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Pete Doherty

Pete Doherty/Amy Winehouse Duet A Horrible Possibility

by Stuart Heritage

It’s great that Amy Winehouse has split up with Blake Fielder-Civil – free of her violent drug-addicted convict husband, she can finally move on.

Specifically Amy Winehouse can move onto Pete Doherty – who’s a little bit violent, recovering from drug addiction and an ex-convict. Her parents must be so thrilled.

But don’t worry about a sexual union between Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty, even though any offspring they’d have would probably look quite a lot like the mangled insect/Labrador thing from The Fly 2. Instead, Pete Doherty has expressed his desire to release a duet with Amy Winehouse. Which is worse, obviously, because at least they could lock their deformed babies in an attic or something.

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Pete Doherty Released From Jail 70 Days Early

by Stuart Heritage

Pete Doherty’s prison adventure has been cut dramatically short – not by a horrific stabbing injury as some had hoped, but by early release.

Released less than a month into his 14-week jail sentence, Pete Doherty is now a free man once again, much like Ronnie Barker from Going Straight except a bit less funny and/or dead.

Still, even 29 days in jail is long enough for someone to become institutionalised, which means in the next few days you might see pictures of Pete Doherty stumbling around looking a bit confused and unwashed. Don’t worry if you do – it means he’s completely back to normal. Thanks folks, we’re here all week.

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Pete Doherty’s Not Back On Heroin After All! Wheee!

by Stuart Heritage

Aside from getting rubbish tattoos and befriending injured birds to act as symbolic allusions to your lost freedom, there’s not actually a lot to do in prison.

So it’s weird that, since Pete Doherty went to prison a couple of weeks ago, we’ve heard far more about him than when he was a free man. Namely, we’ve heard an awful lot about how Pete Doherty has somehow managed to track down a load of heroin in prison and stick it all up his bum, or whatever it is you’re supposed to do with heroin.

But it turns out that these heroin stories were all giant lies, because Pete Doherty is completely free of drugs. We know this because Pete Doherty said so himself in a barely-legible note to a woman we’ve never heard of. And, as we’ve always said, you can put scrawled notes by convicted drug addicts in the bank.

Aside from getting rubbish tattoos and befriending injured birds to act as symbolic allusions to your lost freedom, there's not actually a lot to do in prison. So it's weird that, since Pete Doherty went to prison a couple of weeks ago, we've heard far more about him than when he was a free man. Namely, we've heard an awful lot about how Pete Doherty has somehow managed to track down a load of heroin in prison and stick it all up his bum, or whatever it is you're supposed to do with heroin. But it turns out that these heroin stories were all giant lies, because Pete Doherty is completely free of drugs. We know this because Pete Doherty said so himself in a barely-legible note to a woman we've never heard of. And, as we've always said, you can put scrawled notes by convicted drug addicts in the bank.
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Report: Pete Doherty’s On The Skag Again

by Stuart Heritage

Oh christ, here we go again.

Before he was jailed, we thought that Pete Doherty had kicked the drugs. His ballooning weight suggested that he’d either got his appetite back or he’d found a brand-new drug that was mostly made of congealed chip fat. Either way, Pete Doherty was off the drugs and it was a relief.

Except he wasn’t – according to reports, Pete Doherty is back taking all the heroin he can get his hands on in prison. That’s a report that comes from a prisoner, so it must be true, because everyone knows that prisoners are the nicest, most honest group of people in the world.

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Pete Doherty To Continue Making Awful Music In Prison

by C J Davies

http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/doherty%20to%20work%20on%20new%20album%20from%20jail_1065453

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Pete Doherty’s Minions Rally Round To Free Their Druggie Hero

by Matthew Laidlow

After years of waiting, the entire world sighed with relief. Everyone’s favourite drug-gobbling indie bod Pete Doherty finally got sent down.

Pete has been up locked in solitary confinement, but it’s only for 14 weeks. However, there are some benefits to this. The London police force will have 48 less Pete Doherty drug arrests to make and we won’t have to write any stories about him for a while.

Well that’s a bit of a lie. Pete Doherty hasn’t been released ridiculously early from prison. Yet. And we’re still writing stories on him. Not because we care about his prison plight, but purely because the Free Pete Doherty! Facebook group is up and running, and aiming to release the stupid twat. And stopping us from writing stories on important things. Like Lindsay Lohan’s career falling to bits.

