Articles tagged with: Pete Doherty
It's great that Amy Winehouse has split up with Blake Fielder-Civil - free of her violent drug-addicted convict husband, she can finally move on. Specifically Amy Winehouse can move onto Pete Doherty - who's a little bit violent, recovering from drug addiction and an ex-convict. Her parents must be so thrilled. But don't worry about a sexual union between Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty, even though any offspring they'd have would probably look quite a lot like the mangled insect/Labrador thing from The Fly 2. Instead, Pete Doherty has expressed his desire to release a duet with Amy Winehouse. Which is worse, obviously, because at least they could lock their deformed babies in an attic or something.
Pete Doherty's prison adventure has been cut dramatically short - not by a horrific stabbing injury as some had hoped, but by early release. Released less than a month into his 14-week jail sentence, Pete Doherty is now a free man once again, much like Ronnie Barker from Going Straight except a bit less funny and/or dead. Still, even 29 days in jail is long enough for someone to become institutionalised, which means in the next few days you might see pictures of Pete Doherty stumbling around looking a bit confused and unwashed. Don't worry if you do - it means he's completely back to normal. Thanks folks, we're here all week.
Aside from getting rubbish tattoos and befriending injured birds to act as symbolic allusions to your lost freedom, there's not actually a lot to do in prison. So it's weird that, since Pete Doherty went to prison a couple of weeks ago, we've heard far more about him than when he was a free man. Namely, we've heard an awful lot about how Pete Doherty has somehow managed to track down a load of heroin in prison and stick it all up his bum, or whatever it is you're supposed to do with heroin. But it turns out that these heroin stories were all giant lies, because Pete Doherty is completely free of drugs. We know this because Pete Doherty said so himself in a barely-legible note to a woman we've never heard of. And, as we've always said, you can put scrawled notes by convicted drug addicts in the bank.
Oh christ, here we go again. Before he was jailed, we thought that Pete Doherty had kicked the drugs. His ballooning weight suggested that he'd either got his appetite back or he'd found a brand-new drug that was mostly made of congealed chip fat. Either way, Pete Doherty was off the drugs and it was a relief. Except he wasn't - according to reports, Pete Doherty is back taking all the heroin he can get his hands on in prison. That's a report that comes from a prisoner, so it must be true, because everyone knows that prisoners are the nicest, most honest group of people in the world.
When shambling oxygen-thief Pete Doherty was recently thrown into prison for the grand total of 14 weeks, hecklerspray felt a murmur within our hearts - a rare glimmer of optimism, if you like. With P-Doh locked away, we reasoned, surely this would see a brief end to his staggeringly bad musical output? Hell: at least it'd be a long enough hiatus to ensure his fans became obsessed with something more entertaining - like watching a puppy slowly suffocate or listening to the mechanical vibrations of the Phillips X300 Bathroom Extractor Fan (man, when that third whirr cycle kicks in, it's just awesome). Alas, it was not to be. In a statement that has devastated the ear-owning community, Doherty has decided that prison life won't stop him churning out his sixth-form garbage. Mind you, seeing as prisons are essentially rife with drug abuse, violent assault and general hopelessness and despair, a couple of new Babyshambles tracks might make the ideal soundtrack.
After years of waiting, the entire world sighed with relief. Everyone’s favourite drug-gobbling indie bod Pete Doherty finally got sent down.
Pete has been up locked in solitary confinement, but it’s only for 14 weeks. However, there are some benefits to this. The London police force will have 48 less Pete Doherty drug arrests to make and we won’t have to write any stories about him for a while.
Well that’s a bit of a lie. Pete Doherty hasn’t been released ridiculously early from prison. Yet. And we’re still writing stories on him. Not because we care about his prison plight, but purely because the Free Pete Doherty! Facebook group is up and running, and aiming to release the stupid twat. And stopping us from writing stories on important things. Like Lindsay Lohan’s career falling to bits.
The widely-held truths about Pete Doherty are that his face looks like it's made out of pastry, his fans wildly overreact to everything and that he never goes to jail.
However, that's a list which will have to be revised now, because Pete Doherty has just started a 14-week jail sentence for breaching his probation with bad timekeeping, missed appointments and the continued use of various drugs. And thanks to this prison sentence, Pete Doherty has had to cancel an upcoming concert at the Albert Hall.
Wait a minute, Pete Doherty takes drugs? Crikey, that's news to us. They'll be telling us that Amy Winehouse smokes crack next.
When we saw the words 'Pete Doherty obsessed, we were genuinely baffled in to wondering what new drug he was addicted to.
In his not-so long life, the wonky singer has famously dabbled with a few drugs. Well, we say a few. We actually mean shitloads. From cannabis to heroin, he is a shining example of how to fuck your life up. Or how to become the perfect teenage idiot idol. But it looks like we're incorrect about Pete Doherty being hooked on more drugs. That's because his new obsession is - wait for it - Scientology!
