Michael Bay Orders Megan Fox To Chub The Flip Up
You know what the problem is with Megan Fox? You can’t hear her thighs scraping together when she walks anywhere.
This is because Megan Fox clearly isn’t fat enough. Boys only like girls if they’ve got wads of back fat you could lose your fist in and a chin that’s barely visible under the rolls of sweaty neck-lard. There’s nothing more arousing than a girl having a chronic wheezing fit because she’s had to run 10 metres for a bus, right boys?
That’s what Michael Bay thinks, anyway. Now that Transformers 2 is under way, Bay has decided that Megan Fox is far too skinny and that she needs to be 10 pounds heavier. Nobody really knows why, but he’s probably just worried that Megan Fox is so skinny that she’ll buckle and snap under the weight of all Transformer 2’s obvious crappiness.
We’ve never been able to trust Megan Fox, and it’s probably because we’re convinced that she’s an android sent from the future to destroy humanity by getting all its male teenagers to wank themselves into oblivion.
Because Megan Fox is just a little too perfect, isn’t she. Her eyebrows look just a little too tweaked, her lips a little too pouty. She’s only capable of speaking in occasional sex-based soundbites designed explicitly to send 14-year-old boys scampering to their bedroom clutching reams of tissue paper. Her surname is Fox, for crying out loud. In short, Megan Fox is all style and no substance.
Which is probably why Michael Bay likes her so much, then. As a man who judges how good an actress is by the way the sunshine hits her cleavage when she’s been oiled up and shoved into the desert and asked to chop down cacti in slow motion to the sound of Linkin Park, Michael Bay knows that Megan Fox is the best he will ever get.
Except she isn’t, because she obviously doesn’t eat enough food. Michael Bay has ordered Megan Fox to get fatter for Transformers 2, presumably because he doesn’t want her breasts to be upstaged by Shia LaBeouf’s big old man-titties. MTV reports:
Fox recently slimmed down for her role in the upcoming film Jennifer’s Body. The 22-year-old star told Fox News, “I’d lost a lot of weight and I got really scrawny, but I was told I had to put on a size for Transformers because Michael doesn’t like skinny girls.”
Full credit to Michael Bay here – he knows what he wants, and if he’d wanted a scrawny actress with a fat mouth who can’t act, he’d have cast Mick Jagger instead.
Besides, it’s completely vital that Megan Fox has her boobs and arse back to full working order by the time Transformers 2 starts shooting because, god knows, anything that can distract our attention away from all the giant incontinent robots shouting offensive ebonics at each other will be a flipping godsend.
“Nobody really knows why, but he’s probably just worried that Megan Fox is so skinny that she’ll buckle and snap under the weight of all Transformer 2’s obvious crappiness.”
Crappiness, heh. The same thing could be said about this article itself.
Heh, as well as your post about this article about this movie heh, heh
EMOTICON heh
wtf!!! this article is a piece of shit!!!!
megan fox looks amazingly gorgeous with the added 10 pounds (she really needed it too)
and shia does not have man titties- hes muscular!!
and stop making fun of people who arent a size fuckin 0!!! you make it sound like people are either skin and bones or too fat!!! and thats not true!!!
so go fuck yourself, asshole!!!!
[...] HECKLERSPRAY – You know what the problem is with Megan Fox? You can’t hear her thighs scraping together when [...]
Whoa, settle down there, fatty. Don’t want you havin’ a heart attack; we’d need a forklift to get your elephantine carcass out of here.
are you talking about me, gir???
Why yes I am, and I want to commend you on your self-awareness, Porky.
this whole article is ‘obvious crappiness’
why dont you go and pause ‘the sun hitting her cleavage scene’ and wank yourself into oblivion you sexist pig!
if Megan Fox has Bay’s desired ‘trouser effect’ all the power to her.
if you cant control your erections sweetheart then thats your problem.
Transformers was a great, cool movie, two hours of pure escapism from reality and im sure the sequel will deliver also.
why dont you go and find something else to write about, you wanna-be-fucking-journalist and keep your opinions to yourself.
Ease off man, so what if she was required to put on ten more pounds? The same way she put it on is the same way she can take it off! Duh!
Why the sudden hating on Shia? Do i detect a hint of jealousy for his obviously toned body and mad acting skills? Lay off them. This article was useless and you know it
“Why the sudden hating on Shia?”
Sudden? Au contraire, Shia and his ridiculous name and his stupid fucking face have been an object of derision for quite some time now.
lecia:”The same way she put it on is the same way she can take it off! Duh!”
This is great news for all the fatties out there (isn’t it sam?)
Apparently you have discovered that by eating like a pig
at the trough she can LOSE weight. Brilliant. Did you get your
scientific knowledge from the University of Absurdistan?
Or are you suggesting she eats until she pops? I’m cofnused.
just so you all know i am 5′5 and weigh 112 lbs. (which is average, in case you dumbasses didnt know)
it pisses me off when people call other people fat because i have friends who struggle with eating disorders
and gir and euclid you guys can go do something more useful with your time instead of calling people fat (very original btw) do something you deserve like go shit on eachother and suck eachothers dicks (if you havent already because you bastards seem perfect for eachother)
“i have friends who struggle with eating disorders”
Your chins?
“I have friends”, etc.
Imaginary friends don’t count, fat sam.
You want original? OK, here goes:
As the great wheel of culture turns
churning out the bilge of Fox and Bay
you fat sam are the axle grease,
the sullied tallow that makes the spinning
flow so smoothly, the animal remnants
of a once prouder form of life that once
sought glory but seeks now only
indignation.
Very poetic. Reminds me of Bukowski, had he been a guy on an celebrity gossip satire blog.
so you jackasses think 5′5 and 112 lbs is fat
its not
so shut the fuck up bitches
this article was friggin hilarious
Thanks for the laughs.
Wow this whole thing was one big shitload of fuck.
It was by far one of the stupidest articles I have ever read and I am now dumber for having read it. It truly defies physics for it both sucks AND blows. Stuart Heritage, you sir could only have made a decent contribution to society as an aborted fetus used for stem-cell research.
No, sam, I just don’t believe that you are telling the truth. Fatty.
Wow angry geek I’m totally astounded by your edginess. A “shitload of fuck”? Truly inspired. Aborted fetus? Damn, take that shit to fark.com, man, you’re hilarious. And edgy. Edge-larious.
Guys,
Most of us don’t like gir unless he’s telling the truth. Right now, we like him lots.
Or her. I don’t know.
[...] the explosion-loving director ordered every young boy in the world’s wet dream to put some weight on for Transformers 2, the actress has revealed that she instead decides to clean herself out with [...]