Hello there. Usher notices that you’re a lady. He’s seen those ladysacks through that blouse and he approves of them wholeheartedly – do you mind if he sings?
That probably isn’t the intro tape to Usher’s new ladies-only tour, but it should be. You see, Usher’s so fed up of having his sexual R&B flow disrupted at concerts by the occasional sight of a stubbly chin or an Adam’s apple that he’s banned all men from his upcoming club tour. From now on, only Usher’s rock hard testosterone can penetrate the moist, supple sea of oestrogen that is his audience.
And you know what, we actually think it’s a brilliant idea. That’s why we’ve decided to make this article a ladies-only article. Only women are allowed to read on, because only women will be able to form a true connection with our uniquely sensual musings.
Seriously though, no blokes. We’ll freak out if blokes read this. Urgh.
Men tend to cope with the tedium of being married in different ways. For example, we hear that David Duchovny likes to wank a lot. A lot. And Christie Brinkley‘s ex-husband Peter Cook, he liked to… well, OK, he liked to wank as well. They’re men. They like wanking. They all do. They don’t have different ways of coping, we just made that bit up. They all just wank a lot. Wank wank wankity wank wank.
But not Usher. Wanking’s not for Usher. But that doesn’t mean he’s not a little sick of looking at the same woman every day. True’s he only married Tameka Foster recently, but Usher wants – no, Usher needs – to prove that he’s still sexy to everyone else.
That’s why Usher has done the most mid-life crisisy thing any man can possibly do aside from growing a ponytail and pretending to like Dizzee Rascal – he’s arranged special tour that only ladies are allowed to watch.
That’s right – only ladies will be granted access into Usher’s lascivious inner circle. And definitely only women, OK? None of those sodding pre-ops are sneaking in this time. Usher doesn’t want to invite any pretty girls back to his dressing room only to realise they’re actually got big hairy cocks. People reports:
“This album … was definitely the type of one that was more intimate,” the entertainer says of his most recent recording, Here I Stand. “So what better way to get up close and personal than to make it all women? The ladies like to see that masculine build,” he told the AP. “They question if I still got it.”
You know what else the ladies like, Usher? Cake. You want to smother your masculine build in cake if you really want to please the ladies. Also, we hear that ladies like it when men don’t leave their bloody socks in the middle of the floor for them to pick up. Or ignore them when they’re talking to you about their day. Or pretty much just take them for granted in general. So, you know, don’t do any of that either please Usher. Mmm, sexy.
In fact, Usher’s ladies-only tour is such a good idea that we’re not even going to question the fundamental sexism at the core of it. Because, you know, how would women like it if men started going to nightclubs that were only for gentlemen?
They wouldn’t, which is why it’s a good thing that these so-called ‘gentleman’s clubs’ don’t even exist. So there.
Shooty* says
The most pithy and concise explanation of the Duchovny situation I’ve come across (pardon the pun). You should copyright it in case Radio 4 or The Times try and use it.
Front page: “Duchovny: Wank wank wankity wank wank”