We can all say that we’ve had visions where Jennifer Garner gets beaten by an angry mob due to her belief in Jesus, can’t we?
No? Most of us? No, not most of us either? Some of us have had visions of Jennifer Garner being persecuted by a mob for believing in Jesus? No? Not even some of us? Just Jennifer Garner’s psychiatric patient stalker Steven Burky, then? Oh.
Well, it’s just a shame that Steven Burky won’t get to warn Jennifer Garner of his vision, then, because Garner has just taken out a court order claiming that she’s living in mortal fear of him. So let’s just hope that Jennifer Garner doesn’t end up being assaulted by a violent mob because of her faith in Jesus Christ, because if she does, Jennifer Garner is going to end up looking pretty bloody stupid.
If you’re a celebrity with a stalker, rule number one is that you must never deliberately lead them on. It doesn’t matter what they do – whether they try to blow up an airport in your name or whether they send you boxes of sex toys accompanied by photos of themselves drinking unidentified yellow liquid – you must always remain standoffish in case they flip out and get all Single White Female on you.
That’s a lesson that Jennifer Garner could do well to learn. She’s had a stalker by the name of Steven Burky for a few years now. He’s a born-again Christian psychiatric patient who believes he was satanically abused as a child, and every now and again he’ll pose as different people to get to meet Jennifer Garner, or send her mounds of weird love letters, or just turn up at her house unannounced – but Jennifer Garner has been dealing with him in completely the wrong way.
Look at it this way – what are the two main things that Jennifer Garner is famous for? That’s right – marrying Ben Affleck and letting Gary Busey lick her neck. And what does that tell any potential stalkers about Jennifer Garner? That a) she’s sexually attracted to idiots and b) she likes it when strangers lick her neck. Honestly, she may as well spray herself with catnip and paint ‘STALK ME NOW’ on her tits.
Which, actually, she doesn’t have to do. You see, Jennifer Garner already has Steven Burkey and – since he has visions of Jennifer being beaten to death for her religious beliefs, along with other visions involving witchcraft, human sacrifices and dark conspiracies – he’s probably filling her crazy quota quite nicely.
He’s certainly filling her ‘petrified that one day she’ll be murdered by a crazed stalker’ quota, if the court order that Jennifer Garner has just taken out against Burky is anything to go by. In her court papers, Jennifer Garner wrote:
“Mr. Burky’s repeated efforts to contact me, his delusional and paranoid letters, his appearance at my private residence, and his recent claims that I will be ‘persecuted’ in a manner that may result in my death are all extremely frightening. I now fear not only for my own personal safety, but also for the safety and well being of those I love and care most about, including my husband and my daughter. Also, I am currently pregnant and fear for the safety of my second child once born.”
Thanks to the court order, Steven Burky isn’t allowed within 100 yards of Jennifer Garner. Not that he’d be able to do that at the moment, of course – he’s too busy being being locked up in a psychiatric hospital – but it will definitely ease Jennifer Garner’s mind.
After all, everyone knows that if there’s one thing that infatuated mental patients cursed with nightmarish Old Testament-style visions of apocalyptic death respect, it’s court-ordered restraining boundaries. Everyone wins.