Blake Fielder-Civil, currently serving time in Pentonville prison, has allegedly offered another inmate £20,000 to beat up Pete Doherty, because he’s sure the singer is making love to his irresistibly impetigo wife, Amy Jade Winehouse Fielder-Civil.

Twenty grand Blake?! Don’t be so fucking stupid. Hecklerspray will quite happily kick his drug-addled brain out for £3.50. And this includes the taxi fare and a quick sandwich from Lidl.

The Sun reports:

“He approached ex- bouncer Richard Lyttle, on remand for murder but since released without charge.”

Richard, 39, said:

“We were sitting in my cell and he said, ‘If you get Doherty for me I’ll give you £20,000.’ He kept saying, ‘Can you arrange it?’ and telling me to get some guys to his house. He knew the address. He said, ‘Amy’s obviously sleeping with him’.”

You really think Doherty can muster a hard on, Fielder-Civil? Do you? .

Look, at the very most he may have stuck a couple of fingers up there, perhaps a few baby mice. That’s all, mate. That’s all.

In other Doherty-related news, the singer has had a plaster cast of his body on a crucifix made, due to appear on stage with him when he plays a solo gig at the Albert Hall next month.

According to Nick Reynolds, the artist responsible for this really great idea, it symbolises Doherty’s crucifixion at the hands of the media.

Very clever. Really, bravo. Clap, clap, clap. Well done!

It is really quite great because, as you probably already know, the lives of Peter Doherty and Jesus of Nazareth do have many parallels:

-Jesus’ mum was called Mary; Pete Doherty briefly attended Queen Mary University in London.

-Jesus liked to help people and cure illness; Doherty is a big fan of smoking crack.

-People worship both of them for completely unintelligible reasons.

Coincidence?