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Jamie Lynn Spears

Jamie Lynn Spears Loves Being Her Illegitimate Baby’s Teen Ma

by Stuart Heritage

Jamie Lynn Spears was raised in a totally different environment to the rest of us, so she obviously has her own idea of what’s fun.

So what does Jamie Lynn Spears think is fun? Sport? Watching TV, maybe? No – according to Jamie Lynn Spears, being a constant slave to a screaming little fleshbag that’s stolen the rest of your life and won’t respond to reason or logic is fun.

We’re referring, of course, to Jamie Lynn Spears’ new baby. Jamie Lynn has been frothing and fizzing about how brilliant it is to be a teenage mother to OK! as part of a $1 million deal with the magazine that’s thought to include rights to interviews, baby photos and the inevitable ‘I hate my baby and wish it was never born’ postnatal depression exclusive, pencilled in for Christmas.

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Jamie Lynn Spears Gets A ‘Stalky’ Paparazzo Arrested

by Stuart Heritage

Poor old Jamie Lynn Spears – ever since Miley Cyrus decided to show some of her back off to the world, people just aren’t as interested in pregnant teenagers.

That might just be for the best though, because as soon as anyone does show the slightest bit on interest in Jamie Lynn Spears, she flips out and gets them arrested for stalking her, which is what happened to photographer Edwin Merrino a couple of days ago.

Merrino denies the charges, but then again who can blame Jamie Lynn Spears for protecting her unborn child so fiercely? If she starts letting strangers get to close to it, then the baby might hear their voice and start to prenatally learn words and concepts that Jamie Lynn Spears herself doesn’t understand. Have you ever become the slave of a malevolent super-intelligent unborn baby dictator? It isn’t very bloody nice, trust us.

Poor old Jamie Lynn Spears - ever since Miley Cyrus decided to show some of her back off to the world, people just aren't as interested in pregnant teenagers. That might just be for the best though, because as soon as anyone does show the slightest bit on interest in Jamie Lynn Spears, she flips out and gets them arrested for stalking her, which is what happened to photographer Edwin Merrino a couple of days ago. Merrino denies the charges, but then again who can blame Jamie Lynn Spears for protecting her unborn child so fiercely? If she starts letting strangers get to close to it, then the baby might hear their voice and start to prenatally learn words and concepts that Jamie Lynn Spears herself doesn't understand. Have you ever become the slave of a malevolent super-intelligent unborn baby dictator? It isn't very bloody nice, trust us.
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Jamie Lynn Spears: It’s A Girl, Apparently

by Stuart Heritage

If you thought all you needed to know about Jamie Lynn Spears’ baby was that it’d be genetically cursed for a lifetime of misery, think again.

That’s because the gender of Jamie Lynn Spears’ unborn baby has apparently sneaked out. According to reports, Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother Lynne Spears was overheard telling people that Jamie Lynn’s having a little girl.

A girl! How wonderful for Jamie Lynn Spears. Now, with the gender determined, Jamie Lynn Spears and her boyfriend can start planning for the baby in full, by buying it a range of Little Slutz knickerless play outfits and a Baby’s First Pressure Your Dolly Into Fame So You Can Vicariously Dine On Its Flesh toyset. Well, Jamie Lynn Spears will want to train her daughter up nice and early.

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Jamie Lynn Spears To Marry Guy Whose DNA Thrives Within Her?

by Shawn Lindseth

Jamie Lynn Spears has a problem. She’s only 16 or something, and yet in her body lies a fatherless abomination festering in feminine hormones and lady grease.

When Spears jr decided she wanted to be pregnant really, really bad, perhaps it was because she thought stretch marks would make her Zoey character all the more real. And it does. We see now that she’s one of us, and that she may have been so all along.

Now that she’s the first line on a hitlist recently distributed to an elite Vatican strike force though, she better think of a way to unpregnant herself really fast. Either she should gently take the baby out and stuff it into a nice married lady, or she should get married herself. At 16. Which is the plan.

Apparently.

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Jamie Lynn Spears No Longer A Pregnant Schoolgirl

by Stuart Heritage

Bad luck perverts – just when you were getting around to thinking that there was something arousing about Jamie Lynn Spears being a pregnant schoolgirl, she goes and lets you down.

No, Jamie Lynn Spears hasn’t given birth, instead she’s passed her high school equivalency GED exam. So, freed up from the stigma attached to being a pregnant schoolgirl, Jamie Lynn Spears can now stretch out her horizons and become the plain old pregnant non-schoolgirl teenage strumpet with a bleak regret-filled future that she’s always longed to be.

Congratulations Jamie Lynn. Live the dream.

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Jamie Lynn Spears: A Bit Of A Slag Apparently

by Matthew Laidlow

When the world found out that Jamie Lynn Spears was up the duff, hell didn’t quite freeze over. It just appeared to be another wacky story in the long running and never ending tale of the Spears family clan.

