John Mayer can’t have known what sort of nightmare he’d stumble into when he called Jessica Simpson ‘sexual napalm’.
But now he knows. Now John Mayer’s going to get his arse handed to him. Worse still, he’s going to get his arse handed to him by Jessica Simpson’s new boyfriend Billy Corgan. And when you’re having your arse handed to you by a wan, squat, snaggle-toothed Count Orlok lookalike whose skin is so pale that it may as well be completely translucent, you know that you’re in trouble.
We’ve just seen the opening salvo of this simmering John Mayer vs Billy Corgan war take place, with Corgan warning Mayer that he’s destroying his own career. Hey Billy, that’s not actually a bad thing! Keep your voice down, you bald idiot!
Whatever you think of Jessica Simpson, you have to admit that she’s got her fair share of her admirers. Nick Lachey liked her enough to marry her, her own dad liked her enough to yammer on about her boobs in public like some sort of freakishly uninhibited lunatic. And then there’s John Mayer, the man who managed to interrupt a Playboy interview about the suspect racial views of his penis to describe Jessica Simpson as ‘sexual napalm’, and that he’d spend all his money on having sex with her if possible.
And now Jessica Simpson has a new man. No, that’s unfair. He’s not a man, he’s Billy Corgan, so technically Jessica Simpson has a new fang-toothed slaphead glum indie bellend with a voice like a witch in a windtunnel. And as unlikely as their love may be, Billy Corgan and Jessica Simpson are together, and Billy will defend his new love to the hilt. So long as he can do it in a cripplingly passive-aggressive way via a magazine like Rolling Stone. Which he has – look:
?He's trying to destroy his career. Rather than take a year off or change his musical direction, some part of it is irritating his soul to the point where he's trying to blow it up. Certainly a talented guy, but empathetically, standing on the sidelines, it's hard to watch someone literally burn their career to the ground speaking as somebody who's done it.?
And now that Billy Corgan has got that out of his system, everything can get back to normal. Suitably chastened, John Mayer can return to his first love of singing rubbishy songs in a girl’s voice. Jessica Simpson can shed her sexual napalm reputation and go back to being musical napalm. And, now that he’s sorted everything out, Billy Corgan can return to Jessica Simpson’s arms and have lots of really graphic, slow motion sex with lots of close-ups of his gurning face twisted into an uncomfortably large number of nightmarish orgasmic faces. So, in a way, everyone wins.
Except you, obviously. You’ve got that mental image to carry around with you all day. Sorry.
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halo says
break out the brain bleach!!! ewwwwwww
that said, billy corigan is a step up from john mayer but that’s not really much of a step
i’d rather be asexual than have to work with either of this options.
Shooty* says
If Kurt was still alive, would he be dating Cheryl Cole now, do you think? Is this the level to which grunge has fallen?
Although, I am aware that some people do not regard the Pumpkins as proper “grunge”, seeing them more of a Monkees to Nirvana’s Beatles. for myself, they’re probably my favourite band, and grunge is a hard term to pin down. Soundgarden and alice in chains, for example, to supposed primogenitors of the grunge sound were really rather more metal, at least in the image of the foremen.
Anyway… seriously point. Would Layne Staley be dating Mischa Barton?
And what IS Barton famous for? Can someone explain?
JoeMomma says
I can’t wait for the Billy Corrigan/Jessica Simpson duet album. That will be a spectacular train wreck.