Well that wasn’t long – just hours after Madonna and Guy Ritchie were thought to be divorcing, Madonna and Guy Ritchie are divorcing.
Madonna’s spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg has just issued the statement we’ve all been waiting for – the one that says Madonna and Guy Ritchie were living a hate-filled lie and that their Christmas present to one another this year will be that they both get to legally have sex with other people because, yes, they’re getting divorced.
Notice, though, that the divorce statement came from Madonna’s spokeswoman as opposed to a joint statement from Guy Ritchie and Madonna together. Wow. We’re starting to get the feeling that those two might not actually get along.
It’s a sad day, that’s for sure. We were hoping that all the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce stories from this morning were just rumours, and that this evening Madonna and Guy Ritchie would continue their traditional pursuit of going to the pub in stony silence facing away from each other and visibly bristling whenever they even so much as thought about one another.
But it’s not to be. Because now Madonna’s spokeswoman Liz Rosenberg has finally put an official seal on the disastrously-managed divorce secret once and for all. The New York Daily News reports:
“Madonna and Guy Ritchie have agreed to divorce after 7 l/2 years of marrige,” Liz Rosenberg said in a statement. “They have both requested that the media maintain respect for their family at this difficult time. A final settlement has not been agreed upon yet.”
Of course a final settlement has not been agreed upon yet. Madonna is one of the richest women in the world, so there’s every chance that the settlement proceedings could go on for weeks. Or months, if Madonna tries to get her hands on any of the unsold Revolver DVDs that Guy Ritchie keeps in the cellar.
Anyway, now that the divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie has been made official, it’s time for the postmortem. It’ll all come out in the wash, we’re sure, but we expect that these are among the frontrunners for the the ultimate cause of divorce:
* Madonna being implicated in the Alex Rodriguez divorce.
* Madonna’s disenchantment that Guy Ritchie hasn’t fulfilled his hotshot movie director potential.
* Differing opinions on Madonna’s adopted son David Banda.
* That one time when Madonna put her hand upon Guy Ritchie in his sleep and Guy Ritchie got scared because he thought it was the hand of a corpse.
* Guy Ritchie realising that the “sex with you is incredible” line from Madonna’s newest album was sung in a mildly sarcastic tone.
* A mutual understanding that one of them looks like an angry potato and the other one looks like a test-tube of surgically-removed vagina cartilage.
Still, we’re sure we’ll find out all the dirty secrets of the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce as the news unfolds. And unfolds. And keeps unfolding. And doesn’t stop unfolding for about six weeks after everyone’s got sick of hearing about it. Just a hunch.
Shooty* says
You’ll be lucky. YEARS. It’s going to take YEARS. I hear Guy has got Heather Mills in his corner.
That’s a lie actually: i’ve heard no such thing. But let’s not let it get in the way of a good rumour.