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judge

Judge Tells Kid Rock To Please Leave The Troops Alone

by Shawn Lindseth

As Kid Rock probably wrapped his mullet around an enemy’s neck for the purpose of strangulation that night in a Waffle House, well that must have felt pretty good.

This is all theoretical, of course, but we think the temporary surge of power must have been so invigorating he just wanted more. He wanted his strength tested. In his mind’s eye he probably saw himself physically beating up all kinds of things that would be awesome to beat up, like King Kong and a string of zombie popes.

And the US military. But a judge just ended that last dream forever.

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Sharon Stone Longs To Fill Young Son Lovingly With Botox To Cure His Stank Feet. We Heard.

by Shawn Lindseth

hecklerspray doesn’t have any kids, but if we did we’d demand DNA evidence and a court order to prove it. They ain’t ours, skank. Of course, once those things were obtained we’d dote on them, treating them each individually with great love and deep respect at least until age six, when their value in the [...]

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OJ Simpson Trial: The Jury’s Almost Picked

by Stuart Heritage

OK, hands up who thought that it’d take 400 years to pick the jury for the new OJ Simpson trial because the whole world obviously hates OJ Simpson.

Anyone? Just us? OK, well then we’re the wrong ones. In actual fact, the jury for OJ Simpson’s armed robbery and kidnap trial has almost been completely picked. What does that mean? Well, most importantly it means that the scene is set for us to plunge headlong into the nitty-gritty of the OJ Simpson trial itself next week.

Secondly it ostensibly means that there are a handful of people in Las Vegas who say they don’t care about OJ Simpson murder acquittal in 1995. But what it actually means is that there’s a handful of people who’ve either hidden their furious bitter hatred of OJ Simpson well enough to pass the jury selection process or are currently busy phoning publishers and scribbling down the first draft of their new book How I Banged OJ Simpson Up. Fun!

OK, hands up who thought that it'd take 400 years to pick the jury for the new OJ Simpson trial because the whole world obviously hates OJ Simpson. Anyone? Just us? OK, well then we're the wrong ones. In actual fact, the jury for OJ Simpson's armed robbery and kidnap trial has almost been completely picked. What does that mean? Well, most importantly it means that the scene is set for us to plunge headlong into the nitty-gritty of the OJ Simpson trial itself next week. Secondly it ostensibly means that there are a handful of people in Las Vegas who say they don't care about OJ Simpson murder acquittal in 1995. But what it actually means is that there's a handful of people who've either hidden their furious bitter hatred of OJ Simpson well enough to pass the jury selection process or are currently busy phoning publishers and scribbling down the first draft of their new book How I Banged OJ Simpson Up. Fun!
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Here’s Kara DioGuardi, The American Idol Judge You Don’t Care About

by Stuart Heritage

Adding a fourth American Idol judge is a bad idea – like adding a fourth wheel to a tricycle, or a fourth leg to the injured dog that walks around hospitals on wheels sometimes.

Not to stretch that metaphor, but it would be fine if the fourth dog leg was as famous as the other three dog legs, but it’s not – it’s a weirdly anonymous dog leg that you wouldn’t even recognise if someone hacked it off and waved it around by itself away from all the other dog legs. Understand? Good.

Anyway. Kara DioGuardi, the new fourth American Idol judge, has now been formally introduced to the public. We could have just said that instead of banging on about dog legs and saved everyone a lot of time and confusion, we suppose. Oh, will we ever learn?

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The New American Idol Judge Is, Um…

by Stuart Heritage

American Idol is such a television sensation that it can pretty much get any name going, like Prince and Gordon Brown and, um, Taylor Hicks.

So when the American Idol producers decided to shake up the holy trinity of Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul and hire a fourth judge, they aimed as high as they possibly could. So who did they pick? Michael Jackson? Madonna? The resuscitated zombie corpse of Elvis Presley? The T-Rex out of Jurassic Park? No. The American Idol producers picked Kara DioGuardi.

What? Don’t look at us, we never said we knew who she was.

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Gene Simmons Signs For The Worst TV Show Ever Made

by Stuart Heritage

As Gene Simmons’ old band Kiss once sang “I wanna rock and roll all night/ and judge creatively suspect reality TV shows every day!”

Prophetic lyrics indeed, because that’s now what Gene Simmons has found himself doing. But before we tell you exactly what creatively suspect reality TV show Gene Simmons has agreed to judge, we should warn you that it absolutely isn’t a joke – this show really is going to exist quite soon.

