Who Stole all of Pete Doherty’s Money?

The Sun has reported that official NME hero and tortured genius significantly lacking in genius and overcompensating in torturing, Peter Doherty, is running out of money and is in the process of assembling “a crack team of crimebusters to sniff out where (it) has gone”.

First of all, who knew The Sun could be so bloody, bloody funny? Crack team! Sniff! Brilliant.

Daniel Kitson, Tony Law, Stewart Lee, John Hegley and Doug Stanhope combined couldn’t hope to come up with a single joke as original or brilliant.

And neither can we, so that’s why the rest of this article’s comedy will continue in a similar vein.

HA! Get it?! Vein! Drugs! Drugs go into veins and Pete Doherty likes drugs! In your face, Kitson!

So, where has all the money gone? Huh? Where? Where has it gone? Does anybody know?

We’re going to take a stab in the dark and suggest that perhaps maybe, just maybe, a little bit of it went here, a little bit there, and, perhaps most stupidly of all, quite a lot of it went on this.

We’re probably wrong though. Good luck crack team.

The same article claims that Babyshambles guitarist Mick Whitnall is planning to quit the band:

It says:

“(He) plans to quit the group for good because he has had enough of the travelling circus that surrounds Potty Pete. The axeman now intends to join AMY WINEHOUSE’s touring band.”

Good luck finding all your cash, Peter Doherty. We’ll toss you some pence next time we pass Tottenham Court Road tube station. If we have any left.