Remember when everyone thought that Madonna had given Guy Ritchie close to $100 million in their divorce settlement because she’s so lovely?

Yeah, she’s not lovely. Madonna is an awful person. And, as a reminder, Madonna has rushed out a statement suggesting that she wouldn’t dream of giving a cloth-eared bellend like Guy Ritchie that much money.

However, both Madonna and Guy Ritchie have said they’re happy with the divorce settlement – Madonna because she can keep her money and Guy Ritchie because he doesn’t have a wife who looks like a pensioner’s scrotum wrapped around a set of antique dentures any more.

Oh, we thought it was all over, you know. Madonna and Guy Ritchie were divorced, Madonna did some weird pneumatic vaginal thrusts at a man at a concert – thereby making him her new boyfriend according to Madonna Law – and Guy Ritchie probably shagged an actress in Chatham. Madonna gave Guy Ritchie a ridiculously large pile of money as a settlement and, bish bash bosh, everyone could get on with their lives again.

Except no. No, that’s not the case at all. Madonna wants you to ignore all the reports saying that she’d given Guy Ritchie $76 million, a gigantic country pile and a London boozer in her divorce settlement, because it couldn’t be further from the truth.

And, yes, even though news of the divorce settlement seemed to come directly from Madonna’s own henchwoman Liz Rosenberg, it still isn’t true. The new story is that Madonna is big and mean and nasty, and all she gave Guy Ritchie in the divorce was a kick in the bum and a nasty case of the herpes. Or something else entirely. Nobody’s saying for sure. However, Madonna and Guy did release this joint statement:

“We have tried to maintain a dignified silence regarding the details of our divorce for the last few months whilst accepting the obvious media interest. A misleading and inaccurate statement, specifically in relation to the sums of money involved, was wrongly issued to AP this week. The financial details of the settlement will remain private, save to say that both of us are happy with our agreement. Our primary concern, like any co-parents, is the care and well being of our children.”

So fair enough, maybe Guy Ritchie isn’t getting $76 million from Madonna in his divorce settlement after all. It doesn’t matter – what’s important is that he still gets to keep the love of his children. Or at least a generic expression of their love in the form of a three-line acknowledgment of his existence that Madonna will grudgingly pay an orderly to type out once every year.

The bad news, of course, is that a $76 million divorce settlement would have easily been enough to ensure that Guy Ritchie never had to direct another film again. And now he almost certainly will. Thanks a lot Madonna, you massive bitch.

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