Mel Gibson is a sensitive soul. The war in Israel and Lebanon has left most people in a state of deep resigned sadness, but not Mel Gibson, who instead prefers to get leathered and bomb around in his car slagging off all the Jews.
That's more or less what happened on Friday morning, anyway, when Mel Gibson was arrested for drink driving in Malibu, only to decide that the only thing better than using his right to remain silent was to unleash a string of insults blaming the Jews for every war in the history of the world, then offer to have sex with the male arresting officer while shouting "Sugar Tits!" at a nearby female police officer. Is it just us, or would The Passion Of The Christ have been about 20 times better if it contained a scene where Jesus, after riding his little donkey around Bethlehem all boozed up, bellowed "Woo-hoo! Sugar tits!" at Monica Bellucci? Just us? OK, suit yourselves.
Drink does funny things to people, doesn't it? David Hasselhoff, when he's had a tipple, likes to stagger around airports getting banned from flights with a big wet patch down the front of his jeans. Michelle Rodriguez likes to drive around in her car when she's drunk – and then there's Mel Gibson, who has taken Rodriguez's classic blueprint and added his very own inimitable anti-Semitic twist to proceedings.
Mel Gibson, as we all know, has a bit of a history with individuals of the Jewish faith. The Passion Of The Christ was branded anti-Semitic when it came out; so much so that the original title of The Passion Of The Christ: Those Darn Jews had to be shelved. In the middle of the furore, Mel Gibson went to great lengths to explain that he didn't hate the Jews and that the movie was merely a faithful retelling of a portion of the Bible. And then it was announced that Mel Gibson was planning on making a Holocaust TV show, even though his Dad didn't really think it happened. At the time, Mel Gibson talked his way out of trouble by explaining his viewpoint:
"Yes, of course. Atrocities happened. War is horrible. The Second World War killed tens of millions of people. Some of them Jews in concentration camps."
But it'll be a bit harder to explain what happened on Friday. At 2.30am, Mel Gibson was arrested for drink driving and apparently responded to the arrest by telling the arresting officer:
"My life is fucked. I'm not going to get in your car… You motherfucker. I'm going to fuck you… Fucking Jews… The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. Are you a Jew?"
On top of that, Mel Gibson told the officer that he owned Malibu and that he'd spend all of his money trying to get even with him. Then, once he was taken to a police station, Gibson saw a female officer and shouted:
"What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?"
In the cold hard light of day, however, Mel Gibson has looked back on his antics and decided that maybe he could have gone about things a bit differently. In a statement he admitted that he had been fighting alcoholism for most of his adult life and added:
"I acted like a person completely out of control when I was arrested, and said things that I do not believe to be true and which are despicable. I am deeply ashamed of everything I said. I feel fortunate that I was apprehended before I caused injury to another person."
Now, a cynic might say that Mel Gibson, who works in an industry with lots of Jewish people, might have only apologised so wholeheartedly because he didn't want to alienate any of the – already ridiculously small – target audience for his new Apocalypto
vanity project movie, filmed entirely in the dead language of Yucateco. Or maybe Mel Gibson really has realised that treating any group with a different belief system to your own is profoundly upsetting. Either way, we're almost certain that Michael Jackson will probably want to go and see Apocalypto now.
But that's enough talk, sugar tits – time to get your Mel Gibson Haikus rolling in.
[story by Stuart Heritage]