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Guy Ritchie

Guy Ritchie’s New Girlfriend = Hugh Grant’s Old Girlfriend?

by Stuart Heritage

All those years of marriage to Madonna have done something strange to Guy Ritchie – they’ve opened him up to the possibility of love.

Or, to be more specific, they’ve opened him up to the possibility of love with immensely rich women whose plummy British accents are so ludicrous that they sound like aristocratic cats yakking up hairballs when they try to speak.

To demonstrate this, Guy Ritchie has apparently been seen ‘canoodling’ with Jemima Khan – a woman who’s basically just a singing career, an adopted African child and a wardrobe full of gruesome leotards away from actually being Madonna. Possibly.

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Madonna Divorce Settlement: Considerably Stingier Than Assumed

by Stuart Heritage

Remember when everyone thought that Madonna had given Guy Ritchie close to $100 million in their divorce settlement because she’s so lovely?

Yeah, she’s not lovely. Madonna is an awful person. And, as a reminder, Madonna has rushed out a statement suggesting that she wouldn’t dream of giving acloth-eared bellend like Guy Ritchie that much money.

However, both Madonna and Guy Ritchie have said they’re happy with the divorce settlement – Madonna because she can keep her money and Guy Ritchie because he doesn’t have a wife who looks like a pensioner’s scrotum wrapped around a set of antique dentures any more.

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Madonna Gives Guy Ritchie A Dirty Great Pile Of Divorce Cash

by Stuart Heritage

When Guy Ritchie divorced Madonna recently, it definitely wasn’t about the money – definitely, definitely not.

It was about the children. And it was about having the freedom to do whatever he wanted. And it was about going to bed each night with a woman who didn’t feel like a half-chewed steak. But Guy Ritchie definitely didn’t divorce Madonna for the money.

Except now Guy Ritchie’s divorce settlement from Madonna has come through at close to $100 million, including a dirty great mansion and pub. It’s so much money that Guy Ritchie never has to work again. Guy, read that last sentence again. Read it!

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Madonna Can’t Brainwash A-Rod Into Spending Holiday With Her

by Stuart Heritage

Madonna doesn’t do Thanksgiving, possibly because someone once confused her with a turkey and tried slicing her bum open.

And because of this, Madonna won’t be spending this Thanksgiving with rumoured new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez. Well, in truth it’s because Alex Rodriguez would rather spend Thanksgiving with his children in Florida than with the human equivalent of frozen giblets, but the bum-slicing thing just seemed funnier.

But anyway, contrary to several reports, Madonna and Alex Rodriguez won’t be spending Thanksgiving together. Which just goes to show, most men would prefer to spend a holiday with an ex-wife who’s bitter because she was dumped for Madonna and some children whose births were almost missed because their father wanted to go and meet Madonna than actually spend it with Madonna herself. That’s got to sting a bit.

Madonna doesn't do Thanksgiving, possibly because someone once confused her with a turkey and tried slicing her bum open. And because of this, Madonna won't be spending this Thanksgiving with rumoured new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez. Well, in truth it's because Alex Rodriguez would rather spend Thanksgiving with his children in Florida than with the human equivalent of frozen giblets, but the bum-slicing thing just seemed funnier. But anyway, contrary to several reports, Madonna and Alex Rodriguez won't be spending Thanksgiving together. Which just goes to show, most men would prefer to spend a holiday with an ex-wife who's bitter because she was dumped for Madonna and some children whose births were almost missed because their father wanted to go and meet Madonna than actually spend it with Madonna herself. That's got to sting a bit.
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STOP PRESS: Madonna Expresses Recognisable Human Emotion

by Stuart Heritage

For a woman who got divorced a few days ago, Madonna has been doing a remarkable job of gritting her teeth and ploughing on.

That’s not particularly surprising – years ago Madonna had her brain removed to make space for more bicep and her tear ducts were cemented up because she didn’t weep holy Kabbalah water – so we’ve come to expect steely, robotic reactions to everything from her. However, Madonna has now finally decided to accept her divorce and mention it in public for the very first time.

Speaking to the Associated Press, Madonna has said how sad she is about the divorce, and how grateful she is that her heavy workload can distract her from it. Wow, sadness and gratitude? We’ve seen Swept Away and Body Of Evidence – that’s literally about six more human emotions than we thought Madonna was capable of.

For a woman who got divorced a few days ago, Madonna has been doing a remarkable job of gritting her teeth and ploughing on. That's not particularly surprising - years ago Madonna had her brain removed to make space for more bicep and her tear ducts were cemented up because she didn't weep holy Kabbalah water - so we've come to expect steely, robotic reactions to everything from her. However, Madonna has now finally decided to accept her divorce and mention it in public for the very first time. Speaking to the Associated Press, Madonna has said how sad she is about the divorce, and how grateful she is that her heavy workload can distract her from it. Wow, sadness and gratitude? We've seen Swept Away and Body Of Evidence - that's literally about six more human emotions than we thought Madonna was capable of.
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Madonna Divorces Guy Ritchie, Only Guy Ritchie Seems To Notice

by Stuart Heritage

Ladies, form an orderly queue – Guy Ritchie is now a single man. And, come to think of it, Madonna is also now a single man too.

Just a few hours ago, Madonna and Guy Ritchie formally finalised their divorce once and for all, putting an end to almost eight years of happy marriage, unhappy marriage, rumoured affairs and possibly the most offensively inaccurate adopted British accent in the history of time itself.

While Madonna apparently reacted to news of her divorce by sticking her middle fingers up at her audience during a concert, Guy Ritchie is said to have merely sighed “Thank God.” But that’s not important now – the important thing is that Madonna won’t be involved in any of Guy Ritchie’s films any more, which should elevate them to ‘merely unwatchable’ from their previous status as ‘flesh-clawing suicide-inducers’.

