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Ashley Cole

Ashley Feels ‘Betrayed’ By Cheryl Cole – Has No Sense Of Irony

by Paul Pencott

Badly-done-to millionaire footballer Ashley Cole was tonight widely reported as telling anyone who will listen that he feels ‘betrayed’ by nation’s sweetheart and soon-to-be ex-wife Cheryl. According to unconfirmed sources, Ashley feels the singer/talent-show judge has been ‘stringing him along’ whilst he picks up the pieces from the entirely unfair coverage he has received after [...]

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Cheryl Cole Gives Away All Of Her Sparkly Tat

by Stuart Heritage

Cheryl Cole has made it perfectly clear that she doesn’t ever want to be reminded about Ashley Cole again.

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Cheryl Cole Divorcing Ashley Cole, Three Years Too Late

by Stuart Heritage

Good news boys – Cheryl Cole is single again! Bad news girls – Ashley Cole will probably try to finger you in a club soon!

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Ashley Cole’s Penile Antics Too Much For Cheryl Cole To Bear

by Matthew Laidlow

We feel like we’ve been lied to. Like everyone else we got caught up in the hype of Cheryl Cole mania. If there was a chance to buy a special edition of her album, or a branded calendar or pencil case, we’d do it. But not sparkly pink tops. We’re not strange. Anyway saddens us [...]

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Cheryl Cole Wants To Stay With Her Cock-Baring Husband

by Matthew Laidlow

Way aye man! You have to give it to Cheryl Cole – after forming Girls Aloud all those years ago, she has never been out of the public eye. Keeping to her traditional Geordie roots, her early career was dogged by her old Saturday night ritual of having a pint and a fight. Though we [...]

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Top 12 Most-Hated Premiership Footballers

by David Schwartz

Premiership footballers? Not exactly the most likeable bunch in the world, are they? Never has failure been rewarded so richly than in the top flight of English football. Apart from maybe the banking sector – but that’s a whole different story. They turn up for a few hours of training four days a week, play [...]

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Yay! Cheryl Cole Is Pretending To Be Happily Married Again!

by Stuart Heritage

Watching Cheryl Cole on X Factor, chances are all you see is a phenomenal amount of make-up and a voice that makes you want to scratch your own spine off.

But what you don’t see is the sadness behind Cheryl Cole’s eyes. The sadness of a woman whose husband got hammered on booze once and ended up having all sorts of depraved puke-sex with a slapper who wasn’t her.

Actually you can’t see that at all any more, because Cheryl Cole isn’t sad at all. In an appearance on Jonathan Ross to be shown on Friday, Cheryl Cole wore her wedding ring and told everyone that she’s patched up her marriage once and for all. The moral of this story, obviously, is that true love endures. And that if you earn £100k a week you can probably get away with vomiting over a few slags every now and then.

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Ashley Cole Is A Bad, Bad Husband

by hecklerspray staff

Ashley Cole, kicker of balls and shagger of hairdressers, has been voted the worst husband EVER by the readers of ladies’ mag Eve.

Ashley, who cheated on his singer and fan of assault occasioning actual bodily harm wife, Cheryl, late last year, apparently received over half the votes in the poll. Well done, Ashley. At least you’re winning something.

It’s got to be hard to top the list of anything. We at hecklerspray can only manage number 45 in a list of the WORLD’S most powerful blogs, after all. But think about it; Ashley Cole is now officially a worse husband than Fred West. Definitely. He is.

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Ashley Cole Can’t Put That Anywhere Near Cheryl Cole For 6 Months

by Stuart Heritage

Ashley Cole is about to pay the heaviest price for his infidelities so far – his skinny wife is banning him from having it off with her.

Just because Cheryl Cole has taken Ashley Cole back after his constant cheating, it doesn’t mean that she’s a complete pushover – she’s apparently slapped him with a six-month sex ban.

Genius. It’s obvious that if you stop having sex with a man who has a known history of shagging other women, he definitely won’t go out and shag the first fake-tanned slapper he sees in the first pikey nightclub he goes to. That’s a flipping certainty. Someone should give Cheryl Cole a medal.

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Lily Allen & Cheryl Cole: People, The War is Over

by Stuart Heritage

Historians know that the end of the Napoleonic War came when Napoleon’s wife had drunken vomity sex with another man and the Duke of Wellington felt a bit sorry for him.

And now history has repeated itself. Following the revelation that Cheryl Cole’s husband Ashley Cole loved nothing more than to dick a bunch of slappers while throwing up the contents of his guts all over them, Cheryl Cole’s arch-nemesis Lily Allen has called a truce.

That’s right – the ferocious Allen-Cole war is over. Maybe if politicians were more like Lily Allen the world would be a better place. Although if more politicians were like Lily Allen there’d be a lot more shambling amateurish BBC Three chat shows. Probably best that they’re not, then.

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