Ask anyone – anyone – to tell you a fact about Madonna and either they’ll mention her grotty sex life or her much-rumoured divorce.
OK, maybe not anyone. Ask Madonna and, while it’s entirely possible she’ll wheel out a hilarious bedroom anecdote, there’s no way on Earth that she’ll bring up her divorce.
That’s because, despite relentless gossip to the contrary, Madonna is still maintaining that she’s not going to divorce Guy Ritchie. And that’s fact. Madonna’s brother, who hasn’t really seen Madonna that much in almost a decade, said so. And facts don’t get any more factier than that.
Have you heard about Madonna’s divorce? Of course you have – as a human with at least one working sense, you’ll have been pounded over the head with reports about Madonna’s divorce. Even those freaky smell-only people know about it, probably because they can detect Guy Ritchie’s tears from a radius of up to 50 miles.
Anyway, it’s not exactly new news – Madonna and Guy Ritchie, who have reportedly been going through marriage difficulties for years, are getting divorced. Madonna’s hired an impressively expensive divorce lawyer and is so serious about ending things with Guy Ritchie that she’s even made time to erotically hypnotise a baseball player into thinking he’s her soulmate.
It’s over, we all know it’s over and everyone just wants it to be over as soon as possible so that they can think about something more interesting for a change, like bread dough or dust. Right?
Oh you poor misguided plebs, of course it’s not right. Madonna loves Guy Ritchie and she’d never dream of getting a divorce from him. Definitely not. Never. And that’s according to a relative of Madonna who’s been all but estranged from her since she married Guy Ritchie, and everyone knows they’re the most trustworthy sources of marital speculation, especially when they happen to be shopping a book around. Right?
Yes, in this case it is right. Christopher Ciccone, for he is Madonna’s brother, has written a book all about Madonna, and all this talk of divorce has briefly elevated him from ‘writer of a trashy tell-all book that’ll be quickly ignored’ to ‘writer of a trashy tell-all book that’ll be quickly ignored even though he’s on telly all the time banging on about Madonna’.
And that explains all of Christopher Ciccone’s recent Madonna-defending appearances on US television. Reuters reports:
“I believe she’ll do what’s best for her family and her kids and I believe she’ll do her best to maintain the marriage,” Ciccone told ABC’s “Good Morning America” on Monday. “She’s not the kind of person to walk away.”
You know what? Actually we think we have to agree with Christopher here – Madonna definitely isn’t the kind of person to walk away from anything. Except her marriage to Sean Penn. And her career as an erotic thriller actress. And her occasional dabbles in lesbianism. And any of the personal, musical or visual styles she’s toyed with over the last 20 years.
But, aside from all that, Madonna doesn’t walk away from anything. Guy Ritchie has nothing to worry about at all whatsoever, has he?
Crabby Golightly says
He Is Because She Is: The Incredible Conceit of Madge’s Disappointment In Her Brother
AFTER A LIFETIME SPENT HAWKING EVERYTHING YOU OWN FOR PUBLICITY — NUDE PICTURES, SEX SECRETS, AFFAIRS OF THE HEART — YOU CAN BET THAT MADONNA’S BROTHER PICKED UP A FEW TIPS ON HOW TO SELL.
FTER A LIFETIME SPENT HAWKING EVERYTHING YOU OWN FOR PUBLICITY — NUDE PICTURES, SEX SECRETS, AFFAIRS OF THE HEART — YOU CAN BET THAT MADONNA’S BROTHER PICKED UP A FEW TIPS ON HOW TO SELL.
So it seems a bit disingenuous that Madonna’s spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg confesses that her client finds it “very upsetting” that her big brother “has decided to sell a book based on his sister.”
Now as the book gets released today, the headlines’ frame it as Madonna being “betrayed.” Here’s what I call him: smart opportunist. Why shouldn’t he be allowed to play the game he’s witnessed so well?
Crabby Golightly dot com!