Jessica Simpson is good at sex. Better than good. She’s amazing at sex. She is, according to John Mayer, sexual napalm.
What’s sexual napalm? The truth is, we just don’t know. We imagine it means that Jessica Simpson’s vagina can cause severe burns, and that anybody within 100 feet of Jessica Simpson when she has sex runs the risk of dying from heat stroke, dehydration, suffocation or smoke inhalation. The trail of Jessica Simpson’s sexual partners, all of whom are now withered Bombenbrandschrumpfleichen-stricken carcasses, are a testament to this.
But anyway, Jessica Simpson is good at sex. And, as she’s told Oprah Winfrey, she wishes that people would shut up about it.
These should be the happiest days of Jessica Simpson’s life. People finally know what she’s for. She may have struggled to maintain a music career, and her career as a reality TV star are long behind her, and she’s yet to make a film that isn’t so unbelievably hopeless that it’s all we can do not to fling ourselves into the path of an oncoming train as soon we so much as think about it, and she can’t even design any clothes without getting sued, but that’s OK. Now we know that Jessica Simpson’s only role in life is to be objectified as a thoughtless sex object. She should be thrilled about this.
But is she? Is she bollocks. Ever since John Mayer spent a worryingly large part of his infamous ‘racist penis’ Playboy interview describing exactly what she’s like in the sack, Jessica Simpson’s life has been turned upside down. Now nobody wants to talk about the entire TV series she’s managed to make about that day where she looked a bit fat. They only want to talk about how she can probably dislocate her pelvis and tie a knot in a metal spoon with her tongue at the same time, or whatever it is she does.
And Jessica Simpson has had enough. That’s why she’s appeared on Oprah to tell everyone how sad she was when John Mayer made his remarks. MTV reports:
When Jessica Simpson sat down with Oprah Winfrey for an episode airing Wednesday, she addressed the controversial and personal comments former flame John Mayer said about her in Playboy magazine. “I don’t want people to know how I am in bed!” Simpson told Winfrey.
Now we’re not exactly PR experts, but if Jessica Simpson is really as sick of her reputation as she says she is, she’s doing a terrible job of making it all go away. Taking the problem to a widely-watched TV show like Oprah is just going to draw even more attention to it.
Take our advice – if Jessica Simpson really wants people to stop thinking of her as sexual napalm, then she’s going to have to start having all kinds of really disappointing sex with strangers. Statistically some of her partners will try to sell their story afterwards, and it’ll only take a few ‘She accidentally elbowed me in the face’ or ‘She fell asleep halfway through’ or ‘Ouch! My perineum!’ headlines before everyone’s forgotten about the whole napalm thing. Our cheque’s in the post, Jessica.
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Dallas says
“smoke exposition”…? WTF is that?
The “perineum” joke was good, though.
Jenny says
I give Jessica credit. She’s upfront about everything that’s happened in the past. I’m really looking forward to her new show, and hopefully it’ll really get the message across about what real beauty is. She’s actually coming to NYC next week, 3/10 for a live performance and to give fans a chance to ask her questions. I think it’d be a great opportunity for anyone interested who’s in the area:
http://tinyurl.com/jessicasimpsoncontest
gohard77 says
I would love to try her.
She the like the love of my life.
And im a sex addict too..