After watching her stumble from one failed relationship to another, we’ve often wondered who Jessica Simpson’s ideal man is.
And now we know. It’s Count Orlock. However, since Count Orlock is a fictional character from a film that was made 87 years ago, it looks like Jessica Simpson will have to do with the nearest human equivalent – Billy Corgan. That’s right. We don’t know how to break this to you, but Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan are reportedly dating.
And now that you know this, the rest of your day will intermittently be punctuated by graphic visions of Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan having horrible mismatched sex. Merry Christmas!
But of course Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan are dating. They compliment one another so well. One of them has a beautiful feminine singing voice, and the other one is Jessica Simpson. One of them has the strong masculine jawline of a matinee idol, and the other one is Billy Corgan. One of them is bright orange and one of them is sickly white, so when they hit the town together they look like a delicious mandarin cheesecake. And both of them used to be quite famous. They’re perfect for each other.
So let’s cut right to the chase. Here’s how People described this burgeoning Jessica Simpson/ Billy Corgan romance:
Musical worlds are colliding, if reports that Jessica Simpson is dating the Smashing Pumpkins’ Billy Corgan are to be believed. “She has fallen hard and is smitten,” a source tells E! News, which reports that the 29-year-old romantically unlucky singer and Corgan, 42, are “officially dating.” When reached by PEOPLE, a rep for Simpson would only say she doesn't comment on her client’s personal life.
Of course Jessica Simpson’s rep doesn’t comment on her personal life. If she did that, then Jessica wouldn’t have anything to put in all of those interminable reality TV shows she makes.
Now we’re sure that the cynics among you might have picked up on the fact that, ever since she found love with an alternative rocker, Ashlee Simpson has leapfrogged Jessica to become the most popular Simpson child by a mile. And you might be thinking that Jessica Simpson is only dating Billy Corgan to copy her sister and win back the love of the public. But that couldn’t be further from the truth, for two reasons:
1) Jessica Simpson plans to marry Billy Corgan and get pregnant by him and give the child a slightly terrible name. Whereas Ashlee Simpson married Pete Wentz, got pregnant by him and gave the child a completely terrible name, which is completely different, and
2) Billy Corgan has a face like a shaved rat.
But anyway, good luck to Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan. May you both stay together long enough to make a reality TV show about your relationship. We sincerely mean that.