Lindsay Lohan, you see, was in Capri recently for a film festival – something that she celebrated by snogging the arse off almost all of the island's men. Well, three of them at least – if accounts are to be believed, Lindsay Lohan managed to smooch waiter Alessandro Di Nunzio and actors Dario Faiella and Eduardo Costa all within the space of 24 hours. So it seems that Lindsay Lohan's type is Italian men from Capri. Well, Italian men. Well, men. Well, humans. Well, any living creature of any kind, really. Or objects. Any living creature or any inanimate object. We hope that's narrowed it down a little.
Lindsay Lohan is a woman who enjoys dividing her years up into themes. For example, to pick two years at random, Lindsay Lohan's 2007 was the year of cocaine, booze, rehab and arrests while 2005 was the year of wacky family movies about magical cars.
And, by the looks of it, 2008 is going to be Lindsay Lohan's Year Of Sex. The boyfriend that Lindsay Lohan picked up in rehab recently claimed that she's replaced her addiction to drugs and alcohol with an addiction to sex, and that she's made an unspoken pact with herself that, come December 2008, there won't be an inch of anything on the whole planet not covered in the sluglike goo trail from Lindsay Lohan's worn-out vagina.
Judging by her exploits at the weekend, it seems as if Lindsay Lohan's Year Of Sex started in Capri. On the island with Hayden Panettiere to attend a film festival – the annual Capri Straight To DVD Gala, perhaps, or the Festival Of Shit Films About Amnesiac Strippers – Lindsay Lohan made it her duty to smash through as many of the men who strayed into her path as possible. The Sun reports:
The Mean Girls actress, 21, was first snapped smooching with waiter Alessandro Di Nunzio shortly after arriving in the Italian island of Capri for a film festival. But just a few hours later she was locking lips with a new Italian stallion – handsome actor Eduardo Costa. Lusty Lindsay then rounded off her naughty weekend by kissing another local thespian – long-haired actor Dario Faiella, the son of Italian music legend Peppino Di Capri.
Judging by the speed that Lindsay Lohan batted through those three men – and the length of time left in 2008 – it's a statistical certainty that someone reading this is going to become a victim of Lindsay Lohan's Year Of Sex. Now, it's important to remember that Lindsay Lohan is promiscuous by profession, and you're probably just an enthusiastic amateur at best, so if you even happen to blunder into Lindsay Lohan's eyeline, chances are it's already too late for you. Just remember to always pack some protection and you'll be fine.
No, not condoms, you idiot. We mean cyanide capsules hidden in your false teeth. It won't stop her, but at you won't be able to feel anything.