It’s week three, and we’re all still clinging on, like a shivering, frostbitten Leonardo Di Caprio desperately grasping hold of Kate Winslet’s plank. It’s kind of nice.
We began with a rare montage of previous X Factor successes ‘dominating the charts’. Cher Lloyd, JLS and Olly Murs. Meanwhile, last year’s winner Matt Cardle is co-writing his debut album with David Sneddon.
Also, every single music video of the ex-contestants shown in this sequence employ the use of LIVE ACTION and ANIMATION and subsequently look like various scenes from Space Jam. Every single one. It’s bizzare. Somewhere out there, Thom Yorke can be heard hastily adjusting the black and white settings on Windows Movie Maker.
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And here we are again. You all look so incredibly tired.
So before we begin, let’s really think to ourselves – what do we really WANT from episode 2 of The X Factor 2011? Because so far, nobody has really got what they want, have they? Nobody really voluntarily asks for Kelly Rowland, for example. Nobody really wants Gary Barlow to be angry to them before 9pm.
Hopefully this week, things will change for the better. We would like to see integrity. We would like to see a jazz singer sing an ironic version of She Wolf. We would like to see at least three testicles. But most importantly, we would like X Factor to bring us a window of entertainment that preceeds an ENTIRE EVENING with Will Young, preferably singing low-key versions of his amazing selection of pop hits, preferably in a tuxedo. Hey. What can we say? We dare to dream.
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Action Man dicked amniotic super-foetus Justin Bieber may have to go to big man’s court after getting in hot water (presumably not tested with an adult elbow first) after someone claimed that he owes them money for his obviously dreadful track One Less Lonely Girl.
Sadly, it isn’t clear whether Bieber has formed a human brain capable of dealing with the notion of ‘money’ yet. It’s alleged that Bieber ate his first royalty check before sneezing a spaghetti hoop out of his nostril.
Anyway, the wonderfully monickered Vance Tate and Thomas Oliveria (also known as A-Nus A-Rex) are going after him with bits of paper with legal words written on and a promise to give him a Chinese Burn and take away his blankie.
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Beyonce and Nelly Furtado have stepped forward, held their hands up and said “Ah. Didn’t really know we were playing gigs for the family of despotic leader Gaddafi and getting paid with blood money. Soz.”
And as such, the pair have given their pay cheques to charity, thereby, restoring a trace of belief in the world of pop. See? They are not all greedy, self-serving shits are they?
However, there’s still a few popsters who have failed to come forward and talk about the pennies they’ve earned from playing gigs for Colonel Gaddafi. Some are eerily quiet about the whole thing. However, Mariah Carey, who has thus far been silent has finally opened her mouth and… well… being more vague than a politician.
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As we all know, Nelly Furtado announced that she gave away money earned from playing a private party for the family of Libyan fucknut Colonel Gaddafi, making her look like an altruistic saint compared to everyone else.
Everyone started pointing and muttering about Mariah Carey, 50 Cent, Usher and all the rest of the entertainment world who accepted piles of money covered in people’s blood and stinking of crude oil.
Would they give the money to charity? Would they stick their fingers in their ears until all this was swept under a rug made from Libyan cadavers? Well, not in Beyonce’s case. Why? Well she gave the money to charity last year and didn’t feel the need to tell everyone about because she really cool like that. Read More >>>
Imagine playing a gig at the behest of Colonel ‘Do You Think He Might Have Had A Butcher Perform The Plastic Surgery On His Face?’ Gaddafi. His sons want a nice party with an internationally successful singer performing in the corner like a circus clown.
“Hi Supreme Thingy Gaddafi! Great place you got here! What a swell country! I barely noticed the pile of corpses I tripped over on the way in here! Haha! No, honestly, what a place! It’s a real honour sir…”
However, bafflingly, there’s a whole bunch of pop stars who have done exactly that. Performed gigs for huge sums of money, which presumably, really grease the throat when you have to swallow any moral leanings you might have about mad bastards running countries with a mixture of fear and Soul Glo hair products.
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There’s a propensity for soul singers to get fans on-stage and sing to them. We’re not talking about a thing similar to Bruce Springsteen getting Her From Friends up to dance around like pricks in videos – more like, Alexander O’Neil pinning women down to a bed and grinding all over them while sweatily crooning one off all over them in full view of the bleachers.
And Usher is no different. He gets fans up and pretends that he doesn’t feel in danger (presumably because he has trained simians with rifles in the light rigging) when faces with the great plebbish.
However, he should. Why? Well, while singing silky nothings in the ear of one lucky fan, she decided to kick him in the face. Lovely stuff. Read More >>>
Usher feels that he is under pressure to be the new Michael Jackson. Yeah, like Michael Jackson fans will be willing to accept this gyrating punk as The New Messiah. Unless, of course, he decides to start writing songs about poverty while living in a million dollar mansion.
Usher says he feels there is something missing in the music world following Jackson’s untimely demise, but luckily for you, he is more than happy to fill the void. He’s already started hanging around with young men like Justin Bieber, so that’s a start.
Sorry. Couldn’t resist. Read More >>>
