It's been a few weeks since Cheryl Cole left Ashley Cole for puking on another woman during sex, and you were probably hoping it was all over.
Wrong! Just because Cheryl Cole left Ashley Cole, it didn't mean that she's actually left him. Cheryl might even take him back, if she can get over Ashley breaking the sacred marriage vow about only splattering his stomach contents on her during sex til death do them part.
And that'll all be figured out today as Cheryl Cole and Ashley Cole have their dramatic make or break showdown. Which will probably be streamed live on Sky News for all the bloody attention it's getting.
It's literally been the marriage break-up that everyone's been talking about, mainly because it stops them thinking about their hollow little dreary lives. Cheryl Cole and Ashley Cole had it all – money, glamour, fame, fights with other celebrities, that weird unsubstantiated rumour about mobile phones and bottoms, as much faithful puke-sex as they could wish for, and then it all went wrong.
But then some random woman claimed that Ashley Cole had vomited on her behind Cheryl's back, and all hell broke lose. First Cheryl stuck by Ashley, claiming that she knew of the encounter but she was convinced it wasn't full barfing they did together. Then more and more puke-and-tell stories came out of the woodwork and Cheryl Cole left Ashley, for a bit at least.
And since then, both Cheryl and Ashley have tried to get on with their lives as best as they can, even though Ashley Cole is now so hated that he gets roundly booed by his own fans during England matches and Cheryl seems to be doing that uncomfortable divorcee thing of going out in hardly any clothes because the attention she gets from dingy weirdo sleazebags validates her slightly inflated sense of self-worth. But that all ends today.
Because today Cheryl Cole flies back to England to have a crisis summit with Ashley, as The Sun reports:
The cheating Chelsea star will come face to face with wife Cheryl tonight for showdown talks on their crumbling marriage. Cheryl has pondered how to deal with the scumbag Premier League numbnuts during a luxury hol in Thailand… A friend close to Cheryl said: "She feels she needs to give him a a final hearing. But she knows deep down that there’s nothing more he can say. He is guilty as sin and there is no excuse. She is feeling stronger after time away from him and has done a lot of thinking. Cheryl is ready to listen to him, but on her terms. She has a clear head now after the initial upset. Everyone is just hoping that she will keep her resolve and not wobble when she sees him again."
We've never been so excited about a heartbreaking, potentially marriage ending conversation between two people who we've never met and actually hardly think about on a day to day basis. Will Cheryl Cole's resolve crumble enough for her to take Ashley back? Or will she ditch him for good? We just don't know.
Sorry, there was a typo in that last sentence. The words 'don't know' should have read 'can't bring ourselves to even halfway care about such a desperately unlikeable couple of attention-seeking bastards.'
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Ali says
Of course she’ll take him back, he has lots of money and is a Footballer. Not that I care of course.
Not Mark Lamarr says
By the way, why is Shaggy in the photo?