Congratulations Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen – you’ve broken yourself a weekend box office record.
What record? Why, Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, you’ve broken the weekend box office record for the longest, noisiest film that’s about absolutely nothing at all. And the weekend box office record for having the most painfully racist-seeming characters this side of Jar-Jar Binks.
And, somewhat inexplicably, Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, you’ve broken the weekend box office record for the year’s biggest movie opening. Actually, wait, is that one true? It doesn’t seem like it should be. It is? Really? People are stupid.
Shocking news shockingly emerged to shock the world when it was revealed Megan Fox brutally snubbed a fan offering her a rose the other day.
While most of the shock was reserved for the fan himself, who looked like the 80s had truly never ended, some people reserved their shockedness for the one in the tight jeans from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.
For you see, it is expected of movie stars to brave the crowds, to listen to their fans and to not (shockingly) ignore the offer of a yellow rose from someone who probably masturbates over pictures of you.
In a shocking indictment of the state of movie directors and their grasp of the English language, Michael Bay has unleashed a furious and poorly-written email in the direction of Paramount’s bigwigs.
Bay’s email came as a result of what he perceived to be a lack of marketing behind his new vehicle of childhood butchery, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.
While the content of the email, dated May 4th, isn’t that much of a shocker, the man who likes things to blow up committed the cardinal sin of writing “of” in place of “have”. More than once.
Miley Cyrus to kill Radiohead (thanks for the heads up by Joke Police. Don’t expect Miley was that chuffed with Thom’s response here. Though she speaks so damn fast who really knows for sure?)
Before filming commenced, internet legend has it that Michael Bay challenged McG to a ‘dick measuring contest’ – equating to Terminator Salvation versus Transformers.
While it’s hard to tell who has the biggest dick from the movies alone, Bay wins on sheer balls – quite literally at one point. Revenge Of The Fallen is bigger, badder and stupider in every way than its predecessor.
Its a fantastic ride, but one that suffers from Bay’s trademark crash-bang editing, meaning you’ll remember the set pieces, but struggle to care about the plot.
He’s the world’s most desired man. She’s the world’s sexiest woman. Together they have the combined IQ of, say, a silly goose.
We’re talking about Robert Pattinson and Megan Fox. Or, if the rumours are to be believed, Frobox. Those are the rumours that Robert Pattinson and Megan Fox are secretly dating on the sly, which would necessitate the invention of an irritating singular compound brand based on their individual names.
But wait – did we just say that Robert Pattinson and Megan Fox are secretly dating? WOW! Imagine the babies they’ll have – they’ll be so cute! And also preposterously dim!
Transformers 2 is undoubtedly going to be one of the biggest movies of 2009. Well, OK, maybe not ‘biggest’.
Maybe we meant ‘loudest’. Or ‘most pointless’. Or something. Look, anyway, none of this matters because there’s a brand-new teaser trailer for Transformers 2 after the jump, and we’re about to show it to you – while giving you the full lowdown on it – after the jump.
Alternatively, if you’ve seen the first Transformers movie, you might not want to bother watching the Transformers 2 trailer. It’s exactly the same. Exactly. Seriously, we’re not joking. Avoid the Transformers 2 trailer like the plague. You’re not listening, are you?
10 - Can’t be bothered to watch the The Wire even though everyone’s always banging on about how good it is? Well here’s the whole thing, in the form of a song…
9 - Incredible vintage pictures of inventions that science never got round to inventing, the bastards – Wellmedicated
8 – Quite an interesting article about The Dark Knight score. If you like that sort of thing – Slashfilm
7 – All the celebrity mugshots you will ever need – ABCactionnews
6 – Want to be a knackered-out old crying redneck like Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler? Then here’s how – Asylum
5 - A list of people who were such tools that their names all became common terms for ‘tool’ -Cracked
Going directly against the orders of Michael Bay, Megan Fox seems to be doing exactly the opposite to piling on some poundage. Whereas the explosion-loving director ordered every young boy in the world’s wet dream to put some weight on for Transformers 2, the actress has revealed that she instead decides to clean herself out [...]
For once it would appear that there’s some good news about Shia LaBeouf – both with regards to his mangled hand and his movie career. In news sure to bring a smile to The Beef’s little face, it turns out that his recent car accident will not result in the amputation of his little finger, [...]
Congratulations Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen – you’ve broken yourself a weekend box office record.
What’s hot and what’s not. That expression falls into the latter category.
Before filming commenced, internet legend has it that Michael Bay challenged McG to a ‘dick measuring contest’ – equating to Terminator Salvation versus Transformers. 
He’s the world’s most desired man. She’s the world’s sexiest woman. Together they have the combined IQ of, say, a silly goose.
