Ashley Cole Is A Bad, Bad Husband

Ashley Cole Worst Husband Cheryl Cole SurveyAshley Cole, kicker of balls and shagger of hairdressers, has been voted the worst husband EVER by the readers of ladies’ mag Eve.

Ashley, who cheated on his singer and fan of assault occasioning actual bodily harm wife, Cheryl, late last year, apparently received over half the votes in the poll. Well done, Ashley. At least you’re winning something.

It’s got to be hard to top the list of anything. We at hecklerspray can only manage number 45 in a list of the WORLD’S most powerful blogs, after all. But think about it; Ashley Cole is now officially a worse husband than Fred West. Definitely. He is.

And now poor, poor Cheryl has decided to stick with this awful man, bearing through with nothing but £90,000 a week and a choice of sixteen bedrooms to weep in. And she still has the guts to go on the cover of magazines and the front pages of newspapers every single day and talk about her misery. How do you do it, Cher? How? Fuck that guy who wrote a book with just his eyelid, you truly deserve the award for most exceptional human being of all time.

Perhaps it’s the fact that Cheryl had only recently gotten a tattoo which read ‘Mrs. Cole’ on the back of her neck which is giving her pause for thought. But don’t worry, that can be easily sorted. Remember when Johnny Depp split with Winona Ryder and had his tattoo changed to ‘wino forever’? Well, you can’t do that. Your choice of tattoo doesn’t allow for any witty alterations, we’re afraid. You should have thought about this before getting the tattoo you silly billy.

No, what hecklerspray is suggesting is that you dump Ashley Cole and straight away marry Andy Cole. He’s a footballer too, you know. Burnley aren’t quite in the same league as Chelsea but you’ll get used to it. Plus, we bet Andy doesn’t have sex with hairdressers and sick all over them. And he’s black. Problem solved!

Now here’s some advice for you, Ashley. At the very top of the opposite poll Jamie Oliver was voted best husband. So, if you want to get back in the wife’s good books all you need to do is spit in her face, cook an acceptable spag boll and you can shag and sick til your heart’s content.

Oh, and one final thing, Ashley: watch your back, mate. Remember what happened last time a person of colour crossed the path of Cheryl Cole.

Read more:

Ashley Cole voted Worst Celebrity Husband in new poll – Mirror 

[story by Callum de Caestecker]