Jessica Simpson doesn’t know when to shut up. Last week a man called her ‘sexual napalm’ in a magazine.
That’s enough. If we were Jessica Simpson we’d disappear for a few months after being called something like that, just to let the reputation sink in a bit. Actually, no, we’d probably go the full JD Salinger, just to ensure that when we died our gravestone would read ‘Jessica Simpson. Sexual Napalm.’ We’d love to be known as ‘sexual napalm’. It’d certainly be a step up from ‘sexual dishwater’, which is where we probably stand at the moment.
But anyway, Jessica Simpson hasn’t disappeared. She’s done an interview about America’s obsession with weight instead. So rather than being ‘Jessica Simpson: Sexual Napalm’ she’s back to being ‘Jessica Simpson: The Woman Who Got Slightly Fat For A Few Days Once And Then Wouldn’t Stop Rabbiting On About It’ again. Suits us.
Jessica Simpson is a real woman. She’s got everything that real women have, like curves and a reality TV show and a string of famous boyfriends and a dad who won’t shut up about how brilliant her boobs are. If you don’t have all of those things, by the way, then you’re not a real woman. They’re the rules. Sorry.
But, like any other normal woman, Jessica Simpson occasionally has fat days. The difference is, though, when Jessica Simpson has a fat day then a) it gets picked up by the media and b) Jessica Simpson will still be carping on about it like it was the most important thing that’s ever happened to a human being in the complete history of time a full year after it happened.
You may remember, although you probably don’t, that last January Jessica Simpson performed a concert in a pair of unflattering trousers. A few magazines, perhaps insensitively, said she looked quite fat in them. And that was it. Except Jessica Simpson wasn’t done – she addressed the issue in public and then signed up to make a TV show about how people of all shapes and sizes should be proud of how they look. And then she got really skinny to make sure that people stopped saying nasty things about her. And that was it.
Except Jessica Simpson still isn’t done – she’s in this month’s Allure magazine, expressing disappointment at America’s obsession with her weight. Weight. America’s obsession with weight. Nothing to do with her weight at all. No siree. Nope. She’s fine with how she looks. Nothing to see here. People reports:
?I would not wish on my worst enemy what I went through,? of the abuse she faced from the media in the aftermath of that photo. ?When I think of America, it's very diverse, but we do have the cookie-cutter way we're supposed to look. The 29 year-old… calls America's obsession with weight ?disgusting.? The Texan says, ?My job is to be creative. And I'm not weighing in for anybody.?
Wise words indeed. Let’s hope that Jessica Simpson can cure America’s obsession with weight as soon as possible, so she can go on to cure some of America’s other important, genuinely non-specific problems – like its disgusting obsession with making fun of self-obsessed orange-skinned dullards, or its disgusting obsession with not buying Jessica Simpson albums even though she worked really hard on them and stuff. Good luck Jessica! We’re right behind you!
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