Madonna’s plan to ensure all of her children get an express ticket to Jewish-lite heaven was to fill her indoor home swimming pool with Kabbalah water.
This would have gone nicely with the bench press she found near the Dome of the Rock, the pull-up bar she bought at a Southern Baptist community auction, and the sauna she made from the inside-out skulls of over a dozen Lucifarians.
The Kabbalah water in the pool – well that’s actually true. She was gonna stand there with millions of imported plastic bottles and dump each individual one into the deep end until it was at least semi-swimmable.
Not any more though. Now she’s just getting divorced – and Guy Ritchie has decided that whatever pours out of his green garden hose is probably good enough. That’s why he just canceled her weird, massive water order.
Well, the Ritchies are divorcing. They’re both apparently boning their rebounds, and they are amicably dividing up every single one of their possessions. For instance, Guy will get the head and neck of Rocco, while Madonna’s nannies will care tenderly for all the family rabbits.
We’re totally ad-libbing here.
Also, Guy is apparently keeping the country house, and dang it all he’s gonna flood it with whatever liquids he sees fit. One things for sure though – he’s not gonna sacrilegiously fill his pool with water stolen from the lips of Xerxes as he sat in his golden cave atop Mount Olympus, which we heard is where Kabbalans get everything they ever drink. Ritchie probably wouldn’t mind using it, actually, but his wife is said to have wanted the Kabbalah pool so bad he may just be trying to stick it to her.
According to the Telegraph:
“Mr Ritchie, the film director, has stopped the order for the ‘special water’ for the pool at their Wiltshire estate…The 40 year old has insisted that the pool should be filled with normal chlorinated water, not Kabbalah water as requested by the [Madonna].”
hecklerspray believes Ritchie’s water-cancellation to be a foolish move – one made by somebody who obviously doesn’t know how good that stuff is at healing old lady hands, arm flaps and really sizable dental gaps. When he finds the next senior-citizen love of his life, say Margaret Thatcher or something, he’ll surely regret it.
We’d also like to suggest a few water-replacement options if this other stuff is definitely out. For instance, why not install some under water electric-oven burners and fill the thing with thousands of copies of Hard Candy. Sure, the downside is he’d push her album up the charts, but think about how cool it would be to swim in thousands of those things all liquid and melty. When you got out of the pool you’d look like Agent Doggett in Terminator 2.
Plus, think of all the landfills he’d be able to keep just a little emptier. And really – isn’t that what Kabbalah’s all about.