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Guy Ritchie

Guy Ritchie Compares Madonna To Gristle, The Cockney Charmer

by Stuart Heritage

It’s good to see, even though it’s happening in public and millions are at stake, that the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce isn’t getting nasty.

For example, Madonna has recently vowed to remain in the UK despite the divorce, claiming that “there are lots of things about England that I love, but my husband isn’t one of them,” while Guy Ritchie has compared having sex with Madonna to “cuddling up to a piece of gristle.”

No, listen, that isn’t divorce nastiness, that’s basic fact. They’re both right – Guy Ritchie really is a deeply unloveable human being and having sex with Madonna really is like cuddling gristle. Having said that, Guy Ritchie does lose some points for accuracy. If only he’d been completely honest and said “a really old piece of gristle with bizarre religious beliefs and a leotard that shows its fanny off inappropriately all the time.”

It's good to see, even though it's happening in public and millions are at stake, that the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce isn't getting nasty. For example, Madonna has recently vowed to remain in the UK despite the divorce, claiming that "there are lots of things about England that I love, but my husband isn't one of them," while Guy Ritchie has compared having sex with Madonna to "cuddling up to a piece of gristle." No, listen, that isn't divorce nastiness, that's basic fact. They're both right - Guy Ritchie really is a deeply unloveable human being and having sex with Madonna really is like cuddling gristle. Having said that, Guy Ritchie does lose some points for accuracy. If only he'd been completely honest and said "a really old piece of gristle with bizarre religious beliefs and a leotard that shows its fanny off inappropriately all the time."
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Madonna Divorce: Giant Lawyer-Monsters Hired

by Stuart Heritage

So, to recap – Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting divorced, and they’ll be divorced by Christmas and everyone will be happy forever.

All true. Apart from the bits about the divorce being over by Christmas and people experiencing any sensation other than bitterly violent hatred. Because, for all the talk of a brief and amicable divorce settlement process, both Madonna and Guy Ritchie have hired some kickass divorce lawyers.

Madonna has hired Fiona Shackleton, the divorce lawyer who stopped Heather Mills from getting the huge settlement she wanted when she divorced Paul McCartney; with Guy Ritchie plumping for Lady Helen Ward, the woman responsible for securing Britain’s largest-ever divorce payout for one of her clients. What does this mean? It means that the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce is going to go on for so long that we’ll all feel like killing ourselves soon. But you probably knew that already.

So, to recap - Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting divorced, and they'll be divorced by Christmas and everyone will be happy forever. All true. Apart from the bits about the divorce being over by Christmas and people experiencing any sensation other than bitterly violent hatred. Because, for all the talk of a brief and amicable divorce settlement process, both Madonna and Guy Ritchie have hired some kickass divorce lawyers. Madonna has hired Fiona Shackleton, the divorce lawyer who stopped Heather Mills from getting the huge settlement she wanted when she divorced Paul McCartney; with Guy Ritchie plumping for Lady Helen Ward, the woman responsible for securing Britain's largest-ever divorce payout for one of her clients. What does this mean? It means that the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce is going to go on for so long that we'll all feel like killing ourselves soon. But you probably knew that already.
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Madonna/Guy Ritchie Divorce: And There’s Your Confirmation

by Stuart Heritage

Well that wasn’t long – just hours after Madonna and Guy Ritchie were thought to be divorcing, Madonna and Guy Ritchie are divorcing.

Madonna’s spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg has just issued the statement we’ve all been waiting for – the one that says Madonna and Guy Ritchie were living a hate-filled lie and that their Christmas present to one another this year will be that they both get to legally have sex with other people because, yes, they’re getting divorced.

Notice, though, that the divorce statement came from Madonna’s spokeswoman as opposed to a joint statement from Guy Ritchie and Madonna together. Wow. We’re starting to get the feeling that those two might not actually get along.

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Madonna & Guy Ritchie: Divorced By Christmas

by Stuart Heritage

Everyone loves photos of Madonna and Guy Ritchie clutching each other’s hands in a grimly unconvincing demonstration of love, don’t they.

