Posts tagged as:

Usher

Michael Jackson’s Memorial Service: Fittingly Uncomfortable

by Stuart Heritage

In life, Michael Jackson always had a touch of the Willy Wonkas about him – reclusive, eccentric, fond of kids.

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Usher Apologises For Something Vaguely About Chris Brown

by Stuart Heritage

Giving a jetski to Chris Brown is like giving a hammer to a shark – it’s totally irrelevant, but it winds people up.

OK, not people. Just Usher. When Usher saw the photos of Chris Brown larking around on a jetski in Miami recently, he decided that Chris wasn’t showing an appropriate level of remorse and gave him a jolly good tongue-lashing. Now, though, Usher has decided to apologise for his outburst.

But more fool Usher – in actual fact Chris Brown was using the jetski to scout for mermaids he could punch in the face. Usher was right first time! The shame!

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Usher’s Wife’s Face Or Body Is All Messed Up And Stuff

by Stuart Heritage

You know what we’ve realised? God hates good dancers. It’s true – just look at what He did to Chris Brown.

And now He’s started messing about with Usher, too. Alright, not Usher specifically – Usher’s wife Tameka Foster. All Tameka wanted was to go to Brazil for some cheap, possibly unregulated plastic surgery, and it all ended up going so horribly that Usher had get a neurosurgeon in to fix her.

But the good news is that Tameka Foster is now in a stable condition. Next time, God, pick on a dancer your own size. Like, say, thatbellend from Jamiroquai.

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Usher Can’t Stop Getting People Pregnant

by Stuart Heritage

Usher is good at two things – dancing like a man being attacked by a swarm of invisible jellyfish and getting women pregnant.

OK, maybe not ‘women’ as such. Usher is good at getting one woman pregnant – his wife, Tameka Foster. Just nine months after the birth of their first child, it’s announced that Tameka’s only gone and got another baby on the go.

That’s impressive work, especially when you account for the fact that most couples don’t even reveal their pregnancy until the second trimester. That means Usher managed to knock his wife up less than six months after she had the first baby. That’s either incredible or a bit gruesome, depending on how hung up you are with the idea of tearing and stitches and whatnot. We are, by the way, which probably accounts for the nausea.

Either that or Usher has somehow got us pregnant simply by us writing about it. We wouldn’t put it past him.

Usher is good at two things - dancing like a man being attacked by a swarm of invisible jellyfish and getting women pregnant. OK, maybe not 'women' as such. Usher is good at getting one woman pregnant - his wife, Tameka Foster. Just nine months after the birth of their first child, it's announced that Tameka's only gone and got another baby on the go. That's impressive work, especially when you account for the fact that most couples don't even reveal their pregnancy until the second trimester. That means Usher managed to knock his wife up less than six months after she had the first baby. That's either incredible or a bit gruesome, depending on how hung up you are with the idea of tearing and stitches and whatnot. We are, by the way, which probably accounts for the nausea. Either that or Usher has somehow got us pregnant simply by us writing about it. We wouldn't put it past him.
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Usher To Spray Hits All Over The Laydeez, And Only The Laydeez

by Stuart Heritage

Hello there. Usher notices that you’re a lady. He’s seen those ladysacks through that blouse and he approves of them wholeheartedly – do you mind if he sings?

That probably isn’t the intro tape to Usher’s new ladies-only tour, but it should be. You see, Usher’s so fed up of having his sexual R&B flow disrupted at concerts by the occasional sight of a stubbly chin or an Adam’s apple that he’s banned all men from his upcoming club tour. From now on, only Usher’s rock hard testosterone can penetrate the soft, moist sea of oestrogen that is his audience.

And you know what, we actually think it’s a brilliant idea. That’s why we’ve decided to make this article a ladies-only article. Only women are allowed to read on, because only women will be able to form a true connection with our uniquely sensual musings.

Seriously though, no blokes. We’ll freak out if blokes read this. Urgh.

