So, to recap – Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting divorced, and they’ll be divorced by Christmas and everyone will be happy forever.
All true. Apart from the bits about the divorce being over by Christmas and people experiencing any sensation other than bitterly violent hatred. Because, for all the talk of a brief and amicable divorce settlement process, both Madonna and Guy Ritchie have hired some kickass divorce lawyers.
Madonna has hired Fiona Shackleton, the divorce lawyer who stopped Heather Mills from getting the huge settlement she wanted when she divorced Paul McCartney; with Guy Ritchie plumping for Lady Helen Ward, the woman responsible for securing Britain’s largest-ever divorce payout for one of her clients. What does this mean? It means that the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce is going to go on for so long that we’ll all feel like killing ourselves soon. But you probably knew that already.
Oh, it’s so on. Madonna and Guy Ritchie are getting divorced, we all know that. We also know that it’s been brewing for a while, thanks to those rumours about Madonna using sci-fi mind control on baseball players. But that doesn’t mean that the divorce is going to be quick or painless by any means.
For the last couple of days, newspapers have been full of endless speculation about what caused the divorce and who Madonna and Guy Ritchie will date next and – genuinely – how much horses contributed to the divorce, but they might be shooting their wad a little early.
Because, let’s face it, we’re never going to stop hearing about this divorce. Ever. For a start, Madonna and Guy Ritchie have a child together, so with any luck we’ll get to experience a protracted custody battle that destroys the reputation of everyone involved and ultimately ends up with little Rocco writing a book about how much he hates his parents that gets adapted into a film starring Faye Dunaway and a cockney Mr Potato Head.
And then there’s the money. Madonna is one of the richest women on the planet – rich enough to buy a new toilet seat for every time she poos but not rich enough to invest in some age-appropriate leotards for once – and, as much as they’re both making out that her fortune isn’t a big deal, both Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s choice of divorce lawyer would suggest that isn’t quite the case. The Independent reports:
Fiona Shackleton, 52, nicknamed the “Steel Magnolia”, is reported to be advising Madonna. She acted for Sir Paul McCartney and Prince Charles in their divorces, Ritchie is believed to have plumped for Lady Helen Ward, 57… she secured Beverly Charman her record-breaking £48m divorce from John Charman, the Lloyds insurance tycoon, last year.
So on one hand you’ve got a woman famous for getting large divorce payouts, and on the other hand you’ve got a woman famous for stopping large payouts. That sounds like a recipe for a stalemate to us. In fact, we’d even go as far to say that the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce is going to be the equivalent of either the fist-smashing opening title to Rocky 4 or the end of War Games where the computer realises that it can never win and goes into meltdown.
Or, you know, a part from a 1980s movie that goes on forever that nobody really cares about and are already sort of sick of listening to. Yeah, probably that last one.
Shooty* says
IT’S ON!
Told ya.
I predict Lisa Snowden will play a part… possibly something “casting couch” related… and Guy couldn’t put up with Madonna’s horrendous amphetamine abuse, as a result of which she’s not slept in 14 years… but Guy used to stab her with broken wine glasses…
It’s all a bit like that book AA Gill wrote… Starcrossed.