Lunging at Lindsay Lohan is a galactically moronic thing to do – it’s like drinking sewage or belly-flopping into dirty syringe skip.
So, when anybody does lunge at Lindsay Lohan, it’s best to arrest them on suspicion of being weird. And that’s what happened to Daniel Combs after he allegedly flung himself at Lindsay Lohan outside an Arizona nightclub yesterday.
A man excited to be around Lindsay Lohan? That doesn’t sound right. Our theory is that Combs was just trying to give Lindsay some underwear, which explains his cries of “For the love of God, cover it up! My eyes! They burn! THEY BURN!”
2008 is almost through, and we’re almost completely certain that the overriding memory that people will take from it is that Lindsay Lohan’s Year Of Sex was an unmitigated failure. Sure, it started off well enough – with Lindsay Lohan colonising small European islands using only her tongue – but after that? Deathly silence.
There was a glimmer of excitement when Lindsay Lohan decided to hook up with a girl, but that faded away when everyone realised the girl in question looks like a joyless semi-retired investment banker from Wiltshire named Gerald, and that her only intention was to glumly follow Lindsay Lohan around with a face that suggested she was contractually obliged to do so.
So Lindsay Lohan’s Year Of Political Failure? Maybe. Lindsay Lohan’s Year Of Not Even Being Famous Enough For Ugly Betty Any More? Definitely. But Lindsay Lohan’s Year Of Sex? No chance.
In fact, Lindsay Lohan’s Year Of Sex has now become so moribund that random strangers are now doing everything they can to give it a last-minute second wind. And by ‘random strangers’ we mean ‘alleged Lindsay Lohan stalker Daniel Combs’. And by ‘give it a last-minute second wind’ we mean ‘lunge at Lindsay outside a nightclub until he gets arrested.’ Because that’s basically what happened, as E! Online reports:
A man accused of stalking the actress was busted in Scottsdale, Ariz., early this morning, after making an aggressive play for Lohan’s attention as she exited a local nightclub.”The gentleman became very excited when he realized he was so close to Samantha, and he has a history of being a stalker with Lindsay Lohan, so he immediately attacked her and started yelling ‘I love her, I love her,'” said the club’s owner, Dan Wiecrk.
What gets us here isn’t the borderline-unbelievable notion that Lindsay Lohan still has fans, let alone fans who care about her enough to apparently try and attack her, but that this Daniel Combs character knew how to find Lindsay Lohan so easily. Because, come on, outside a nightclub at 1:30am? That’s only where Lindsay Lohan is 98% of the time. She could have been anywhere else for the remaining two percent, like inside a nightclub or… actually, no. Inside a nightclub. That’s it.
So, yes, Lindsay Lohan’s life may have possibly been put in a tiny amount of danger by this wayward fan accosting her in such a terrifying way, but we’re pretty sure that Lindsay won’t pursue charges against him. After all, we get the impression that if he goes to jail, Lindsay Lohan’s forthcoming comedy Labor Pains will be the first film in history never to be watched all the way through by a single human being.