As Kid Rock probably wrapped his mullet around an enemy’s neck for the purpose of strangulation that night in a Waffle House, well that must have felt pretty good.
This is all theoretical, of course, but we think the temporary surge of power must have been so invigorating he just wanted more. He wanted his strength tested. In his mind’s eye he probably saw himself physically beating up all kinds of things that would be awesome to beat up, like King Kong and a string of zombie popes.
And the US military. But a judge just ended that last dream forever.
When Kid Rock (Robert Ritchie) beat up every single living thing inside a Georgia Waffle House for either several days in a row or just a few minutes, he got arrested and taken to jail. Once there he used his awesome beady eye/moustache combo to seduce the guards and escape to freedom. When the guards snapped out of their trance they realised two things – they were covered in mullet-shaped hickeys and the prisoner hadn’t so much escaped as he’d been sentenced to something or other.
That something or other, incidentally, was community service. When his first idea for specifically what to do got shot down, he wasn’t all that surprised. After all, as we’ve heard it that idea was to invite children to his house so he could teach them how to look at pictures of naked tractors. No judge would allow that. But then when his second suggestion got shot down too, well, Kid Rock thought it was just ridiculous.
He wanted to fill all his hours of forced labour with singing songs at the Army, but the powers that be simply wouldn’t allow it. In his own words:
“Apparently [the judge] thinks it’s more important that I do something else rather than sing, shake hands, take pictures and spend time with the men and women who put themselves in harm’s way to protect the very freedom he and all of us live by…I really take it as a slap in the face, and really have trouble thinking of a better way to ‘serve the community.'”
We imagine the initial judge/Ritchie conversation went something like this:
Kid Rock: Judge, for my community service I’d like to play for the troops.
Judge: Now, I think those guys have been through enough.
If Kid Rock wants some community service ideas, all he has to do is read some hecklerspray back-stories. He could mop things like Naomi Campbell, he could teach kids about guns like T.I., or he could do whatever it was that Boy George got ordered to do. Which we think had something to do with imprisoning Swedes in his mansion and then rubbing his tenders all over their chained faces for 80 hours or more. All of that was allegedly under the supervision of some sort of a parole officer.
Allegedly again.
Shooty* says
OR… he could do a duet with Kevin Federline! And Vanilla Ice! And it could be used as the theme song to Twilight 2!
Snapper Winsten says
Shooty*
Its called New Moon, not Twilight 2!!!
kaleem says
My name is muhammad kaleem ullah khan. My date of birth is 28/2/1946. I am challenging all the magician in this world. is there any one who can break my magic I am a black magicians no one can beat me in this world .no one can break my magic if some one cast spell to me i will reverse his spell to him I am challenging all magicians cast spell to me and my sons i have there sons mateen , mubeen ,moiz and her mother name is salma if some one cast spell to my son I will reverse his spell to him i am challenging to all magician to beat me