And here we are again. You all look so incredibly tired.
So before we begin, let's really think to ourselves ? what do we really WANT from episode 2 of The X Factor 2011? Because so far, nobody has really got what they want, have they? Nobody really voluntarily asks for Kelly Rowland, for example. Nobody really wants Gary Barlow to be angry to them before 9pm.
Hopefully this week, things will change for the better. We would like to see integrity. We would like to see a jazz singer sing an ironic version of She Wolf. We would like to see at least three testicles. But most importantly, we would like X Factor to bring us a window of entertainment that preceeds an ENTIRE EVENING with Will Young, preferably singing low-key versions of his amazing selection of pop hits, preferably in a tuxedo. Hey. What can we say? We dare to dream.
Actually, sod that ? can we have a talent programme which circles entirely around the cinematic technique of ?a montage sequence instead? It'll be like watching a Shane Meadows film or something. EXCEPT WITH GLAMOUR!
We are greeted by the usual selection of bints all wanting to make their dreams come true as usual. Like the selfish bints that they are. Bints. Just get a job at Costa, and buy a keytar like the rest of us, why don't you. This goes on for quite a while. Dermot O’Leary is for some reason overlooking these proceedings, equipped with a brand new monologue about how a large quantity of people are standing outside a building waiting to sing an acapella Jason Derulo song. Doesn't Dermot O’Leary crave a better life sometimes? Jesus, Dermot. Just get a job at Costa and buy a keytar like the rest of us.
The judges are introduced to us once again, just in case we were by any chance excited about that. Kelly Rowland, Gary Barlow, Louis Walsh and Tulisa Consideryourselfoneofus-StavrosFlatley.
After a few lonely months, a couple of brutal divorce battles, some mild alcohol poisoning, and the fading of a strange pigmentation issue on our upper thigh, the first contestant of tonight?s show is eventually introduced. He is called Johnny Robinson, which sounds like one of those names that was made up on the spot to get out of a tricky situation. Don’t worry, JOHNNY. Your secret’s safe with us, JOHNNY.
‘Johnny’. Brilliant.
?Johnny Robinson? is one of those rare male hybrids who is a cross between John Inman and that lad from that C4 Boy Who?s Skin Fell Off documentary. Oh, and he has a personality. This could potentially get charismatic, so put on an extra jumper for this bit.
He sings ?At Last? (by Katie Waissel) for the judges, and is ultimately amazing. He sounds like Orville the Duck and everybody absolutely adores him for it. One of the Mature 2008 Take That Albums plays in the background as his verdict is revealed. But only an instrumental version, because Gary Barlow is humble. He gets through.
Another montage now. Everyone is kissing everyone else on the lips, like we're in bloody Basic Instinct or something. Disgusting. This is followed by another audition, just as a rare treat. Oh no wait, it's just a disguise for an audition which is actually another bit about how some people in the world like to bone each other sometimes. What is happening? Don’t the X Factor producers know that they have a registered sex offender on the judging panel this year? Things start off pretty normally. The auditionee in question sings a Kings of Leon song badly (WHICH HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE IN THE WORLD EVER) and then a man comes on stage and asks him to marry her, in a crazed act of unscripted, love-driven spontaneity. It's a lovely moment for a show which is usually so intently driven to be all about the music, so we simply have nothing else to add, except congratulations. Congratulations for pretending to love your girlfriend so she would get through her X Factor audition.
Up next is Derry, who is black. But that’s cool, because ITV1 totally get that, and play some 90s Will Smith records over the top of him so that Derry will more likely feel at home. We also learn that Derry voluntarily likes Kelly Rowland. In fact, he voluntarily likes Kelly Rowland to the point where he is actually excited to meet Kelly Rowland, which is a bit of a new one on us. ITV1 obligingly celebrate this fact with getting Kelly Rowland to film herself in a dark room blowing kisses for him, which really puts the whole concept of ?money? into perspective.
Derry has brought 800 people with him all wearing DERRY HAS THE X FACTOR T-SHIRTS. They look fantastic. If anybody knows where you can get hold of those things, please contact us because we really would like to know. Topman only do knitted versions of it, and quite frankly we were hoping for something a little more breezy.
Derry goes up for his audition and sleazily sleazes to Kelly Rowland about how great her vagina is, or whatever. Jesus, is this the X Factor or CASABLANCA tonight?? He sings an acapella Usher song. Kelly Rowland effectively tells him to sod off and join JLS. In fact, all of the judges tell Derry to change little aspects of himself. Because celebrating who you are as a person is so very 2010, you know. You wouldn't catch Official Representative of Modernism in Western Culture Tulisa pulling shit like that now, would you? Nonetheless, Derry gets through, and also gets a cheeky kiss on the cheek from Kelly. The sweat on our collars is LITERALLY LIKE THE NILE.