Ladies, form an orderly queue - Guy Ritchie is now a single man. And, come to think of it, Madonna is also now a single man too. Just a few hours ago, Madonna and Guy Ritchie formally finalised their divorce once and for all, putting an end to almost eight years of happy marriage, unhappy marriage, rumoured affairs and possibly the most offensively inaccurate adopted British accent in the history of time itself. While Madonna apparently reacted to news of her divorce by sticking her middle fingers up at her audience during a concert, Guy Ritchie is said to have merely sighed "Thank God." But that's not important now - the important thing is that Madonna won't be involved in any of Guy Ritchie's films any more, which should elevate them to 'merely unwatchable' from their previous status as 'flesh-clawing suicide-inducers'.
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Madonna/ Ritchie Divorce: The Gristley Nightmare Ends Tomorrow

by Stuart Heritage

It’s always sad when love ends, except for when it’s love between a potato-man and an old lady mostly comprised of cartilage. Then it’s quite funny.

Which is to say that the divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie has been nothing but solid non-stop hilarity from start to finish. So laugh it up while you can, because it looks as though the divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie is going to be finalised at the High Court tomorrow.

The news comes after the revelation that Madonna and Guy Ritchie have quietly worked out a settlement. That’s likely to be kept a secret, but we assume there’ll be a fair split in terms of custody and ownership of property, and Madonna will get to keep the leotards. No! Guy Ritchie will keep the leotards! No! Madonna! No! Guy! No! Oh, we don’t know which outcome would make us feel queasier.

It's always sad when love ends, except for when it's love between a potato-man and an old lady mostly comprised of cartilage. Then it's quite funny. Which is to say that the divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie has been nothing but solid non-stop hilarity from start to finish. So laugh it up while you can, because it looks as though the divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie is going to be finalised at the High Court tomorrow. The news comes after the revelation that Madonna and Guy Ritchie have quietly worked out a settlement. That's likely to be kept a secret, but we assume there'll be a fair split in terms of custody and ownership of property, and Madonna will get to keep the leotards. No! Guy Ritchie will keep the leotards! No! Madonna! No! Guy! No! Oh, we don't know which outcome would make us feel queasier.
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Guy Ritchie Forbids Madonna From Filling His Pool With Water From Heaven

by Shawn Lindseth

Madonna’s plan to ensure all of her children get an express ticket to Jewish-lite heaven was to fill her indoor home swimming pool with Kabbalah water. This would have gone nicely with the bench press she found near the Dome of the Rock, the pull-up bar she bought at a Southern Baptist community auction, and [...]

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Madonna Divorce: Is It Guy Ritchie Actress-Banging Time? Already?

by Stuart Heritage

The divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie must be profoundly upsetting for both of them, causing no end of misery and introspection and…

What’s that? Guy Ritchie might be having it off with an actress he hired to star in his new Sherlock Holmes movie? Well that didn’t take long. According to reports, Guy Ritchie and actress Kelly Reilly have been shacked up in the same hotel since October 18 – just three days after Madonna and Guy announced their divorce.

Not much is known about Kelly Reilly at the moment, but since she’s a) a redhead, b) British, c) an actress and d) young, it’s fair to assume that she’s everything Madonna will never be. In fact, reports claim that Kelly Reilly is almost 20 years younger than Madonna. If that’s the case – great work, Guy Ritchie! Kelly Reilly looks quite good for a 68-year-old!

The divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie must be profoundly upsetting for both of them, causing no end of misery and introspection and... What's that? Guy Ritchie might be having it off with an actress he hired to star in his new Sherlock Holmes movie? Well that didn't take long. According to reports, Guy Ritchie and actress Kelly Reilly have been shacked up in the same hotel since October 18 - just three days after Madonna and Guy announced their divorce. Not much is known about Kelly Reilly at the moment, but since she's a) a redhead, b) British, c) an actress and d) young, it's fair to assume that she's everything Madonna will never be. In fact, reports claim that Kelly Reilly is almost 20 years younger than Madonna. If that's the case - great work, Guy Ritchie! Kelly Reilly looks quite good for a 68-year-old!
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Gwyneth Paltrow Stands Side By Scrawny Side With Madonna

by Stuart Heritage

As normally-functioning human beings, you’ve probably already picked a side in the impending Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce.

And we’re sure it was a hard decision to make – not least because given the choice of siding with an obnoxiously laddy potato-faced oaf like Guy Ritchie or his screechy, uncomfortably religious elderly man of an estranged wife, most normal people would just take the easy route out and throw themselves under a train.

But that’s not a problem that Gwyneth Paltrow has had to face – she’s stepped up to the plate and declared that she’s firmly on Madonna’s side when it comes to the divorce. This, we suspect, is partly because of the great friendship shared by Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow, and partly because she’s scared of Madonna chokeslamming her through a brick wall. She could, you know. Look at those arms.

As normally-functioning human beings, you've probably already picked a side in the impending Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce. And we're sure it was a hard decision to make - not least because given the choice of siding with an obnoxiously laddy potato-faced oaf like Guy Ritchie or his screechy, uncomfortably religious elderly man of an estranged wife, most normal people would just take the easy route out and throw themselves under a train. But that's not a problem that Gwyneth Paltrow has had to face - she's stepped up to the plate and declared that she's firmly on Madonna's side when it comes to the divorce. This, we suspect, is partly because of the great friendship shared by Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow, and partly because she's scared of Madonna chokeslamming her through a brick wall. She could, you know. Look at those arms.
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