Squat pop Ewok Lily Allen is famous for two things; wearing trainers with dresses and mercilessly slagging off any singer that she happens to be ambiently thinking about at any point in time – but sometimes her victims hit back, making Lily Allen sad.
This is basically what's been happening between Lily Allen and Cheryl Cole, the one from Girls Aloud who has to do all the talky bits in their songs because she can't be trusted to actually sing. First Lily Allen said something about Cheryl Cole, then Cheryl Cole called Lily Allen a "chick with a dick" on TV, then Lily Allen was all "boo hoo, I'm so fat and hideous" on her MySpace blog and now Lily Allen has got it together enough to call Cheryl Cole a "stupid bitch." Experience tells us that what'll happen next is that Cheryl Cole will pass Lily Allen a note in class that says "you're dead you are" before the other members of Girls Aloud grab Lily Allen after geography, throw her satchel on the roof of the woodwork block and hold her down while Cheryl Cole pulls her hair, gives her an extra-hard Chinese burn and kicks her in the chuff.
Usually when celebrities squabble it's easy to pick a side. Most people instinctively knew if they were Team Aniston or Team Jolie, for example. But trying to find even a shred of empathy for either Lily Allen or Cheryl Crow is a feat that's just beyond us. But let's look at both sides anyway, if only for shits and giggles.
On the one hand there's Cheryl Cole; the preening, self-absorbed wife of a middling footballer who is singularly Girls Aloud's least talented member and who once apparently screamed the word "jigaboo" at a black toilet attendant in a club. And then there's Lily Allen, a girl who'd start a fight with her own reflection if you put the mirror down low enough where she could see it. In the past Lily Allen has called Corinne Bailey Rae "boring" and got into a pikey fight with Lady Sovereign. And now Lily Allen and Cheryl Cole have turned on each other like a couple of terrifying pop stags charging antler-first at each other, albeit terrifying pop stags you couldn't really give that much of a shit about.
It all started on Gordon Ramsay's tiresome F Word show where, after a nice film about eating a horse, Gordon tried to ramp up publicity for his directionless programme by reminding guest Cheryl Cole that Lily Allen had one said:
"Nobody really wants to look like Cheryl, they just think they do."
To which, after some goading from Ramsay, Cheryl Cole replied:
"Chick with a dick."
And then it all kicked off. Still sensitive after her New Look clothing line was dwarfed by the Kate Moss one at Topshop, Lily wrote a self-pitying blog on her MySpace page claiming that she was fat and grotesque and that she wanted a gastric band and plastic surgery and whatnot. But it seems this self pity was a one-time thing, because now Lily Allen has written another post, this time saying:
I know I've said bad things about people in the past , though the majority of them have been blown wayyyy out of proportion , but this i mean… Cheryl if you're reading this , I may not be as pretty as you but at least I write and SING my own songs without the aid of autotune . I must say taking your clothes off , doing sexy dancing and marrying a rich footballer must be very gratifying , your mother must be so proud , stupid bitch .
No doubt it'll be about a millisecond before Cheryl hits back calling Lily a 'dog' or something, only for Lily to retaliate by saying that Cheryl's got a bum for a head and she poos out of the bum and the poo runs down her face and hits her in the eye which is somehow a part of both her bum and her face at the same time.
So whose side should we be on in this utterly pointless waste of energy? By whinging around so much, Lily Allen has shown that she can't handle it when she's on the receiving end of a slagging – but then again, she wasn't involved in a pissawful charity cover version of Walk This Way, either. And there are just some things that we can't forgive.