At this point, we're approximately in the second trimester of the show, and all that really seems to happen in these moments is Kelly Rowland changing the title of The X Factor to ?The Cool Factor?, some obligatory Louis Walsh is Harmlessly Gay match cuts, the ?record scratch? joke still being like BILL HICKS X 1000, and the Polar Bear off the Birdseye advert developing some sort of horrific advanced level of Schizophrenia.
But now everything is fine, because we're in LIVERPOOL now! Yes, Liverpool! In Liverpool! Dermot boasts that ?they've never been to Liverpool before? on the X Factor. Presumably to try and comb over that pretty heavy Ray Quinn situation they got themselves into a few years ago. Gary Barlow proclaims that if they don't find an X Factor star in Liverpool he will literally and definitely not figuratively eat his own suit, which is such an incredibly crazy thing to say. Still though, if you think about it, Gary Barlow does look exactly like the sort of person who readily eats his suits, so all in all – pretty plausible statement.
But lo and behold, the first auditionee from Liverpool doesn't sing very well at all, despite the fact that Paul McCartney is from Liverpool and DOES sing well, which is pretty confusing. He has a nice collar, and has quite a pleasing blonde hue to his hair however, so still makes it on to TV. An overweight man tries his luck instead, which obviously can't work because he's a bit overweight. AND they're playing Razorlight over the top of him as if he were in a Louis Theroux documentary about Death Row. Regardless of this, the overweight man WHO DOESN?T DESERVE A NAME (but if he did, we assume it would probably be something along the lines of ‘Craig’) comes on to the stage and tells everyone about how he is from Liverpool. The audience absolutely crap themselves with excitement that someone from Liverpool is auditioning at the X Factor auditions in Liverpool. Even Brian Cox would probably admit he couldn’t fully measure the universal aspects of that one.
Craig tells the judges that he works in a biscuit factory, presumably not knowing that you're not meant to take ?taunts from people in the street literally. Then in a shock twist, it turns out that the slight fat does not obstruct his lungs after all and he sings a lovely Adele song to the delight of the entire of Planet Earth. All of the judges tell him how they didn't expect him to sing well, because what were the odds that after Susan Boyle, there was actually another talented, unattractive person in the midst of our hemisphere after all? Another disappointment from Brian Cox this evening.
Next up, X Factor remind us that they also let groups audition for their show too. A duo called ?The Duos? (POST-MODERNTACULAR!) are just one of these. They sing badly and everyone laughs at them. Gary Lucifer Barlow shoots them a disapproving glare. So a group called ?BROMA5NCE? (*Google explodes out of confusion *) try their luck instead, but unfortunately have not picked up any of the Beatles overwhelming musical talents despite being a band from Liverpool, which is yet again devastatingly bad luck. Still, Broma5nce is definitely the name of our next budgie, so it's not all bad.
Another horrific moment from Louis, as he mistakes a masculine looking woman in a checkered shirt for being an actual man, even though the Guinness World Records clearly state that Louis Walsh was the guy who pitched the whole idea of lesbians in the first place anyway.
Eventually, things begin to stagger (jagger) to a halt, and we begrudgingly listen to the words of our final auditionee of the night, Misha Bryan. Take it away, Misha! Misha is a poor, penniless girl who sobs dramatically to the camera about how she is so skint she has to humiliate herself by travelling on Arriva buses sometimes. ITV1 apparently have a clause where X Factor contestants are not allowed to wipe away their tears, and the poor girl is Sinead O Connorring all over the ruddy shop. Eventually, they let her sing a song called ?RESPECT? by an old woman called ?ARETHA FRANKLIN? (*Google explodes out of confusion*) and does a rap too. Just like how Cher Lloyd used to rap. Seriously, it's like the world is shrinking.
Coming up next week!
More people go on stage and sing, but we will most likely never get to see that. AND – to give our internal organs an extra bit of a kick, we we will be teaching you how to play your very own home-version of the Kelly Rowland cocaine-taking game!
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Joanna says
Immense. Brilliant article.
Mr Omneo says
I thought last weeks review was fantabulous but this weeks blows it out of the water!
Who needs a tellybox when you have reviews like this?
kjfklsad says
CRAP review!