Good news boys – Cheryl Cole is single again! Bad news girls – Ashley Cole will probably try to finger you in a club soon!
It’s all over. Months after the latest revelation that Ashley Cole had been cheating on Cheryl Cole, and years after the first revelation that Ashley Cole had been cheating on Cheryl Cole, and weeks after everyone stopped caring about either of them, it’s happened. Cheryl Cole has begun divorce proceedings against Ashley Cole.
You might think that this is sad news – after all, the end of a marriage is never time for celebration – but let’s look on the bright side here. This news means that a) Cheryl Cole is now free to move on with her life and b) we can all blame Ashley Cole when England arses everything up at the World Cup now. Yippee.
Their marriage may have been doomed from the start, but at least Cheryl Cole and Ashley Cole can look back on their mangled wreckage of a union and realise that they’ve both grown as people. Ashley Cole, for example, has realised that he doesn’t need the mansion and the popstar wife and all the other trappings of being a premiership footballer – just give him a dirty-looking hairdresser that he can have drunken sex with and then immediately vomit over, and he’s got everything he needs.
And Cheryl Cole has realised that she’s a shit fortune teller. Writing and releasing a song called Fight For This Love weeks before her separation? We can’t wait to hear her next album – we hear it’s full of songs called things like I Don’t Think Gordon Brown Has Anything To Worry About and No, Trust Me, There Will Never Be Any Form Of Environmental Disaster In The Gulf Of Mexico During Our Lifetime.
But still, the main thing is that it’s over. According to reports, Cheryl Cole has finally started divorce proceedings against Ashley Cole. ITN reports:
It is reported Cheryl Cole has begun divorce proceedings against her footballer husband Ashley Cole. The Girls Aloud singer apparently launched the action on Tuesday and it is believed she is keen for a quickie divorce. According to reports The X Factor judge does not want Cole distracted as England prepare for the World Cup.
News of the divorce is sad, but at least there are no children involved. True, Ashley Cole appears to have the mental capacity of a toddler and Cheryl Cole looks like a child’s doll – specifically a limited edition Bratz doll that’s been modelled on a mid-range street prostitute – but that doesn’t count.
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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
what a load of rubbish, would you say the same about John Terry, Rooney, Beckham etc
What, about them having the mental capacity of a toddler? I should think so.
This is just a crop of shit! I don’t know why english press always love 2 distract attention of ur players even at this world cup time. Instead of you 2 support them u are writing rubbish, laughing at d downfall of ur fellow man. U need 2 check ur brain!
“I Don’t Think Gordon Brown Has Anything To Worry About and No, Trust Me, There Will Never Be Any Form Of Environmental Disaster In The Gulf Of Mexico During Our Lifetime.”
Not likely, I doubt she so much as knows who Gordon Brown is.
Can you imagine coming home and hearing Cheryl Cole singing??? That’s enough to make any dude screw around!