Because we’ve looked at it from every angle, and the only explanation we can find for Conan O’Brien getting stalked by a Catholic priest is that the priest figured he was the actual son of God, which must also mean that The Masturbating Bear is John The Apostle or something, but we haven’t really thought it through that far.
Anyway, the important news is that Conan O’Brien’s stalky priest, the Rev. David Ajemian, won’t be going to jail. He has, however, been ordered to stay away from Conan O’Brien for two years, meaning that Conan’s set for quite the hefty backlog of angry threatening letters written in blood come April 2010.
Although Britney has her dildo-senders and Jodie has her airport-exploders, it’s the late-night talk show hosts who often cop the weirdest followers. David Letterman, for example, had that woman who thought his eyebrows were giving her instructions, while Jay Leno… no, actually nobody is so mentally unwell that they like Jay Leno enough to stalk him.
But it’s Conan O’Brien who really wins the battle of the freakish late night host-stalkers, because his most notorious stalker is an actual Catholic priest. The Rev. David Ajemian was arrested for Conan-stalking in November, after writing him various letters stuffed with so many hamfisted church references that you could have quite easily mistaken him for a comic book villain called Father McCrazybastard. Letters like:
“I’m told by some of those officious little usher people that you’re overbooked. Is this the way you treat your most dangerous fans? You owe me big-time pal. I want a public confession before I ever consider giving you absolution—or [I want] a spot on your couch.”
Thanks to this reign of near-Schwarzeneggerian threat-punning, Ajemian faced a three-month spell in jail. But yesterday it became clear that he was only going to be let off with a slap on the wrist, as the New York Daily News reports:
The Rev. David Ajemian, 48, pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct after prosecutors withdrew more serious charges of aggravated harassment and stalking, punishable by up to 90 days in jail… He was ordered to stay away from the comedian for two years. “I regret my behavior that caused concern to the people that I was trying to contact,” Ajemian said outside Manhattan Criminal Court. “I recognize that what I did was disorderly.”
Fortunately, in two years when David Ajemian is allowed to start stalking Conan O’Brien again – that is how it works, right? – Conan will be far away in Los Angeles presenting what’s now Jay Leno’s show. And there he’ll be safe from crazy stalky priests because, as we all know, Los Angeles is a putrid Godless cesspool.
Lucky escape Conan.