Articles tagged with: Guy Ritchie
Madonna Can’t Brainwash A-Rod Into Spending Holiday With Her
Madonna doesn't do Thanksgiving, possibly because someone once confused her with a turkey and tried slicing her bum open. And because of this, Madonna won't be spending this Thanksgiving with rumoured new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez. Well, in truth it's because Alex Rodriguez would rather spend Thanksgiving with his children in Florida than with the human equivalent of frozen giblets, but the bum-slicing thing just seemed funnier. But anyway, contrary to several reports, Madonna and Alex Rodriguez won't be spending Thanksgiving together. Which just goes to show, most men would prefer to spend a holiday with an ex-wife who's bitter because she was dumped for Madonna and some children whose births were almost missed because their father wanted to go and meet Madonna than actually spend it with Madonna herself. That's got to sting a bit.
Madonna doesn't do Thanksgiving, possibly because someone once confused her with a turkey and tried slicing her bum open. And because of this, Madonna won't be spending this Thanksgiving with rumoured new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez. Well, in truth it's because Alex Rodriguez would rather spend Thanksgiving with his children in Florida than with the human equivalent of frozen giblets, but the bum-slicing thing just seemed funnier. But anyway, contrary to several reports, Madonna and Alex Rodriguez won't be spending Thanksgiving together. Which just goes to show, most men would prefer to spend a holiday with an ex-wife who's bitter because she was dumped for Madonna and some children whose births were almost missed because their father wanted to go and meet Madonna than actually spend it with Madonna herself. That's got to sting a bit.
STOP PRESS: Madonna Expresses Recognisable Human Emotion
For a woman who got divorced a few days ago, Madonna has been doing a remarkable job of gritting her teeth and ploughing on. That's not particularly surprising - years ago Madonna had her brain removed to make space for more bicep and her tear ducts were cemented up because she didn't weep holy Kabbalah water - so we've come to expect steely, robotic reactions to everything from her. However, Madonna has now finally decided to accept her divorce and mention it in public for the very first time. Speaking to the Associated Press, Madonna has said how sad she is about the divorce, and how grateful she is that her heavy workload can distract her from it. Wow, sadness and gratitude? We've seen Swept Away and Body Of Evidence - that's literally about six more human emotions than we thought Madonna was capable of.
For a woman who got divorced a few days ago, Madonna has been doing a remarkable job of gritting her teeth and ploughing on. That's not particularly surprising - years ago Madonna had her brain removed to make space for more bicep and her tear ducts were cemented up because she didn't weep holy Kabbalah water - so we've come to expect steely, robotic reactions to everything from her. However, Madonna has now finally decided to accept her divorce and mention it in public for the very first time. Speaking to the Associated Press, Madonna has said how sad she is about the divorce, and how grateful she is that her heavy workload can distract her from it. Wow, sadness and gratitude? We've seen Swept Away and Body Of Evidence - that's literally about six more human emotions than we thought Madonna was capable of.
Madonna Divorces Guy Ritchie, Only Guy Ritchie Seems To Notice
Ladies, form an orderly queue - Guy Ritchie is now a single man. And, come to think of it, Madonna is also now a single man too. Just a few hours ago, Madonna and Guy Ritchie formally finalised their divorce once and for all, putting an end to almost eight years of happy marriage, unhappy marriage, rumoured affairs and possibly the most offensively inaccurate adopted British accent in the history of time itself. While Madonna apparently reacted to news of her divorce by sticking her middle fingers up at her audience during a concert, Guy Ritchie is said to have merely sighed "Thank God." But that's not important now - the important thing is that Madonna won't be involved in any of Guy Ritchie's films any more, which should elevate them to 'merely unwatchable' from their previous status as 'flesh-clawing suicidal thought-inducers'.
