Think what you will, but you all know deep down that the upcoming presidential election will be won and lost on the say-so of one person – Lindsay Lohan.

You might not realise it, but it’s true. Look at Lindsay Lohan – she definitely thinks so. Earlier this week Lindsay was blogging her little freckles off about mean old Sarah Palin, and now she’s decided to host a number of events for her candidate of choice, Barack Obama.

Trouble is, Barack Obama would rather dip his balls in acid than let Lindsay Lohan even begin to help him out, and his people have turned all of her offers down. But don’t worry, because Lindsay Lohan has put the snub behind her and moved onto bigger and better things. Well, maybe not bigger. And better’s a slight exaggeration. But things. Definitely things.

Staring into the middle distance and cultivating a staggering lack of self-awareness still counts as a thing, doesn’t it? Good.

Hey everyone, remember Barack Obama? He was the man who was going to be president once. We don’t really know what happened to him, though. He sort of disappeared from view at the exact same time that Sarah Palin popped up and captured everyone’s heart with her adorable pregnant teenage daughter and equally adorable crackpot Creationist viewpoint.

Well, news has reached us that Barack Obama is still running for president. It’s just that everyone’s been too sidetracked trying to pay attention to what Meg Ryan and Pamela Anderson think of Sarah Palin to notice.

Not that Barack Obama should worry, though, because he’s still got one dyed-in-the-wool superfan left. It’s just a shame that that fan is Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan has really been swept up by this whole election thing – one minute she’s writing semi-coherent outpourings about Sarah Palin on her blog and the next she’s considering going naked for Playboy which technically hasn’t got anything to do with the election but we just thought we’d mention it anyway – and she wants to do all she can to help make Barack Obama the next president of America.

Now, realistically the best thing that Lindsay Lohan could do to help Barack Obama do anything is go outside, dig a big hole in the garden, climb into the hole and stay there in silence until the middle of November, but that’s not really Lindsay Lohan’s style.

Instead, Lindsay offered to hold several events for Barack Obama. And, in response, Barack Obama sort of puffed out his cheeks and refused to make eye contact until Lindsay shuffled away. Fox reports:

The trouble-prone actress offered to host a series of events aimed at younger voters, but the Democratic presidential candidate’s camp wasn’t interested… Lohan ”is not exactly the kind of high-profile star who would be a positive for us,” a top source on the Obama team told the paper.

Of course, Barack Obama is completely right here. The moment he lets Lindsay Lohan go out and rally for him, he’s in her pocket. Next thing you know president Obama will keep having to deal with Lindsay Lohan ringing him up and asking him why he, like, doesn’t make the paparazzi illegal because she was totally just in Starbucks and this guy came up to her and was all like “Let me take your photo” all up in her face and shit and it made her sad.

It’s just a shame that Barack Obama had to turn Lindsay Lohan down, though. With a bit more foresight he could have seen all the potential locked up inside her. After all, she knows nothing about politics but can happily bang on about it for hours, she’s pretty but not as pretty as she seems to think she is, she’s slowly becoming more and more of a global joke and nobody in their right mind would ever take anything she says even slightly seriously.

Forget letting her run events, Barack Obama should have named Lindsay Lohan as his vice president. It’s done wonders for the other guy.