Ladies, form an orderly queue – Guy Ritchie is now a single man. And, come to think of it, Madonna is also now a single man too.
Just a few hours ago, Madonna and Guy Ritchie formally finalised their divorce once and for all, putting an end to almost eight years of happy marriage, unhappy marriage, rumoured affairs and possibly the most offensively inaccurate adopted British accent in the history of time itself.
While Madonna apparently reacted to news of her divorce by sticking her middle fingers up at her audience during a concert, Guy Ritchie is said to have merely sighed “Thank God.” But that’s not important now – the important thing is that Madonna won’t be involved in any of Guy Ritchie’s films any more, which should elevate them to ‘merely unwatchable’ from their previous status as ‘flesh-clawing suicidal thought-inducers’.
The world you’re in now is completely different to the one you woke up to this morning. It’s a world where, if you’re a boy, you run the risk of being accosted by a little old lady in an ill-fitting gynotard who’ll brainwash you into having sex with her. And, if you’re a girl, you run the risk of being accosted by a little old lady in an ill-fitting gynotard who’ll force her tongue down your throat, but only if enough people are watching.
That’s correct – Madonna’s on the loose again.
Yesterday we warned you that it was coming, but today it finally happened – at 10am, Madonna and Guy Ritchie finalised their divorce at the High Court in a quickie hearing that neither star attended. The hearing marked the end of divorce proceedings between Madonna and Guy Ritchie that were quite nasty, but not as nasty as people would have liked.
True, Madonna may have forced Gwyneth Paltrow to take sides, and someone may have mentioned something about gristle, but that’s about as intense as it got. Nobody accused anybody of stabbing them with a wineglass like in Paul McCartney‘s divorce, there weren’t any weird mentions of dead prostitutes like in Charlie Sheen‘s divorce – there was just a brief settlement, a quickie divorce, a profound sense of emotional detachment and that was that.
But how did Madonna and Guy Ritchie take the news that their marriage was officially over? Metro has more:
The pop star welcomed single life with open arms at last night’s Sticky & Sweet Tour concert in Philadelphia with a middle finger salute to her failed marriage… Meanwhile, a relaxed and happy looking Guy ushered sons Rocco and David into a waiting car outside La Vina restaurant in Liverpool. He told a newspaper: ‘Thank God! It dragged on much too long. It was never about money – never about her bloody art collection.’
Maybe we shouldn’t read too much into Madonna’s reaction – in the past she’s used her middle finger for everything from a hamfisted attempt at sexual provocation in her Sex book to an expression of her mild disgruntlement at third world poverty during Live 8. And since in those cases it neither put an end to poverty or made anyone feel even the briefest glimmer of sexual arousal, it’s probably best that we ignore it.
It’s Guy Ritchie who’s done best from the divorce – alongside his dignified response, all the big-money settlement offers that he allegedly turned down in favour of increased access to his children have almost made him seem like quite a nice man.
Weird. We wonder how else the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce will destroy our preconceptions about the couple? Will Madonna start being sexy again? Will Guy Ritchie stop talking in his preposterous cockney accent? Will Madonna make a film that doesn’t make us want to hurl ourselves down a concrete staircase? We’re scared.