Posts tagged as:

Stalker

Paula Abdul’s Number One Fan Turns Up Dead

by Stuart Heritage

An American Idol contestant infatuated with Paula Abdul enough to paint huge pictures of her has been found dead near Abdul’s home.

The body of Paula Goodspeed was discovered yesterday near Paula Abdul’s mansion in a car with a Paula Abdul-referencing license plate, next to pictures and CDs of Paula Abdul. It’s thought that Paula Goodspeed overdosed on prescription drugs, following a less successful suicide attempt near Abdul’s home earlier this year.

It’s sad news, and Goodspeed’s death might even make reality producers question their vetting process or treatment of contestants. Maybe they could just let Randy Jackson judge the next season of American Idol alone. After all, nobody can like him that much, can they?

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Jamie Lynn Spears Gets A ‘Stalky’ Paparazzo Arrested

by Stuart Heritage

Poor old Jamie Lynn Spears – ever since Miley Cyrus decided to show some of her back off to the world, people just aren’t as interested in pregnant teenagers.

That might just be for the best though, because as soon as anyone does show the slightest bit on interest in Jamie Lynn Spears, she flips out and gets them arrested for stalking her, which is what happened to photographer Edwin Merrino a couple of days ago.

Merrino denies the charges, but then again who can blame Jamie Lynn Spears for protecting her unborn child so fiercely? If she starts letting strangers get to close to it, then the baby might hear their voice and start to prenatally learn words and concepts that Jamie Lynn Spears herself doesn’t understand. Have you ever become the slave of a malevolent super-intelligent unborn baby dictator? It isn’t very bloody nice, trust us.

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No Jail For Uma Thurman’s Adorably Kooky Stalker

by Stuart Heritage

Let this be a lesson to you all – you don’t relentlessly stalk Uma Thurman with a series of disturbing gifts and nightmarish doodles and get away with it.

Unless you mean that you’ll go to jail if you stalk Uma Thurman, because if that’s the case then yes, you probably will get away with it – just like Jack Jordan, the man recently found guilty of being Uma Thurman’s crazy stalker. Rather than jail, Jack Jordan has been given three years probation and some outpatient psychiatric treatment.

In addition to this, Jack Jordan has been banned from any contact with Uma Thurman for five years. Which means that the unveiling of his masterwork Man Falling Off Giant Razorblade Into Grave Dug By Giggling Bride Uma Thurman (Oil On Canvas) has been pushed back to 2013, a bitter blow to lovers of creepy deranged art everywhere.

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Guess What? Uma Thurman’s Stalker Is Actually A Stalker

by Stuart Heritage

Some shocking news – that bloke who kept sending Uma Thurman creepy love letters and visiting her all the time? Turns out he’s a stalker.

That was the decision reached by the jury in a New York court yesterday, anyway, where Uma Thurman’s stalker Jack Jordan was found guilty of stalking and harassing Thurman and immediately jailed pending his sentencing next month.

But who’s the real criminal here? Is it the man who systematically terrorised Uma Thurman by sending her pictures of headless brides and telling her that her children don’t actually exist, or is it society?

What? The first one? Yeah, that probably makes sense, actually.

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Uma Thurman Describes All The Nutty Crap Her Stalker Sent

by Stuart Heritage

Nobody really knows what women want, but we know what Uma Thurman doesn’t want – creepy pictures of headless brides sent to her.

And that’s kind of a shame, because that’s precisely the thing that Uma Thurman’s crazed stalker misunderstood fan crazed stalker Jack Jordan happened to send her.

Uma Thurman finally got her chance to testify in her court case against alleged stalker Jack Jordan yesterday, and took the chance to list all of the disturbing stuff that he’d sent her in the past. And most could agree thatUma Thurman gave a good performance on the stand. OK, a decent performance. Nobody walked out during it, at least. So, you know, it did better than Paycheck.

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Uma Thurman’s Folks All Weirded Out By Her Mental Stalker

by Stuart Heritage

You know when you tell a girl that you love her and if she doesn’t love you back you’ll kill yourself? Yeah, apparently not such a great tactic.

