Lily Allen & Cheryl Cole: People, The War is Over

Lily Allen Cheryl Cole War Over Sorry Ashley ColeHistorians know that the end of the Napoleonic War came when Napoleon's wife had drunken vomity sex with another man and the Duke of Wellington felt a bit sorry for him.

And now history has repeated itself. Following the revelation that Cheryl Cole's husband Ashley Cole loved nothing more than to dick a bunch of slappers while throwing up the contents of his guts all over them, Cheryl Cole's arch-nemesis Lily Allen has called a truce.

That's right – the ferocious Allen-Cole war is over. Maybe if politicians were more like Lily Allen the world would be a better place. Although if more politicians were like Lily Allen there'd be a lot more shambling amateurish BBC Three chat shows. Probably best that they're not, then.

We don't know what's going on with the world these days. Everyone's being so nice to each other. First Britney Spears gets less crazy and now Lily Allen and Cheryl Cole aren't at each other's throats all the time. It's bad for business, that's what it is. We're going to have to start sending famous people shoebox turds under the pretence that we're Charlotte Church or everything's going to get so unbearably lovely that we'll have nothing to report any more.

Because, come on, Lily Allen and Cheryl Cole? They're sworn enemies, for God's sake. Lily Allen wrote a sarcastic song about Cheryl Cole, then Cheryl called Lily a 'chick with a dick', then Lily called Cheryl a 'stupid bitch'. Things literally don't any more serious than that.

But now Lily Allen has extended the olive, and for once not so she can reach the higher up shelves at the supermarket. On hearing about Cheryl Cole's predicament with husband Ashley Cole – you know, the one where Ashley cheated on Cheryl by puking on another woman and then Cheryl left him and eventually took him back because she wouldn't be as famous without him – Lily Allen has extinguished their long-running feud by offering her sympathies to her.

Well, alright, not exactly offering her sympathies to her, as such, but telling some people on her awful chat show about it. And the 'sympathy' bit isn't entirely accurate either. Here's what Lily said, according to Marie Claire

The star told the audience on her chat show, Lily Allen and Friends: 'A couple of years ago, if I had read the stuff about Cheryl Cole, about her and Ashley, I’d probably have had a little laugh to myself. Now I actually feel sorry for her. I’m not a nasty person anymore.’ She also admitted that her contempt of Cole had arisen out of jealousy of her stunning looks, saying: ‘She’s beautiful, that’s why I hated her so much.’ 

Ah, the old 'transparent self-pity masquerading as forgiveness' tactic. We hear that's how Churchill beat Hitler too, you know. 

But now at least we can all sleep safe at night knowing that Lily Allen and Cheryl Cole are friends again. The world is a better place, especially for Cheryl Cole. After all, nothing makes up for the fact that your husband systematically cheated on you several times with a string of dodgy-looking women like a three-nippled munchkin half-apologising on a TV show that nobody watches.

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Lily Allen: 'I feel sorry for Cheryl Cole' – Marie Claire