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Ashley Cole

Lily Allen & Cheryl Cole: People, The War is Over

by Stuart Heritage

Historians know that the end of the Napoleonic War came when Napoleon’s wife had drunken vomity sex with another man and the Duke of Wellington felt a bit sorry for him.

And now history has repeated itself. Following the revelation that Cheryl Cole’s husband Ashley Cole loved nothing more than to dick a bunch of slappers while throwing up the contents of his guts all over them, Cheryl Cole’s arch-nemesis Lily Allen has called a truce.

That’s right – the ferocious Allen-Cole war is over. Maybe if politicians were more like Lily Allen the world would be a better place. Although if more politicians were like Lily Allen there’d be a lot more shambling amateurish BBC Three chat shows. Probably best that they’re not, then.

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Cheryl Cole Bafflingly Takes Ashley Cole Back

by Stuart Heritage

Cheryl Cole – Girls Aloud’s most ferociously forthright member – has apparently cracked and got back together with her cheating husband Ashley Cole.

According to reports, Cheryl Cole took Ashley Cole back during their make or break crisis summit earlier in the week, and now they’ll live happily ever after. Apart from her, because she’ll have probably turned into a full-blown quivering paranoid wreck before the month is out.

But, hey, there’s a moral to this – it’s OK to nationally humiliate your wife by throwing up on a variety of other women during sex, because she’ll inevitably take you back afterwards. But only so long as you’re quite rich.

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Cheryl Cole & Ashley Cole! The Showdown! Today!

by Stuart Heritage

It’s been a few weeks since Cheryl Cole left Ashley Cole for puking on another woman during sex, and you were probably hoping it was all over.

Wrong! Just because Cheryl Cole left Ashley Cole, it didn’t mean that she’s actually left him. Cheryl might even take him back, if she can get over Ashley breaking the sacred marriage vow about only splattering his stomach contents on her during sex til death do them part.

And that’ll all be figured out today as Cheryl Cole and Ashley Cole have their dramatic make or break showdown. Which will probably be streamed live on Sky News for all the bloody attention it’s getting.

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Cheryl Cole To Have Vagina Swabbed

by Paul Sorrenti

Cheryl Cole is not only planning a divorce, but an STI check too, as she is worried that her husband Ashley’s penis may have infested her vagina with the fanny bacteria of Brooke Healy, according to The Star.

Brooke, a model, recently claimed that the marauding Chelsea left back managed to slip one into her empty net, having told her that he doesn’t like having a goalie involved, as they ruin the feeling he gets as his ball ripples round the back of the net.

It should be said that it’s never been confirmed that Ashley Cole has just the one ball.

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Cheryl Cole: Now There’s A Divorce Lawyer

by Stuart Heritage

You know how the other day Cheryl Cole left her cheating husband Ashley for a temporary period of time?

Well, it looks like Cheryl’s definition of ‘temporary’ might be ‘until the end of time itself’ because it’s emerged that she’s been having talks with a divorce lawyer, and stands to earn around £4 million if she does get divorced from Ashley Cole.

Four million quid. Factor in the thousands of ‘Cheryl’s heartbreak’ magazine deals she’ll sign and the new sad ghostwritten autobiography she’ll write, and it’s starting to look like letting her husband have all sorts of drunken vomit-sex with slappers was the best thing Cheryl Cole ever did.

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Cheryl Cole Does A Runner From Ashley

by Stuart Heritage

You have to this for Cheryl Cole – at least she’s got her dignity.

Sure, Cheryl may have stuck with Ashley Cole even though she knew he was cheating on her with a bunch of women, and only decided to leave him because she was embarrassed that the papers eventually found out, but apart from that Cheryl Cole’s still got her dignity. And she once sang a song called Racey Lacey, but apart from that Cheryl’s got dignity coming out of her wazoo.

Cheryl Cole’s left Ashley Cole by the way. We think that was our original point.

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Cheryl Cole Ridiculously Still With That Husband Of Hers

by Stuart Heritage

It hasn’t been a good weekend for Cheryl Cole – it started on Friday with news that her husband Ashley Cole had dicked a woman and ended yesterday with news that Ashley Cole had dicked another woman.

In fact, the way things are going, there’s a chance that Ashley Cole has probably had sex with you, too, in your sleep or when he walked past you when you were climbing up a ladder. But none of it matters, because Cheryl Cole has vowed to stand by her apparently marauding husband.

Funny, we always thought that Sarah Harding was the stupid one from Girls Aloud.

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