Ladies, form an orderly queue - Guy Ritchie is now a single man. And, come to think of it, Madonna is also now a single man too. Just a few hours ago, Madonna and Guy Ritchie formally finalised their divorce once and for all, putting an end to almost eight years of happy marriage, unhappy marriage, rumoured affairs and possibly the most offensively inaccurate adopted British accent in the history of time itself. While Madonna apparently reacted to news of her divorce by sticking her middle fingers up at her audience during a concert, Guy Ritchie is said to have merely sighed "Thank God." But that's not important now - the important thing is that Madonna won't be involved in any of Guy Ritchie's films any more, which should elevate them to 'merely unwatchable' from their previous status as 'flesh-clawing suicidal thought-inducers'.
Madonna/ Ritchie Divorce: The Gristley Nightmare Ends Tomorrow
It's always sad when love ends, except for when it's love between a potato-man and an old lady mostly comprised of cartilage. Then it's quite funny. Which is to say that the divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie has been nothing but solid non-stop hilarity from start to finish. So laugh it up while you can, because it looks as though the divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie is going to be finalised at the High Court tomorrow. The news comes after the revelation that Madonna and Guy Ritchie have quietly worked out a settlement. That's likely to be kept a secret, but we assume there'll be a fair split in terms of custody and ownership of property, and Madonna will get to keep the leotards. No! Guy Ritchie will keep the leotards! No! Madonna! No! Guy! No! Oh, we don't know which outcome would make us feel queasier.
It's always sad when love ends, except for when it's love between a potato-man and an old lady mostly comprised of cartilage. Then it's quite funny. Which is to say that the divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie has been nothing but solid non-stop hilarity from start to finish. So laugh it up while you can, because it looks as though the divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie is going to be finalised at the High Court tomorrow. The news comes after the revelation that Madonna and Guy Ritchie have quietly worked out a settlement. That's likely to be kept a secret, but we assume there'll be a fair split in terms of custody and ownership of property, and Madonna will get to keep the leotards. No! Guy Ritchie will keep the leotards! No! Madonna! No! Guy! No! Oh, we don't know which outcome would make us feel queasier.
Guy Ritchie Forbids Madonna From Filling His Pool With Water From Heaven
Madonna's plan to ensure all of her children get an express ticket to Jewish-lite heaven was to fill her indoor home swimming pool with Kabbalah water. This would have gone nicely with the bench press she found near the Dome of the Rock, the pull-up bar she bought at a Southern Baptist community auction, and the sauna she made from the inside-out skulls of over a dozen Lucifarians. The Kabbalah water in the pool - well that's actually true. She was gonna stand there with millions of imported plastic bottles and dump each individual one into the deep end until it was at least semi-swimmable. Not any more though. Now she's just getting divorced - and Guy Ritchie has decided that whatever pours out of his green garden hose is probably good enough. That's why he just canceled her weird, massive water order.
Madonna's plan to ensure all of her children get an express ticket to Jewish-lite heaven was to fill her indoor home swimming pool with Kabbalah water. This would have gone nicely with the bench press she found near the Dome of the Rock, the pull-up bar she bought at a Southern Baptist community auction, and the sauna she made from the inside-out skulls of over a dozen Lucifarians. The Kabbalah water in the pool - well that's actually true. She was gonna stand there with millions of imported plastic bottles and dump each individual one into the deep end until it was at least semi-swimmable. Not any more though. Now she's just getting divorced - and Guy Ritchie has decided that whatever pours out of his green garden hose is probably good enough. That's why he just canceled her weird, massive water order.
Madonna Divorce: Is It Guy Ritchie Actress-Banging Time? Already?
The divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie must be profoundly upsetting for both of them, causing no end of misery and introspection and... What's that? Guy Ritchie might be having it off with an actress he hired to star in his new Sherlock Holmes movie? Well that didn't take long. According to reports, Guy Ritchie and actress Kelly Reilly have been shacked up in the same hotel since October 18 - just three days after Madonna and Guy announced their divorce. Not much is known about Kelly Reilly at the moment, but since she's a) a redhead, b) British, c) an actress and d) young, it's fair to assume that she's everything Madonna will never be. In fact, reports claim that Kelly Reilly is almost 20 years younger than Madonna. If that's the case - great work, Guy Ritchie! Kelly Reilly looks quite good for a 68-year-old!
