When the going gets tough, the tough get going, tough, tough, huh, huh, huh, and when the going gets tough, the tough gets ready yeah, ooooh, doo da doo da. Sorry, we got ourselves in to a bit of an old-fashioned sing-song there.

You see, when the going gets tough, everyone at hecklerspray unites as one to sing that Billy Ocean classic. Be it debt, demonic possession or running out of pens, we always do our best to help each other out. It seems that the celebrity world is no different. Apparently, these so-called famous people also have feelings like us mere mortals. And in another mind blowing piece of news, it seems that Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty weren’t wrecked out their faces to start the C.U.N.T campaign. To me and you, that means Celebrities United against Narcotic Treatment. And it’s all to do with freeing Amy Winehouse’s banged-up husband. 

Do you have a birthday party coming up? Or a work bash? Maybe you just want someone to honk and wail and scare that gang of kids away from your front drive.

If so, you're in luck - apparently Pete Doherty has started hiring himself out to private functions for £100 a pop.

We know, £100 sounds like a lot of money to pay for a wazzock in a tatty hat to aimlessly strum a guitar and mumbling like an emphysema sufferer's dying gasp, but if Pete Doherty performed at your child's birthday party, it'd be an event they'd remember forever. True, they'd mainly remember it as that birthday party where the frightening dirty scarecrow man who stunk like week-old piss turned up and made everyone cry, but you can't say that's not memorable.

Life's greatest mystery isn’t where the city of Atlantis is, why men have nipples or when the new Guns N’ Roses album is coming out. It’s actually trying to work out what women want and what exactly makes them tick.

From watching various films, television shows and listening to feminists waffle on we thought we knew the answer. To the best of our knowledge we assumed that women wanted to be swept off their feet, wined and dined at the finest restaurants that we can’t actually afford and being told their new haircut is gorgeous when it’s really a little bit wonky. So do all females want to be treated like a goddess? Apparently not - it turns out that some like their men a bit rough round the edges, or drugged up.

This can only explain why student Laura McLaughlin allegedly let Pete Doherty in to her love tunnel.  

Before you all reach for your pens and start scribbling uplifting heroin-influenced poems and sonnets on the side of your KFC family bucket, we must point out that Pete Doherty hasn’t joined forces with Colonel Sanders.

We are sad to say that as yet there's been no endorsement between fast food retailers and dirty-looking indie types. To anyone who automatically believes that KFC conjures up images of greasy chicken and workers who don’t know what they're doing, there is in fact another KFC out there.

KFC Uerdingen, to be precise, are a cash-strapped German lower league football club. But instead of asking the bank for help, they’ve decided that Pete Doherty would be more useful.

Though it can be argued that Spider-Man, Batman or the Sandman could have been a better choice. 

Anyone who teaches in a public school sixth-form might have noticed a look of worry in the eyes of some of their dimmer students recently.

Reports were rife, you see, that walking Hancock's Half Hour audition Pete Doherty was all set to abandon his band Babyshambles, leaving a couple of trilby-wearing Shoreditch chancers out of a job and legions of simpering twats looking for another piss-poor musical collective to bizarrely label as 'genius'.

Those aforementioned teachers will probably be noticing a new-found gleam in those peepers, however, as it transpires that the rumours were simply those: rumours. Babyshambles, as has now been confirmed by their needle-addled frontman, are not going to split up after all.

We asked and you responded - here come the long-awaited results of the hecklerspray UK Trainwreck Of The Year survey 2007.

Back in November we asked you to tell us which British celebrities had buggered their lives and reputations up more than anyone with either alcohol, booze, a scant regard for the law or just gigantic, all-encompassing stupidity, and you responded in your thousands. Thank you one and all. But who is the biggest UK Trainwreck Of The Year?

It's a prestigious title, that's for sure - similar in status to an Oscar or a sainthood - and the top ten Trainwrecks include Kate Moss, Jade Goody, Heather Mills, Pete Doherty, Charley From Big Brother, Joss Stone, Amy Winehouse, Victoria Beckham and Naomi Campbell - but in what order? Let's find out...

We don't know about you, but we're going to invest in a battered old trilby and something to poke our eyes with until they're bleary because we want a shot at Amy Winehouse too.

Amy Winehouse has moved out of her old Camden house and into a new flat to try and rid herself of all the troubling memories she's gained over the last few months. However, that might just be because she wants room for all kinds of new troubling memories, because Amy Winehouse has been befriended by none other than Pete Doherty. Rest easy, though - Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse are just platonic friends at the moment. And we'll know if it ever turns into a physical, sexual relationship because the sky will turn blood-red and a plague of vomiting locusts will descend on North London. Or something.