Hello there. Usher notices that you're a lady. He's seen those ladysacks through that blouse and he approves of them wholeheartedly - do you mind if he sings? That probably isn't the intro tape to Usher's new ladies-only tour, but it should be. You see, Usher's so fed up of having his sexual R&B flow disrupted at concerts by the occasional sight of a stubbly chin or an Adam's apple that he's banned all men from his upcoming club tour. From now on, only Usher's rock hard testosterone can penetrate the soft, moist sea of oestrogen that is his audience. And you know what, we actually think it's a brilliant idea. That's why we've decided to make this article a ladies-only article. Only women are allowed to read on, because only women will be able to form a true connection with our uniquely sensual musings. Seriously though, no blokes. We'll freak out if blokes read this. Urgh.
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Usher Re-Hires His Mum, Which is an Odd Thing to Have to Say

by Ian Dransfield

Usher really must have thought he had it all going for him. He had a multi multi multi million selling album, a wife (eventually, a few times), a child with his name and some hats. Things were looking rosy for the dancing pop prat. Then he brought out a new album, ‘Here I Stand’, and [...]

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Usher Conclusively Knows Why There’s So Many Lesbians

by Matthew Laidlow

Sometimes at Hecklerspray our working days are often thrown into chaos as we attempt to help each other out. While we have tried to make you believe that big boss man Stuart Heritage has gone in to hibernation, it is in fact a bit of a lie. You see, after spending months wondering why he [...]

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Usher Tries Not To Be Unfaithful

by Chris Laverty

Usher, or Raymond when he wears those plaid jackets, is struggling not to bonk everything that moves now he is married and has a baby son to bring up. Poor, rich bastard. Whether you like Usher‘s music or not, it must be said that the boy can dance; predominantly he dances like a spaz, but [...]

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Usher Gets Booed For Being An Idiot

by Stuart Heritage

What’s the first thing you should do when you play a concert, other than plug stuff in and check your flies?

That’s right, you work out which town you’re playing. The fastest way to alienate any crowd is to go onstage, mistakenly blurt out a greeting meant for another town located more than 250 miles away and get booed by the crowd because you’re obviously a dick.

Perhaps someone should have pointed this out to Usher before his performance at the Radio 1 Big Weekend festival in Maidstone, where he bounded out onstage and bellowed “Hello Manchester!” to a chorus of boos. Usher should be thankful he got away that lightly. This was Maidstone, after all – he’s lucky a pregnant 12-year-old didn’t stab him in the eye with a sawn-off bottle of Bacardi Breezer.

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Usher Has Baby, Names It Usher

by Stuart Heritage

Even though Usher only looks about 12 years old, it’s pleasing to know that at least he has a fully-working set of adult male genitals – we know this because nine months ago he used them to get his now-wife pregnant.

And now the pregnancy has come to fruition, because it’s been reported that Usher’s wife Tameka Foster gave birth to their first baby, a little boy called Usher Raymond V, on Monday night. Luckily the birth of baby Usher seems to have taken place without any major complications, which is a relief because we were worried that it’d be carried out with the same indecision that marked Usher and Tameka’s wedding. And no baby wants to spend its first few moments on earth trying to be rammed back up its mother’s vagina because nobody can decide if they want it or not. Seriously, could’ve happened.

Even though Usher only looks about 12 years old, it's pleasing to know that at least he has a fully-working set of adult male genitals - we know this because nine months ago he used them to get his now-wife pregnant. And now the pregnancy has come to fruition, because it's been reported that Usher's wife Tameka Foster gave birth to their first baby, a little boy called Usher Raymond V, on Monday night. Luckily the birth of baby Usher seems to have taken place without any major complications, which is a relief because we were worried that it'd be carried out with the same indecision that marked Usher and Tameka's wedding. And no baby wants to spend its first few moments on earth trying to be rammed back up its mother's vagina because nobody can decide if they want it or not. Seriously, could've happened.
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