More than anything it was a relief for Britney who could enjoy her own antics without being hassled by photographers. Hecklerspray was only vaguely aware that there was more than one Spears child, anyway, so we weren’t too bothered to find out that another Spears baby was going to be born. Jamie Lynn’s sweet and innocent portrayal in Zoey 101 kind of fell flat on its arse after that. And now she’s been described a bit of a slag. Words every future mother wants to hear.

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Jamie Lynn Spears To Instantly Ditch Her Baby

by Stuart Heritage

As the popular movie Juno has taught us, nothing aids the pregnant schoolgirl like a full-on rendition of a Moldy Peaches song with the kid from Arrested Development.

However, if you’re Jamie Lynn Spears then you don’t need any of that twee indie schmindie nonsense – you just pump the baby out, hand it to your mother and get on with your life.

That’s right, it’s been reported that Jamie Lynn Spears has decided to let her mother Lynne take care of raising the unborn baby that’s currently inside her. Because, you know, she did such a great job with Britney and Jamie Lynn, right?

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Now The Whole World Watches Zoey 101

by Stuart Heritage

Looks like the easiest way for TV executives to boost ratings on their TV shows is to find the youngest girl they can and make her pregnant.

That seems to be what has happened with Jamie Lynn Spears’ Nickelodeon show Zoey 101. The recently-broadcast season finale of Zoey 101 – the first episode since 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears announced her pregnancy – recorded viewing figures twice as high as usual.

A fantastic success all round, but special mention should be given to the lucrative Dirty Old Middle-Aged Men demographic, which we imagine has gone sky high since Jamie Lynn Spears revealed that she was sexually active.

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Jamie Lynn Spears Gets Booted Off Zoey 101

by Stuart Heritage

Before she decided to make the leap into becoming a professional pregnant schoolgirl, Jamie Lynn Spears was best known for her Nickelodeon TV show Zoey 101.

OK, that’s not exactly right – Jamie Lynn Spears was best known for being Britney Spears’ sister, then for being in a film where she played Britney Spears’ sister, then for being Britney Spears’ sister in a TV show about Britney Spears, then for being Kevin Federline’s sister-in-law and then for her Nickelodeon TV show Zoey 101. Not that any of that means much any more, because it’s been reported that Nickelodeon has dropped Zoey 101 thanks to Jamie Lynn’s pregnancy. Heaven knows why, because we always thought that children’s TV badly needed a teen sitcom about a schoolgirl with postnatal depression so severe that she routinely fantasises about dropping it out of a window. Or something.

Before she decided to make the leap into becoming a professional pregnant schoolgirl, Jamie Lynn Spears was best known for her Nickelodeon TV show Zoey 101. OK, that's not exactly right - Jamie Lynn Spears was best known for being Britney Spears' sister, then for being in a film where she played Britney Spears' sister, then for being Britney Spears' sister in a TV show about Britney Spears, then for being Kevin Federline's sister-in-law and then for her Nickelodeon TV show Zoey 101. Not that any of that means much any more, because it's been reported that Nickelodeon has dropped Zoey 101 thanks to Jamie Lynn's pregnancy. Heaven knows why, because we always thought that children's TV badly needed a teen sitcom about a schoolgirl with postnatal depression so severe that she routinely fantasises about dropping it out of a window. Or something.
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Jamie Lynn Spears’ Babydaddy Did The Dirty On Her?

by Stuart Heritage

If Jamie Lynn Spears’ life was an episode of Maury – which it isn’t, yet – it’d probably be called I’m A Pregnant Teenager And My Boyfriend Cheated On Me Even Though I Don’t Know If He’s The Father Or Not Yet.

Because, keen to make sure she lives up to the staggering level of personal ineptitude that her big sister is so fond of, Jamie Lynn Spears is determined to make her pregnancy one of the worst stage-managed in all of history. We’ve already had the outrage about Jamie Lynn Spears getting pregnant at 16, then the outrage about statutory rape, and now it’s time for some fresh outrage, this time about the way that Jamie Lynn Spears’ boyfriend Casey Aldridge is a ‘lying cheating dog’ who can’t stop getting other girls pregnant. Not enough for you? OK, well what about Jamie Lynn Spears not knowing if Casey Aldridge is actually the father of her baby anyway? Better? Thought so.

If Jamie Lynn Spears' life was an episode of Maury - which it isn't, yet - it'd probably be called I'm A Pregnant Teenager And My Boyfriend Cheated On Me Even Though I Don't Know If He's The Father Or Not Yet. Because, keen to make sure she lives up to the staggering level of personal ineptitude that her big sister is so fond of, Jamie Lynn Spears is determined to make her pregnancy one of the worst stage-managed in all of history. We've already had the outrage about Jamie Lynn Spears getting pregnant at 16, then the outrage about statutory rape, and now it's time for some fresh outrage, this time about the way that Jamie Lynn Spears' boyfriend Casey Aldridge is a 'lying cheating dog' who can't stop getting other girls pregnant. Not enough for you? OK, well what about Jamie Lynn Spears not knowing if Casey Aldridge is actually the father of her baby anyway? Better? Thought so.
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