Yesterday you might have thought that it was winding up, thanks to Madonna’s firm denial of an ‘affair of the heart’ with Alex Rodriguez, but it’s all been blown wide apart again. Alex Rodriguez, you see, has confessed his love for Madonna and called her his ‘fucking soulmate’.
OK, admittedly Alex Rodriguez did this months ago, but it’s only just come to light. And you know what this means, don’t you? It means that this is never going to end. Ever. Whatever you do for the rest of your natural life, you’ll be getting it in the ear about Madonna and Alex Rodriguez. We can’t help feeling that this is some form of sick cosmic punishment for a crime we don’t remember – but we’re sorry. Just make it stop.
Imagine if Romeo and Juliet was about a wrinkly old lady in a leotard who falls in love – but doesn’t have sex with – a much younger, annoying-looking sports player with a young family to raise. Because if it was, then this ongoing scandal about Madonna and Alex Rodriguez would be just like Romeo and Juliet, except it goes on for about a fortnight longer and there’s no happy ending.
No ending at all, in fact. Now that Madonna’s ‘friendship’ with Alex Rodriguez has been cited as the cause of his divorce, we’re going to keep hearing about it until Alex and Cynthia Rodriguez‘s bitter $50 million divorce has come to an end – and that’s going to take months.
Still, at least we know all the facts – Madonna and Alex Rodriguez are friends and nothing more and so long as that doesn’t change, Cynthia’s ‘affair of the heart’ claims are going to be incredibly hard to prove and it’ll all be over sooner rather than later and we can all get on with our lives, right?
Right! Except that one of Alex Rodriguez’s friends has come forward to point out that A-Rod was declaring his love for Madonna in a fairly comprehensive manner, which pretty much throws a dirty great spanner in the works. According to Monsters And Critics:
“He kept smiling, acting as if he was a little kid. He told me it was Madonna he was texting. I was shocked. He proceeded to say he was in love with her. I thought he was kidding but he wasn’t.” Just a few weeks after the dinner, Alex confirmed how much he had fallen for Madonna, telling the same friend: “She’s my fucking soulmate.”
Ah, the old “She’s my fucking soulmate” line. There’s nothing that makes a girl’s heart beat faster than a drunk-sounding exclamation that combines both profanity and wild overexaggeration (See also “We were meant to be together, cuntface” – the line with which King Arthur ensnared his Guinevere).
Quite how this new soulmate angle of Alex Rodriguez’s will sit with Madonna’s ‘just friends’ line remains to be seen. But hopefully this is as silly as it’s all going to get, because frankly if this story gets any dumber then we’ll worry that they’ll be some sort of explosion and everyone will end up dead.
Which, so long as Guy Ritchie and his stupid Sherlock Holmes film are taken out in the blast, we’d be totally OK with, by the way.