Articles tagged with: Guy Ritchie
It's always the bloody same with women - they look at you, talk to you and move in certain ways, and before you know it you're under their spell. In a figurative way, of course. And actually, come to think of it, we can't remember the last time a girl even looked at us, never mind talked to or moved in certain ways at us. We digress...
But Madonna isn't happy with just getting a man under her proverbial spell, oh no - she is literally controlling the mind of Alex Rodriguez, the man she is allegedly getting it on with. Well, according to Rodriguez's estranged wife, Cynthia, that's what Madge is doing. Wait - what?
Brace yourselves, this is complicated - remember how baseball star Alex Rodriguez might be having an affair with Madonna, who might be divorcing Guy Ritchie?
Well, get ready for another layer of confusion, because now Alex Rodriguez's wife Cynthia might have run off with Lenny Kravitz. The same Lenny Kravitz who used to be romantically linked to Madonna. However, as confusing and soap opera-y as all of this sounds, it might just all have a happy ending.
After all, Madonna is happy because she might be having sex with Alex Rodriguez, Alex Rodriguez is happy because he might be having sex with Madonna and Alex Rodriguez's wife is happy because she might be having sex with Lenny Kravitz. Everyone's happy. Except for Guy Ritchie, obviously, but it'll be a sad sad day when people start caring about his feelings.
Now that it's semi-official that Madonna and Guy Ritchie are on the verge of a divorce, it's time to find out why - and apparently 'because he's Guy Ritchie' isn't a valid answer.
One theory that's currently doing the rounds is that Madonna has been getting closer and closer to New York Yankees baseball star Alex Rodriguez. So close, in fact, that Rodriguez apparently made a secret late-night visit to Madonna's apartment almost immediately after his wife gave birth to their second child.
If these reports are true, then it looks like Madonna and Guy Ritchie's marriage is done for. Still, it's not all bad. True, Guy Ritchie will be losing the love of his life and the mother of his son forever, but at least he won't have a veiny middle-aged woman hanging around all the time yattering away in the world's least convincing British accent with her vagina hanging out. Swings and roundabouts, really.
Everyone knows that Madonna and Guy Ritchie will get divorced soon, and also that Guy's chasing the giant gap between Madonna's teeth in the settlement, too.
But even though there's recently been a Holocaust-style law passed surrounding the Madonna and Guy Ritchie divorce - where you go to prison if you deny it - some people are still determined to cling onto the dream that Madonna and Guy are as together as together can be.
And one of those people is Guy Ritchie's mother. She's refusing to believe that there's marital strife between Madonna and Guy Ritchie, and that talk of their impending divorce is a lot of 'absurd poppycock'. 'Absurd poppycock' or 'complete bollocks' depending on whether she's the parent responsible for Guy's frightfully posh side or his inexplicably cockney side. We can't be bothered to find out which she is.
Madonna is like the wind blowing across a round Irish hill, gently carving a path through its tall waving grass.
She is like one thousand butterflies gracefully fluttering their wings as they fly around a dead tree that was felled by beavers like five years or something. She is like a tiger that can’t be tamed, like a peanut butter sandwich that can’t be eaten in less than two sittings.
Also, she is like an old woman who is tired of being married by some reports, and so is consulting the same divorce lawyer that helped Paul McCartney weave his way back to single-dom.
She is like a hecklerspray article that you simply must read more of…
Every wondered what it's like to have sex with Guy Ritchie? Us neither - in fact, we've spent much of our lives actively avoiding that exact thought.
But Madonna doesn't care. She's got an album coming out soon and she knows that nothing shifts CDs quite like intimate discussions of grubby sexual encounters with obnoxious mockneys, not matter how much they make your skin crawl.
For the record, Madonna says that Guy Ritchie is 'incredible' at sex - but before you get too excited, remember that some other things Madonna finds incredible include age-inappropriate leotards, scripts for poor erotic thrillers, Naomi Campbell's vagina, Andrew Lloyd-Webber musicals and made-up religions. It's hardly a group you'd want to be associated with, is it?
Ready for some more chances to make money from unhappy celebrities? Step right up. We're starting 2008 as we mean to go on, by crossing our fingers really hard and hoping that just about every celebrity couple in the land gets divorced and spends the rest of their lives wallowing about in abject near-suicidal misery just so we can make £12.50 from a lucky stab at a bet. And when we say 'we' we really mean 'you'. It's £12.50 that you didn't have before, at least. So here are the celebrity divorce betting odds for Jordan and Peter Andre, Madonna and Guy Ritchie, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Liz Hurley and Arun Nayar and Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil. Help, as ever, comes from Paddy Power...