Maybe that’s where we’ve been going wrong all these years. And not just us, either – Uma Thurman’s alleged stalker Jack Jordan has fallen foul of this weird quirk of female nature as well. In court yesterday, Uma Thurman’s mother described a phone call with Jordan where he said he’d kill himself if he and her daughter weren’t predestined to be together.

And, surprisingly enough, this didn’t end in Uma Thurman leaping into Jack Jordan’s arms and yelling “Oh kiss me, you great big psychologically-deranged schnookie-noogs!” Women, huh? Can’t live with them, can’t disturb them to the point of shrieking hysteria.

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Uma Thurman’s Stalker Really Creepy, Just Not Illegally So

by Stuart Heritage

Jack Jordan, you’ve let us down. All that time you were stalking Uma Thurman in a number of imaginatively creepy ways, we thought you were being illegal.

And now your lawyer is saying that you weren’t being illegal in an effort to keep you out of jail? That is very disappointing, Jack Jordan. Very disappointing indeed.

But on the plus side, if jack Jordan is acquitted of his Uma Thurman stalking charges, it basically means that we’re all legally free to send the object of our obsession terrifying hand-drawn pictures of ourselves walking along arazorblade while they eeirly dig our graves. Good lord, Martine McCutcheon had better hope that Jack Jordan is found guilty.

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Debbie Gibson Stalker Gets Lost In Her Restraining Order

by Shawn Lindseth

Hello, and welcome to another hecklerspray. What’s that? Sorry, but we couldn’t quite hear you.

It’s probably because we’re blasting Electric Youth, track 7 of Debbie Gibson’s critically acclaimed second album, also entitled Electric Youth. We realise most people might think it’s entirely too loud, but loud is the only way to listen to such an incredible talent.

Allow us, if you will, to reach past our 8.5×11 full-colour glossy autographed copy of a Debbie Gibson 2003 head shot, past our recently acquired eBay-sandwich bag full of Debbie Gibson hair and soap scrapings, and past the finely stitched velveteen pillow delicately covered in rose petals and lip-shaped chap stick smudges, to turn down the volume. That’s for Debbie. The pillow is for Debbie.

What’s that? You didn’t know any of us Deb-heads still existed? You may be surprised to know, then, that there are enough of us to almost literally fill the convention room of the Renaissance Inn down in Oklahoma City. One such fan even stalked her recently – followed her all the way to her hotel room. She did not appreciate this at all.

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Conan O’Brien’s Stalky Clergyman Dodges Jail

by Stuart Heritage

We don’t know for sure, but we’d imagine that Jesus was a very tall man with abnormally ginger hair and a slight blueish tint to his skin.

Because we’ve looked at it from every angle, and the only explanation we can find for Conan O’Brien getting stalked by a Catholic priest is that the priest figured he was the actual son of God, which must also mean that The Masturbating Bear is John The Apostle or something, but we haven’t really thought it through that far.

Anyway, the important news is that Conan O’Brien’s stalky priest, the Rev. David Ajemian, won’t be going to jail. He has, however, been ordered to stay away from Conan O’Brien for two years, meaning that Conan’s set for quite the hefty backlog of angry threatening letters written in blood come April 2010.

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John Cusack’s Stalker Back Doing What She Does Best

by Stuart Heritage

If you ever want to spook out John Cusack, why not write a love letter, sign it ‘Emily Leatherman’, pop it in a bag of screwdrivers and throw it at him?

Because that’s what John Cusack’s stalker did, and she was hit with a 500ft restraining order for her troubles. Not that she stuck to it, though – Emily Leatherman was arrested again on Sunday for getting too close to John Cusack’s home.

Honestly Emily Leatherman has to be John Cusack’s number one fan to get herself in so much trouble just to meet him. In fact, we’d wager that Emily Leatherman loves John Cusack so much that she’s watched Serendipity more times than anyone else on Earth. So twice, then.

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