Going to jail was supposed to teach Paris Hilton a lesson about the consequences of social irresponsibility, but it seems that the lesson was "oh here Paris Hilton, here's a cellphone and all your mail and a brand new uniform that nobody's shat in."
The Los Angeles Country Sheriff's Department has decided to conduct an internal investigation over claims that Paris Hilton received far more perks during her three-week jail sentence than inmates who aren't primarily famous for wanking off men on the internet. These claims state that Paris Hilton had constant access to her mobile phone in her cell, was given a brand new prison uniform to wear instead of a usual recycled one and was regularly visited by jail bigwigs. Not only that but Paris Hilton was only forced at shiv-point to perform cunnilingus on the other inmates so long as the shiv was made with a requisite level of professionalism and the inmate's vagina didn't look like a smashed-up carrier bag made out of turkey wattle.
Some people say that Paris Hilton getting arrested for drink-driving and Lindsay Lohan getting arrested for driving on cocaine and Nicole Richie getting arrested for driving backwards on pot and Vicodin marks a sort of witch-hunt against young carefree female celebrities, but other people say that they'd all get in a lot less trouble if they just stopped driving around like a bunch of bell-ends all the time. But regardless of what people say, Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan have nothing to fear from jail because, as Paris Hilton appears to have proven, jail is piss-easy if you're famous.
People had their doubts about how fairly Paris Hilton would be treated in jail after her maximum 90-day sentence was slashed to 45 days and then just 23 days in a luxury jail for the well-known. This wasn't really helped when Paris Hilton was busted out of jail after about 14 seconds and told to stay in her gigantic house where people could deliver cakes to her. Those doubts were diminished somewhat when a judge threw Paris Hilton back in jail for longer than anyone else ever, but still some remained. Why, for example, would Paris Hilton waste her one daily phone call talking to Ryan Seacrest about pillows? Most people have unlimited access to telephones and can't think of anything worse than to have to talk to Ryan Seacrest about anything, let alone pillows – unless they're discussing how they'd like to smother him in his sleep with one.
To listen to the sheriff overseeing Paris Hilton's jail sentence, you'd think that the girl was a paranoid suicidal wreck, but now the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department is launching an internal investigation over claims that Paris Hilton's treatment in jail was so preferential that it was about ten times more comfortable and relaxing as that holiday you've spent five years saving up for. The LA Times reports:
The department union, which has repeatedly clashed with Sheriff Lee Baca, said deputies have come forward to complain that Hilton had free access to a cellphone while other prisoners must wait in line to use pay phones during set hours. Hilton also received daily visits from top brass at the Lynwood facility — including a captain who hand-delivered her mail — in contrast to others who get letters brought to them by inmate trusties, they said. And officials were allegedly ordered to give her a new jail uniform while many inmates use recycled ones.
We're sure that Paris Hilton has mixed feelings over this alleged preferential treatment she received. While it's one thing to be able to send out 'Lindsay UR a slut lol' text messages at any time of the day, Paris must have felt that she wasn't getting the authentic jail experience and the knowledge that her prison uniform was free of other womens' shit will have been heartbreaking.
Maybe that's why Paris Hilton hasn't been in the news much lately – rather than keeping her head down to try and re-establish herself in the public eye as a do-gooder, it's possible that her friends and family are giving her the real jail-cell treatment she longed for. Or maybe we're just projecting our desire to put a handful of pebbles in a sock and wallop Paris Hilton around the head with it a little too much. Yeah, it's probably that.
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Viking Lumberjack says
“the inmate’s vagina didn’t look like a smashed-up carrier bag made out of turkey wattle”
It is going to take a ridiculous amount of boozing to clear that image from my mind. Thanks Hecklerspray, now I have an excuse!
Dolly says
Who cares? Bush got his buddy off with a slap on the wrist for being an American traitor. Paris Hilton is chump change compared to this.