As normally-functioning human beings, you’ve probably already picked a side in the impending Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce.
And we’re sure it was a hard decision to make – not least because given the choice of siding with an obnoxiously laddy potato-faced oaf like Guy Ritchie or his screechy, uncomfortably religious elderly man of an estranged wife, most normal people would just take the easy route out and throw themselves under a train.
But that’s not a problem that Gwyneth Paltrow has had to face – she’s stepped up to the plate and declared that she’s firmly on Madonna’s side when it comes to the divorce. This, we suspect, is partly because of the great friendship shared by Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow, and partly because she’s scared of Madonna chokeslamming her through a brick wall. She could, you know. Look at those arms.
We sincerely hope that none of you are getting bored with this whole Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce thing yet. Because, trust us, this is only the beginning. The divorce is going to go on until… wait, we were going to say that the divorce was going to go on until both Guy Ritchie and Madonna are very old indeed, but Madonna’s already beaten us to the punch there. Let’s just say that it’s going to go on for a very long time.
And it’s going to be hard for both of them, especially now that Guy Ritchie has taken to comparing Madonna to scraggy dog food. But it’ll be slightly easier for Madonna, because Madonna has got Gwyneth Paltrow by her side.
Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow have both got so much in common. They’re both Americans living in London, for example, plus they’re both married to British celebrities. Plus they both love yoga and have vaguely nutty religious beliefs. Plus one’s a singer who wrongly thinks she can act and the other is an actor who thinks she can sing. Plus neither of them can pull off a convincing British accent.
Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow, it’s safe to say, are like two peas in a special futuristic pod that makes one of the peas look several decades older than the other.
And because of all these commonalities, Gwyneth Paltrow has vowed to support Madonna in her divorce through thick and thin – which, incidentally, is what we used to call Guy Ritchie and Madonna. BBC News reports:
Hollywood actress Gwyneth Paltrow has revealed she is “supporting” her friend Madonna through her divorce from husband Guy Ritchie. At the UK premiere of her film, Two Lovers, she said: “She’s a very good friend. I’m supporting her in all the ways that I can. I’m just there.”
We can’t help feeling that Gwyneth Paltrow will come to regret making that statement; if not immediately, then on the fourth or fifth time that Madonna has ordered her to daub ‘TINY-COCKED TWAT’ in giant letters across the front of Guy Ritchie’s house at 3am or poo in his shoes when he’s not looking or something.
Still, Guy Ritchie shouldn’t get too downhearted that a megastar like Gwyneth Paltrow has decided to side with Madonna in their divorce – he’s got plenty of famous friends too, and they’re equally as loyal to him. That’s why by tomorrow morning we expect to hear a full and frank endorsement of Guy Ritchie’s character by Dexter Fletcher from Press Gang. Beat that, Madonna.
Flank Tarmigan says
Im on guy ritchies side because madonna has got a veiny flange and smells of piss.