OK. Ready? Jingles. Advertising jingles. Gene Simmons from Kiss is going to judge a reality TV show about advertising jingles, where contestants have to write advertising jingles for various products and Gene Simmons judges the jingles and someone wins some cash. The show’s called Jingles, by the way, as opposed to its working title of What’s That In The Toilet? Oh, It’s Gene Simmons’ Career.

As Gene Simmons' old band Kiss once sang "I wanna rock and roll all night/ and judge creatively suspect reality TV shows every day!" Prophetic lyrics indeed, because that's now what Gene Simmons has found himself doing. But before we tell you exactly what creatively suspect reality TV show Gene Simmons has agreed to judge, we should warn you that it absolutely isn't a joke - this show really is going to exist quite soon. OK. Ready? Jingles. Advertising jingles. Gene Simmons from Kiss is going to judge a reality TV show about advertising jingles, where contestants have to write advertising jingles for various products and Gene Simmons judges the jingles and someone wins some cash. The show's called Jingles, by the way, as opposed to its working title of What's That In The Toilet? Oh, It's Gene Simmons' Career.
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Wesley Snipes’ Chums Try To Keep Him Out Of Jail

by Stuart Heritage

There’s a good chance that Wesley Snipes will be sent to jail for three years today – but not if the bald bloke from Cheers has any say-so.

In a final desperate bid to wriggle out of a jail sentence after being found guilty of tax fraud, Wesley Snipes has enlisted the help of two of his most famous friends – Denzel Washington and Woody Harrleson – to write character witness statements pleading with the judge to let Snipes keep his freedom.

It might just work – the naturally-authoritative Washington appeals to the judge’s sense of leniency by referring to Snipes in his letter as ‘a mighty oak’. Harrelson, meanwhile, has just drawn a big picture of a happy cat in wax crayon on his, and then written ‘I like kitons’ underneath it. Might help.

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Heather Mills Gets To Judge Beauty Contests

by Stuart Heritage

Heather Mills looks for three things in a man – 1) considerable age, 2) incredible wealth and 3) a haircut so bad that it makes children cry.

With this in mind, you’d expect that Donald Trump would be locked away in his panic room at the moment until the threat subsides, but that’s not how Donald Trump rolls at all.

Donald Trump believes in looking fear in the eye, which is why – rather than hiding from Heather Mills, he’s invited her to become a judge in his Miss USA pageant. Miss USA, of course, is the beauty pageant that keeps getting brought into disrepute thanks to all those naked pictures from the contestants’ past. That’s got nothing to do with Heather Mills. We just happened to mention it. Ahem.

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Divorce Judge: Heather Mills Is A Bit Of A Tit

by Stuart Heritage

Right after she was awarded £24.3 million in her divorce settlement from Paul McCartney, Heather Mills tried to block the release of the judge’s full ruling.

At the time, Heather Mills said it was for the protection of her daughter. And it turns out that she was probably telling the truth – now that the ruling is out poor Beatrice is probably going to get bullied by her infant peers because it says her mother is ‘ridiculous’, ‘her own worst-enemy’ and pretty much a gigantic liar.

However, just because Heather Mills has come in for a sensational kicking in the judge’s ruling, don’t think that Paul McCartney got away scot free either – the ruling said he had a face like someone’s granny and that if he closes one more all-star charity concert with a prolonged rendition of Hey Jude the judge will come round and chop his cock off.

Right after she was awarded £24.3 million in her divorce settlement from Paul McCartney, Heather Mills tried to block the release of the judge's full ruling. At the time, Heather Mills said it was for the protection of her daughter. And it turns out that she was probably telling the truth - now that the ruling is out poor Beatrice is probably going to get bullied by her infant peers because it says her mother is 'ridiculous', 'her own worst-enemy' and pretty much a gigantic liar. However, just because Heather Mills has come in for a sensational kicking in the judge's ruling, don't think that Paul McCartney got away scot free either - the ruling said he had a face like someone's granny and that if he closes one more all-star charity concert with a prolonged rendition of Hey Jude the judge will come round and chop his cock off.
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Paul McCartney Stumps Up Final Divorce Deal Today

by Stuart Heritage

Today is a momentous day – it’s the day that Paul McCartney and Heather Mills finally discover their divorce deal, putting an end to their long-winded divorce forever.

Well, OK, maybe not forever – we’re pretty sure that by teatime Heather Mills will have decided to take the whole thing to an appeal court because she’s not happy with the tens of millions of pounds that she’s been awarded – but for a bit at least.

How much money will Paul McCartney be ordered to pay Heather Mills? At the moment, newspaper reports are saying £25 million which, going on the accuracy of previous reports, means that in truth the real total could be anywhere between one pence and sixteen hundred jillion quid and a floating space-palace made out of kitten-breath.

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