After years of waiting, the entire world sighed with relief. Everyone’s favourite drug-gobbling indie bod Pete Doherty finally got sent down. Pete has been up locked in solitary confinement, but it’s only for 14 weeks. However, there are some benefits to this. The London police force will have 48 less Pete Doherty drug arrests to make and we won’t have to write any stories about him for a while. Well that’s a bit of a lie. Pete Doherty hasn’t been released ridiculously early from prison. Yet. And we’re still writing stories on him. Not because we care about his prison plight, but purely because the Free Pete Doherty! Facebook group is up and running, and aiming to release the stupid twat. And stopping us from writing stories on important things. Like Lindsay Lohan’s career falling to bits.
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Pete Doherty Finally Plods Off To Jail

by Stuart Heritage

The widely-held truths about Pete Doherty are that his face looks like it’s made out of pastry, his fans wildly overreact to everything and that he never goes to jail.

However, that’s a list which will have to be revised now, because Pete Doherty has just started a 14-week jail sentence for breaching his probation with bad timekeeping, missed appointments and the continued use of various drugs. And thanks to this prison sentence, Pete Doherty has had to cancel an upcoming concert at the Albert Hall.

Wait a minute, Pete Doherty takes drugs? Crikey, that’s news to us. They’ll be telling us that Amy Winehouse smokes crack next.

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Pete Doherty In Non-Drug Addiction Story Shocker!

by Matthew Laidlow

When we saw the words ‘Pete Doherty obsessed, we were genuinely baffled in to wondering what new drug he was addicted to.

In his not-so long life, the wonky singer has famously dabbled with a few drugs. Well, we say a few. We actually mean shitloads. From cannabis to heroin, he is a shining example of how to fuck your life up. Or how to become the perfect teenage idiot idol. But it looks like we’re incorrect about Pete Doherty being hooked on more drugs. That’s because his new obsession is – wait for it – Scientology!

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Crack Addicts Unite For Blake

by Matthew Laidlow

When the going gets tough, the tough get going, tough, tough, huh, huh, huh, and when the going gets tough, the tough gets ready yeah, ooooh, doo da doo da. Sorry, we got ourselves in to a bit of an old-fashioned sing-song there.

You see, when the going gets tough, everyone at hecklerspray unites as one to sing that Billy Ocean classic. Be it debt, demonic possession or running out of pens, we always do our best to help each other out. It seems that the celebrity world is no different. Apparently, these so-called famous people also have feelings like us mere mortals. And in another mind blowing piece of news, it seems that Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty weren’t wrecked out their faces to start the C.U.N.T campaign. To me and you, that means Celebrities United against Narcotic Treatment. And it’s all to do with freeing Amy Winehouse’s banged-up husband.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going, tough, tough, huh, huh, huh, and when the going gets tough, the tough gets ready yeah, ooooh, doo da doo da. Sorry, we got ourselves in to a bit of an old-fashioned sing-song there. You see, when the going gets tough, everyone at hecklerspray unites as one to sing that Billy Ocean classic. Be it debt, demonic possession or running out of pens, we always do our best to help each other out. It seems that the celebrity world is no different. Apparently, these so-called famous people also have feelings like us mere mortals. And in another mind blowing piece of news, it seems that Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty weren’t wrecked out their faces to start the C.U.N.T campaign. To me and you, that means Celebrities United against Narcotic Treatment. And it’s all to do with freeing Amy Winehouse’s banged-up husband.
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Pete Doherty Will Play Your Party For £100

by Stuart Heritage

Do you have a birthday party coming up? Or a work bash? Maybe you just want someone to honk and wail and scare that gang of kids away from your front drive.

If so, you’re in luck – apparently Pete Doherty has started hiring himself out to private functions for £100 a pop.

We know, £100 sounds like a lot of money to pay for a wazzock in a tatty hat to aimlessly strum a guitar and mumbling like an emphysema sufferer’s dying gasp, but if Pete Doherty performed at your child’s birthday party, it’d be an event they’d remember forever. True, they’d mainly remember it as that birthday party where the frightening dirty scarecrow man who stunk like week-old piss turned up and made everyone cry, but you can’t say that’s not memorable.

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