The divorce between Madonna and Guy Ritchie must be profoundly upsetting for both of them, causing no end of misery and introspection and... What's that? Guy Ritchie might be having it off with an actress he hired to star in his new Sherlock Holmes movie? Well that didn't take long. According to reports, Guy Ritchie and actress Kelly Reilly have been shacked up in the same hotel since October 18 - just three days after Madonna and Guy announced their divorce. Not much is known about Kelly Reilly at the moment, but since she's a) a redhead, b) British, c) an actress and d) young, it's fair to assume that she's everything Madonna will never be. In fact, reports claim that Kelly Reilly is almost 20 years younger than Madonna. If that's the case - great work, Guy Ritchie! Kelly Reilly looks quite good for a 68-year-old!
Gwyneth Paltrow Stands Side By Scrawny Side With Madonna
As normally-functioning human beings, you've probably already picked a side in the impending Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce. And we're sure it was a hard decision to make - not least because given the choice of siding with an obnoxiously laddy potato-faced oaf like Guy Ritchie or his screechy, uncomfortably religious elderly man of an estranged wife, most normal people would just take the easy route out and throw themselves under a train. But that's not a problem that Gwyneth Paltrow has had to face - she's stepped up to the plate and declared that she's firmly on Madonna's side when it comes to the divorce. This, we suspect, is partly because of the great friendship shared by Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow, and partly because she's scared of Madonna chokeslamming her through a brick wall. She could, you know. Look at those arms.
As normally-functioning human beings, you've probably already picked a side in the impending Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce. And we're sure it was a hard decision to make - not least because given the choice of siding with an obnoxiously laddy potato-faced oaf like Guy Ritchie or his screechy, uncomfortably religious elderly man of an estranged wife, most normal people would just take the easy route out and throw themselves under a train. But that's not a problem that Gwyneth Paltrow has had to face - she's stepped up to the plate and declared that she's firmly on Madonna's side when it comes to the divorce. This, we suspect, is partly because of the great friendship shared by Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow, and partly because she's scared of Madonna chokeslamming her through a brick wall. She could, you know. Look at those arms.
Guy Ritchie Compares Madonna To Gristle, The Cockney Charmer
It's good to see, even though it's happening in public and millions are at stake, that the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce isn't getting nasty. For example, Madonna has recently vowed to remain in the UK despite the divorce, claiming that "there are lots of things about England that I love, but my husband isn't one of them," while Guy Ritchie has compared having sex with Madonna to "cuddling up to a piece of gristle." No, listen, that isn't divorce nastiness, that's basic fact. They're both right - Guy Ritchie really is a deeply unloveable human being and having sex with Madonna really is like cuddling gristle. Having said that, Guy Ritchie does lose some points for accuracy. If only he'd been completely honest and said "a really old piece of gristle with bizarre religious beliefs and a leotard that shows its fanny off inappropriately all the time."
It's good to see, even though it's happening in public and millions are at stake, that the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce isn't getting nasty. For example, Madonna has recently vowed to remain in the UK despite the divorce, claiming that "there are lots of things about England that I love, but my husband isn't one of them," while Guy Ritchie has compared having sex with Madonna to "cuddling up to a piece of gristle." No, listen, that isn't divorce nastiness, that's basic fact. They're both right - Guy Ritchie really is a deeply unloveable human being and having sex with Madonna really is like cuddling gristle. Having said that, Guy Ritchie does lose some points for accuracy. If only he'd been completely honest and said "a really old piece of gristle with bizarre religious beliefs and a leotard that shows its fanny off inappropriately all the time."
