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Stalker

Britney Spears & The Camo-Clad Stalker

by Shawn Lindseth

Celebrity Stalking  is an art – one few have perfected. We did though – don’t believe us? Then how do you explain us living in Dom DeLuise‘s pantry for almost a month. Our trick was to dress as something that wasn’t food. It doesn’t really matter what – that’s the only stuff that used to [...]

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Jamie Foxx Outfoxes Foxy Intruder In Non-Scripted Foxy Death-Fight

by Shawn Lindseth

Well right off, let us just tell you that the title up there has probably misled you a little. Sure, Jamie Foxx did recently fend off an intruder in his own hotel room recently, but sources have since indicated it was his Nanna. And now just let us tell you that the above paragraph may [...]

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Kirsten Dunst Gets Restraining Order For Her Only Fan

by Stuart Heritage

Kirsten Dunst used to bump uglies with Johnny Borrell, so she knows a thing or two about unbearably dirty-looking nobsacks.

And what’s Unbearably Dirty-Looking Nobsack Lesson One? That you don’t let them near you. That’s why Kirsten Dunst has just got restraining order against Christopher Smith, a man who was allegedly caught trespassing on her property.

Now everyone’s happy. Kirsten Dunst no longer has to live in fear, and Christopher Smith can just start stalking things that remind him of Kirsten Dunst, like a drunk horse that’s fallen face-first down a giant flight of concrete stairs or something.

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Man Arrested For Still Liking Lindsay Lohan

by Stuart Heritage

Lunging at Lindsay Lohan is a galactically moronic thing to do – it’s like drinking sewage or belly-flopping into dirty syringe skip.

So, when anybody does lunge at Lindsay Lohan, it’s best to arrest them on suspicion of being weird. And that’s what happened to Daniel Combs after he allegedly flung himself at Lindsay Lohan outside an Arizona nightclub yesterday.

A man excited to be around Lindsay Lohan? That doesn’t sound right. Our theory is that Combs was just trying to give Lindsay some underwear, which explains his cries of “For the love of God, cover it up! My eyes! They burn! THEY BURN!”

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Tom Cruise Wants That Gun-Flailing Army Man To Keep Away

by Stuart Heritage

Now he’s been pegged as Hollywood’s leading creepily insincere sci-fi nutjob, Tom Cruise needs all the fans he can get.

Unless, you know, those fans keep turning up at his house without permission because they’re fanatical veterans’ rights activists with a history of psychiatric issues who keep shutting down freeways by allegedly waving flags and guns around.

That’s bad news for Edward Van Tassel – he’s exactly that, and he’s been given a restraining order forcing him to stay away from Tom Cruise. Phew, that was close – it’s a good job these mentally ill gun-toting rogue soldiers respect court orders so diligently, eh?

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Paula Abdul Understandably Spooked Out About That Dead Lady

by Stuart Heritage

Paula Abdul once sang a duet with a chainsmoking cartoon hip-hop cat, so she knows weird when she sees it.

But when a woman who a) looked like Paula, b) painted lifesize pictures of Paula and c) appeared on the TV show that Paula judges died outside Paula Abdul’s house surrounded by pictures and CDs all bearing Paula Abdul’s image in a car with a licence plate that professed her love for Paula Abdul, that may have tipped things to a new level.

Apparently Paula Abdul hasn’t slept in her own house since any of this happened. Well, duh.

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Alyssa Milano Refuses To Be Stalked Anymore

by Shawn Lindseth

Alyssa Milano is still quite famous. Don’t argue the point – just trust us here. Not only did she star as Tony Danza‘s midget lover on the eighties sitcom Hey You Guys, Who Is The Boss Here?, but more recently she was also in some show where she played the ghost of Shannon Doherty or [...]

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Jennifer Garner’s Stalker In ‘Actually Quite Odd’ Shock

by Stuart Heritage

We can all say that we’ve had visions where Jennifer Garner gets beaten by an angry mob due to her belief in Jesus, can’t we?

No? Most of us? No, not most of us either? Some of us have had visions of Jennifer Garner being persecuted by a mob for believing in Jesus? No? Not even some of us? Just Jennifer Garner’s psychiatric patient stalker Steven Burky, then? Oh.

Well, it’s just a shame that Steven Burky won’t get to warn Jennifer Garner of his vision, then, because Garner has just taken out a court order claiming that she’s living in mortal fear of him. So let’s just hope that Jennifer Garner doesn’t end up being assaulted by a violent mob because of her faith in Jesus Christ, because if she does, Jennifer Garner is going to end up looking pretty bloody stupid.

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Paula Abdul’s Number One Fan Turns Up Dead

by Stuart Heritage

An American Idol contestant infatuated with Paula Abdul enough to paint huge pictures of her has been found dead near Abdul’s home.

The body of Paula Goodspeed was discovered yesterday near Paula Abdul’s mansion in a car with a Paula Abdul-referencing license plate, next to pictures and CDs of Paula Abdul. It’s thought that Paula Goodspeed overdosed on prescription drugs, following a less successful suicide attempt near Abdul’s home earlier this year.

It’s sad news, and Goodspeed’s death might even make reality producers question their vetting process or treatment of contestants. Maybe they could just let Randy Jackson judge the next season of American Idol alone. After all, nobody can like him that much, can they?

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Jamie Lynn Spears Gets A ‘Stalky’ Paparazzo Arrested

by Stuart Heritage

Poor old Jamie Lynn Spears – ever since Miley Cyrus decided to show some of her back off to the world, people just aren’t as interested in pregnant teenagers.

That might just be for the best though, because as soon as anyone does show the slightest bit on interest in Jamie Lynn Spears, she flips out and gets them arrested for stalking her, which is what happened to photographer Edwin Merrino a couple of days ago.

Merrino denies the charges, but then again who can blame Jamie Lynn Spears for protecting her unborn child so fiercely? If she starts letting strangers get to close to it, then the baby might hear their voice and start to prenatally learn words and concepts that Jamie Lynn Spears herself doesn’t understand. Have you ever become the slave of a malevolent super-intelligent unborn baby dictator? It isn’t very bloody nice, trust us.

Poor old Jamie Lynn Spears - ever since Miley Cyrus decided to show some of her back off to the world, people just aren't as interested in pregnant teenagers. That might just be for the best though, because as soon as anyone does show the slightest bit on interest in Jamie Lynn Spears, she flips out and gets them arrested for stalking her, which is what happened to photographer Edwin Merrino a couple of days ago. Merrino denies the charges, but then again who can blame Jamie Lynn Spears for protecting her unborn child so fiercely? If she starts letting strangers get to close to it, then the baby might hear their voice and start to prenatally learn words and concepts that Jamie Lynn Spears herself doesn't understand. Have you ever become the slave of a malevolent super-intelligent unborn baby dictator? It isn't very bloody nice, trust us.
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