Hey, you think it's bad that Christie Brinkley's marriage ended because her husband started plonking his man-sausage into a teenage girl he met in a toyshop?

Well, you don't even know the half of it. During the first day of the gloriously public Christie Brinkley/ Peter Cook divorce trial yesterday, it was claimed that Cook spends around $3,000 a month on porn websites. What an idiot – why doesn't he just illegally download his pornography for free like the rest of us do?

Now, we're no mathematicians, but even if Peter Cook found the time to solidly jerk himself into a frenzy three times a day to internet pornography, that still equates to about $33 per ejaculation. $33! For that money he could buy a fresh pair of ladies shoes each time and wank into those instead. That's what most men would rather do, right? Right?

Just us? 

It must really sting to be Christie Brinkley at the moment. Not because she's getting divorced – she tends to schedule one of those in every couple of years anyway – but because, although she's a supermodel, it's becoming clear that her almost ex-husband Peter Cook finds just about everything else on earth sexier than her.

Seriously. We already knew that Peter Cook had a thing for alarmingly young girls he meets in toystores – that's what led to his separation from Christie Brinkley in the first place – but now it's been claimed that Cook also has a thing for internet pornography. And not just a passing curiosity, either – Peter Cook allegedly spends $3,000 a month on it.

Imagine the pile of pork chops you could buy for $3,000. Now imagine that all the pork chops are made from jism – that's how much Peter Cook likes internet porn. But, hey, you want to know more? Great – here's the New York Daily News:

Her lawyer's opening statements painted Cook as a womanizing, Internet porn-addicted pervert who paid his young girlfriend from piles of money he hid around his family home. "He was so busy spending his cash on the Internet and Diana Bianchi that he never put a cent back into his family," Brinkley's lawyer Robert Cohen said.

Ah, yes, Diana Bianchi. She's the girl who Peter Cook had lots of sex with behind Christie Brinkley's back. Peter Cook also liked to spend money on her, too – as well as the cash he regularly left her under a rock near his office, it's also claimed that he tried to hush Diana Bianchi up with a payment of $300,000.

Wow, he really must have wanted her to stay quiet – that money could have bought him eight years' worth of porn.

And all this came out on the first day of the divorce trial – Christie Brinkley has got to get through 44 witnesses before Peter Cook's even allowed his rebuttal. This is the best divorce ever! 

Still, though, $3,000 a month? On pornography? What's it of, a mermaid humping a unicorn?

Seriously, is it? Because we'd probably quite like to see that.