Giving a jetski to Chris Brown is like giving a hammer to a shark – it’s totally irrelevant, but it winds people up.

OK, not people. Just Usher. When Usher saw the photos of Chris Brown larking around on a jetski in Miami recently, he decided that Chris wasn’t showing an appropriate level of remorse and gave him a jolly good tongue-lashing. Now, though, Usher has decided to apologise for his outburst.

But more fool Usher – in actual fact Chris Brown was using the jetski to scout for mermaids he could punch in the face. Usher was right first time! The shame!

You know, this Chris Brown/ Rihanna thing was so close to being over. Everyone had done their bit to condemn Chris Brown for allegedly beating up Rihanna – Roseanne, the woman who’s suspiciously good friends with Oprah, the literate half of the internet, Ne-Yo – and the only names missing from the list were Usher, Zammo from Grange Hill and the “I want to do a poo at Paul’s house” kid from the air freshener advert. Once they’d all registered their condemnation, we’d have enough to throw Chris Brown in jail forever and move on with our lives.

And we were so close, too. Earlier this week, you may have seen photos of Chris Brown messing around on a jetski in Miami while apparently rekindling his relationship with Rihanna. While there’s a chance that Chris Brown was actually using the jetski to deliberately tear vast gashes into the hulls of ocean liners with his teeth, it’s more likely that he was just innocently having some fun. And this wouldn’t do for Usher at all, who was filmed saying the following about Chris Brown:

“I’m a little disappointed in this photo. After the other photo? C’mon, Chris. Have a little bit of remorse, man. The man’s on jet skis? Like, just relaxing in Miami?”

Brilliant. One condemnation registered from Usher. That just left Zammo and Poochild and then we could all go home. But – no, wait – Usher has decided to retract his statement, so we’re back at square one again. MTV reports:

“The comments made during a recent recording session amongst friends were taken out of context and blown out of proportion. I apologize on behalf of myself and my friends if anyone was offended. The intentions were not to pass judgment and we meant no harm. I respect and wish the best for all parties involved.”

We genuinely haven’t got a clue why Usher has decided to apologise for his statement about Chris Brown like this. Presumably it’s for one of the following reasons:

1 - Usher has realised that it’s impossible to look remorseful on a jetski, because he tried it once and the nearest he could get was a brief expression of constipated glee.

2 - Usher has realised that his comments could have made any future meetings with Chris Brown awkward, like if Usher accidentally walks into the branch McDonalds that Chris Brown was forced to start working in after everyone stopped buying his albums.

3 - Chris Brown paid Usher a little visit that helped to change his mind, if you know what we’re saying.

We’re saying that Chris Brown beat Usher up. On reflection this probably didn’t happen.

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