Kirsten Dunst used to bump uglies with Johnny Borrell, so she knows a thing or two about unbearably dirty-looking nobsacks.
And what’s Unbearably Dirty-Looking Nobsack Lesson One? That you don’t let them near you. That’s why Kirsten Dunst has just got restraining order against Christopher Smith, a man who was allegedly caught trespassing on her property.
Now everyone’s happy. Kirsten Dunst no longer has to live in fear, and Christopher Smith can just start stalking things that remind him of Kirsten Dunst, like a drunk horse that’s fallen face-first down a giant flight of concrete stairs or something.
Whisper it, but it looks like the fun’s gone out of stalking lately. Sure, once stalkers could get their kicks by sending packets of dildos to Britney Spears or hurling bags of screwdrivers onto John Cusack’s lawn, but the whole stalking game became a little bit more depressing after that American Idol contestant killed herself outside Paula Abdul‘s house.
Now the stalkers sort of seem like their hearts aren’t in it any more. Just look at Christopher Smith. He was arrested last month because he apparently showed up at Kirsten Dunst’s house and claimed that he had a ‘spiritual connection’ with her. That’s it. He didn’t threaten to blow up an airport in her name. He didn’t draw any pictures of Kirsten Dunst digging his grave in a wedding dress and giggling. He just said that he had a spiritual connection with her.
That’s not so unusual. We’ve got a spiritual connection with Kirsten Dunst, too – Kirsten Dunst says she wants to give up acting, which is actually something we’ve heavily lobbied for since the release of Marie Antoinette. See? That’s about as spiritually-connected as it gets.
Anyway, spooked by Smith showing up at her house and being weird, Kirsten Dunst has taken out a restraining order out against him, as E! Online reports:
A Los Angeles judge has granted a permanent protective order against the man who paid an unannounced visit to Dunst’s Hollywood home professing a “spiritual connection” with her. Superior Court Judge Richard E. Rico prohibited?Christopher Smith, 25, from coming anywhere near the actress, her personal assistant, her residences and her places of business. The L.A. native is also barred from owning or possessing a gun.
What? Smith’s been banned from owning a gun? That seems a mite unfair – by all means go ahead and ban him from going anywhere near Kirsten Dunst, but if you take away his gun, you’re stripping him of his ability to partake in perfectly normal Kirsten Dunst fan activities, like buying 100 copies of Spider-Man 3 on DVD, piling them up outside and unloading round after round into them while screaming “YOU BITCH! I’LL KILL YOU, YOU BITCH!” and that’s a stalker’s bread and butter.
Actually, speaking of Spider-Man 3, we’re pretty sure that that’s the reason Smith allegedly became so infatuated with Kirsten Dunst – there can’t be a man alive who didn’t see that scene of her making an omelette with James Franco and dancing the Twist in a painfully self-conscious way and thought “That’s the woman I want to be with!” Right? Right? No? Just Christopher Smith? Oh. Actually that might explain a lot.
But anyway, Kirsten Dunst’s stalkee days are probably at an end now, if reports of her being written out of Spider-Man 4 and 5 hold any water. Sure, there’s a chance that she might get the odd unwanted drop of attention from people who liked her in How To Lose Friends And Alienate People, but they’re all probably the sort of weirdos who display their love by hiding in a bush with a sniper rifle trained constantly at your head, so that’s nothing to worry about.
Zhatan says
LoL
/clap
Please she needs a restraining order from us, we will never forgive Spiderman “acting”.
Mister Hate says
This article shows that “journalism” has fallen to an all-time low. I’m sure that someone somewhere finds this article funny so that makes one fan for the author. I’d call that about even. Blah.
Get a new job! says
I agree with Mister hate, you have no idea what manners are, nor how to write. Leave making fun of people to Saturday Night Live. They do a way better job, and are not so hateful. If someone told me they had a spiritual connection with me, I’d do the same thing. That is just weird. But then again, maybe you are one of those hair doll people… She should probably get one against you too.
Jet says
What do you have against Marie Antoinette?!?
Anyways, it must be a tad depressing to actually hate EVERYONE.
Marc C says
As usual, yet another nobody pseudo journalist trying to break into the biz and failing miserably. Shouldn’t you be at your manufacturing job Stuart?
CuriousGeorge says
I think that the Author of this article is WAY out of line. First of all, Kirsten is actually quite beautiful and secondly, her acting may not be the greatest, but I think she does a good job and is trying. I am sure she is a nice person which is more than I can say for you. Lets see what you look like eh? People in glass houses maybe should not throw stones??
Kelliegh says
Wow. A drunk horse falling down a flight of stairs in to concrete? I mean, if you want to critique Marie Antoinette fine. But personal attacks about her physical appearance? Did she show up at your house and wake you up out of a deep slumber? Kill your dog? Really? What did she do to deserve this cruelty? Take my suggestion for what it’s worth to you, go seek some thearapy for this repressed anger you have. Honestly, truly and honestly-I have some fear for wether or not you may take your own life. I refuse to believe that this crying out for attention, shock value journalism is not just “your style of writing.” Well, what do I know. I admit. I have not read any of your work but these two articles on Kirsten Dunst. So perhaps, this is just the way you write. But if it is the way you write, there is obviously something to that. And it’s not healthy. There is hope. Just know that. Whatever you are going through, you can seek help and some day find true peace within yourself. SINCERELY,Good luck.
star gazer says
I think that it is sad that this girl feared a man enough to feel that she needed to take out a restraining order. It’s bizarre that a man would behave in that fashion in the first place. And if she were your sister, wife, girlfriend you would not be chastising her for her actions. As far as I can tell you just don’t like her movies, which is really no crime, just don’t watch them. She has done nothing to you personally, yet you attack. I don’t think that you will get very far with this “style”. Better to put things in a good light. You will feel better, and the people who are reading what you author with feel better too.
Be nice, it’s contagious.
1st noel says
Wow, stalking is such a hysterical topic and to take a tongue in cheek approach shows just how much wit you’re full of…or something like that. Obviously you’re NOT a celebrity or this would not be funny in the least. What is funny is that anyone would publish this drivel. Is there nobody screening this crap? Maybe I can get my dog to walk across my keyboard, there has to be an article in there somewhere. What’s the matter Stuart, did you send for Kirsten’s autograph and never get it?
tsdfitz says
A restraining order can ruin some lives, If he is military or in anything related to law enforcement he just lost his job, got discharged or whatever.
Also he can’t ever get a security clearance or pass most background checks for even rudimentary jobs.
What he did was dumb but he doesn’t deserve a lifelong black mark.
cocheselives says
Whoever wrote this article is lame. All the jokes are about as funny as one of george bush’s. I hate this article whoever wrote it needs to be choked.
Stabby McGee says
This is some comedy gold right here. We ought to start an ‘outraged commenter bingo’ for situations such as this.
Chalk up another guaranteed web traffic celeb on the board, I reckon.