So make the most of them while you can, because you might not see any more of them. According to reports, Madonna and Guy Ritchie now hate each other so much that they only communicate through staff, and they’re both keen on getting a divorce finalised by Christmas.

This really is a win-win – if they’re not getting divorced, we get to look at more photos of Guy Ritchie and Madonna in public trying to pretend that they like one another. And if they are getting divorced? Well, that means the rest of us have a shot at the gnarly-clawed single mother and the potato-faced idiot that have just come onto the market. Everyone’s happy.

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A-Rod D-nates C-ash T-o M-dona C-rity. Madonna, That is. Not Maradona.

by Ian Dransfield

What’s the last thing you want to do when you’re publicly denying any kind of relationship with another high-profile person, while at the same time dealing with a particularly expensive divorce? If you said ‘the last thing you would want to do when you’re publicly denying any kind of relationship with another high-profile person, while [...]

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Madonna and Guy Ritchie Sink to New Low. Allegedly…

by Ian Dransfield

Madonna and Guy Ritchie may well have a stake in one of the most downright evil and low practices we have ever encountered. Yes, a pub that the couple have an investment in is being investigated for alleged price irregularities with their beer. The Punchbowl, in which the troubled couple have around a 20 pe [...]

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A-Rod’s E-Vorce From C-Rod Progressing in a Dull Fashion

by Ian Dransfield

Divorce is never a fun thing – a lot of us have experienced it either first hand or through parents. So it’s a good thing that celebrity divorces are full of such fun and delights to keep us all entertained, helping us forget that the whole experience can be physically and mentally exhausting, as well [...]

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Madonna Still Not Admitting Defeat About Her Hopeless Marriage

by Stuart Heritage

Ask anyone – anyone – to tell you a fact about Madonna and they’ll either mention her grotty fanny or her divorce.

OK, maybe not anyone. Ask Madonna and, while it’s entirely possibly that she’ll wheel out a hilarious anecdote about her own vagina, there’s no way on Earth that she’ll bring up her divorce.

That’s because, despite relentless gossip to the contrary, Madonna is still maintaining that she’s not going to divorce Guy Ritchie. And that’s fact. Madonna’s brother, who hasn’t really seen Madonna that much in almost a decade, said so. And facts don’t get any more factier than that.

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Robert Downey Jr To Star In Poo-Sounding Guy Ritchie Movie

by Stuart Heritage

So you’re Robert Downey Jr, perhaps the biggest movie star around right now. The world’s your oyster – so what’s your next move?

After the gigantic box office haul of Iron Man – one that’s likely to be repeated once Tropic Thunder is released later this summer – Robert Downey Jr can star in any movie he wants. But what movie has Robert Downey Jr decided to star in? A Sherlock Holmes movie, that’s what.

No, not the Sacha Baron Cohen/Will Ferrell Sherlock Holmes movie that was triumphantly announced earlier this week. Another Sherlock Holmes movie. A Sherlock Holmes movie where Sherlock Holmes is a musclebound action hero. A Sherlock Holmes movie where Sherlock Holmes is a musclebound action hero directed by Guy Ritchie. And there was us thinking that Robert Downey Jr had stopped taking drugs.

So you're Robert Downey Jr, perhaps the biggest movie star around right now. The world's your oyster - so what's your next move? After the gigantic box office haul of Iron Man - one that's likely to be repeated once Tropic Thunder is released later this summer - Robert Downey Jr can star in any movie he wants. But what movie has Robert Downey Jr decided to star in? A Sherlock Holmes movie, that's what. No, not the Sacha Baron Cohen/Will Ferrell Sherlock Holmes movie that was triumphantly announced earlier this week. Another Sherlock Holmes movie. A Sherlock Holmes movie where Sherlock Holmes is a musclebound action hero. A Sherlock Holmes movie where Sherlock Holmes is a musclebound action hero directed by Guy Ritchie. And there was us thinking that Robert Downey Jr had stopped taking drugs.
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Madonna Becomes Sci-Fi Villain, Employs Mind Control

by Ian Dransfield

It's always the bloody same with women – they look at you, talk to you and move in certain ways, and before you know it you're under their spell. In a figurative way, of course. And actually, come to think of it, we can't remember the last time a girl even looked at us, never [...]

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