Ashley Cole is about to pay the heaviest price for his infidelities so far – his skinny wife is banning him from having it off with her.
Just because Cheryl Cole has taken Ashley Cole back after his constant cheating, it doesn't mean that she's a complete pushover – she's apparently slapped him with a six-month sex ban.
Genius. It's obvious that if you stop having sex with a man who has a known history of shagging other women, he definitely won't go out and shag the first fake-tanned slapper he sees in the first pikey nightclub he goes to. That's a flipping certainty. Someone should give Cheryl Cole a medal.
It's difficult, but we shouldn't judge Cheryl Cole for the way she's behaved over the revelations that Ashley Cole has spent the last few years having freakish vomit sex with all the slags. Sure, if it wasn't humiliating enough to hear sordid newspaper accounts from all the women who Ashley Cole had systematically slept with during their marriage, Cheryl Cole then had to face the further indignity of publicly taking her roving husband back.
And it's easy to judge her because of this. It's easy to say that Cheryl Cole is basically a braindead plaksplonk who's only sticking with Ashley Cole to try and further their brand as a couple and that she'd have ditched him instantly if he didn't earn a jillion quid a second for just punting a ball around in a stadium of booing skinheads for an hour and a half a week. It's easy to, but we never would.
You see, Cheryl Cole has a trick up her sleeve. She may have taken Ashley Cole back, but only on the proviso that he doesn't put his dirty pecker anywhere near her for six months. Ha! That'll teach him. Game, set and match Cheryl Cole. The Sun reports:
A pal of the couple said: "Cheryl has told Ashley there will be no sex in their house for at least six months and although he’s going to find it incredibly hard he agreed to her terms. She wants Ashley to appreciate her and realise what he has got. But he’s a red blooded fella and it’s not going to be easy… Ashley is famous for his ball control but this will be the ultimate test."
If that last sentence wasn't completely paraphrased by a Sun journalist then we're going to weep for humanity. Because, shit punning aside, Ashley Cole isn't famous for his ball control. He's famous for schtupping anything that moves, and also for drunkenly throwing up during it. That last quoted sentence should have read "Ashley has rubbish ball control, and he often pukes over his balls like some sort of hungry self-abusing ball-obsessed Brundlefly." We're going to hold our breath until The Sun changes it accordingly.
Anyway, you might question the common sense of Cheryl Cole punishing a man who happily had sex with other women when she was having sex with him by withholding sex. But Cheryl Cole doesn't care. You can't judge her because you don't know the hurt that Cheryl Cole has been through lately. Well, you won't until she inevitably publishes her tawdry ghostwritten autobiography in time for Christmas, anyway.
That's if this sex ban is even real, anyway – but we're positive that it is. After all, for her to try and salvage a shred of dignity from all this by inventing an imaginary sex ban and making it public so that people think that she's got the upper hand would take some brains. And Cheryl Cole, as if you needed reminding, is a plaksplonk.
Read more:
sarah says
I love Stuart! finally someone who doesn’t feel the need to pander to these muppets. the voice of reason in a world gone mad!
sarah (but not the sarah who meant puppet instead of muppet, damnit) says
Now, instead of a six month sex ban, cheryl cole should just bang as many men as she possibly can in a six month period and then compare it to ashley’s score. winner takes all!
mst3kster says
I’m assuming that Cheryl Cole has never heard of Lorena Bobbitt.