Right after she was awarded £24.3 million in her divorce settlement from Paul McCartney, Heather Mills tried to block the release of the judge's full ruling.

At the time, Heather Mills said it was for the protection of her daughter. And it turns out that she was probably telling the truth – now that the ruling is out poor Beatrice is probably going to get bullied by her infant peers because it says her mother is 'ridiculous', 'her own worst-enemy' and pretty much makes makes all sorts of lofty unsubstantiated claims about herself.

However, just because Heather Mills has come in for a sensational kicking in the judge's ruling, don't think that Paul McCartney got away scot free either – the ruling said he had a face like someone's granny and that if he closes one more all-star charity concert with a prolonged rendition of Hey Jude the judge will come round and chop his cock off.

Sometimes, in our weakest moments, we feel a little bit sorry for Heather Mills. Aside from a couple of confused rednecks with temporary telephone privileges and some horny 14-year-olds, there isn't a single person in the whole wide world who even slightly likes her.

Everyone dislikes Heather's constant references to her charity work, the sense that she's a bit of a fantasist and her over-inflated sense of self-importance. And now everyone's views have been legally verified by the judge who oversaw the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce.

Although this week Heather Mills won £24.3 million from Paul McCartney and even managed to chuck some water at his lawyer, it's a pyrrhic victory because the judge's ruling slates her so much that it's basically one red jelly penis reference away from being a hecklerspray article. A 58-page, 327-paragraph hecklerspray article. We know, we can't think of anything worse either.

If you've got a spare hour, we'd urge you to track down a copy of Judge Hugh Bennett's full divorce ruling on Paul McCartney and Heather Mills because it's nothing short of brilliant. Heather Mills gets trashed for making unsupported claims about her income, her status, her role as a wife and a 'counsellor' to Paul McCartney, her annual travel expenses and – perhaps best of all, the £40,000 a year she needs for wine even though she doesn't drink.

The Washington Post has a neat summary:

Mills had sought a $250 million divorce settlement. But in the papers, Bennett rejected Mills's justifications for her demand as "ridiculous" and "wholly exaggerated." He said Mills "flagrantly overeggs the pudding" with demands for just under $1 million a year for travel expenses, including $370,000 for private planes and helicopters… Bennett said he thinks Mills believes "she is entitled for the indefinite future, if not for the whole of her life, to live at the same 'rate' as the husband and to be kept in the style to which she perceives she was accustomed during the marriage… Although she strongly denied it," Bennett wrote, "her case boils down to the syndrome of 'me, too' or 'if he has it, I want it too.'"

The ruling must have stung Heather Mills pretty hard – after all, future generations will now be able to look back on these legal documents and confidently assert that Heather Mills was an out-of-control divpot no matter she does to change this in the future. 

Yep, we're certain that thanks to this divorce ruling Heather Mills is right now crying hard into her gigantic pile of cash that's bigger than anything we could hope to earn in hundreds of years. One-nil to us!

Read more:

Judge Portrays McCartney's Ex As 'Out of Control' – Washington Post