Celebrity Stalking? is an art – one few have perfected.
We did though – don’t believe us? Then how do you explain us living in Dom DeLuise‘s pantry for almost a month. Our trick was to dress as something that wasn’t food. It doesn’t really matter what – that’s the only stuff that used to make it back there. Around week three we found ourselves having surprisingly deep discussions with a broom. Go ahead – mock.
That broom was the truest of friends.
We’re an excellent stalker. The lady recently caught peeping through Britney Spears windows, on the other hand, is a sucky one.
When Paula Abdul’s stalker showed up dead in a trash can covered in nuts, gummi bears, and the entrails of what most thought was an otter (we’re fuzzy on the details), everyone was like ‘Wha….?!”
When Jamie Foxx’s stalker tried to get into the actor’s hotel room only to rub bums and exchange stomach hickeys (We’re fuzzy on the details again), the world said “Wha….?!” again, except louder. Figuratively louder, not actually louder. Because a hotel trespasser can’t really be more shocking that a dead girl covered in otter parts, right?
Britney’s stalker tops it though – she actually hollowed out the rear-half of a goat to make pants she could wear while trotting onto Spears’ property and whimsically playing a pan flute. This might sound odd at first – until you understand that for almost 15 minutes Wikipedia page recently said she was really in to Zamfir and mystical half-goat people from either Greek or Norse mythology.
The truth isn’t that interesting, actually. According to E! Online:
“A camouflage-clad woman was arrested for trespassing Thursday morning after allegedly sneaking into Britney Spears’ gated community and peeking through the windows of the singer’s Calabasas, Calif., home, E! News has confirmed. According to the Malibu/Lost Hills Station, an L.A. County Sheriff’s deputy arrested 26-year-old Miranda Tozier-Robbins on suspicion of trespassing and disorderly conduct after security guards spied her peeping into Spears’ abode.”
Tozier-Robbins really is a piss poor stalker though. Think about it – if the star’s not even home than you have absolutely no chance of said star seeing you from a distance and knowing concretely once and for all that you are the very person they want to spend their life with. Isn’t that the whole point of stalking anyway?
In a stalker’s perfect world that might be the case. In the real world, however, your more likely to be placed inside a huge microwave by a sleep-walking Dom DeLuise who won’t wake up even though you pound on the stupid door every time you spin past it.
That’s reality folks. That’s the stalking reality.